There was consternation in Swindon this Wednesday with no reaction to bus price rises.
'' I really have no opinion on the matter, '' that comment from a 35 year old, full-time briefcase carrier, spoken to in Commerical Road this morning.
The media were all poised to leap on negative comments made about price rises coming into effect on 1st April, but have been left disappointed.
Swindon Centric Says ; No bad news today, wow!
After disruption at Gatwick Airport due to a failed luggage belt, the region's airport has suffered a similar fate. Bristol International suffered multiple belt failures this morning, causing delays and a small number of cancellations.
'' It began about eight o'clock this morning, without any word of warning people's trousers and skirt belts began failing all over the terminal. It wasn't confined to just airport staff, but all airlines and some catering outlets. While this was happening, no check in was available, the whole place came to a complete halt.'' That comment from Roger Crew, general manager at Bristol.
There is an unconfirmed report of the problem affecting a pilot in mid-flight as it was due to land at Bristol. A source at the as yet unnamed airline said the pilot was incapacitated and the flight was landed safely by the co-pilot who landed ''by the seat of his pants''.
Swindon Centric Says ; Lose weight or buy stronger belts, one of the two!
This idea is taken from an original and still the best at at this fantastic website about the tube .
1. Why does it cost £2.50 for a dayrider on stagecoach but £2.90 for one on Thamesdown, do you get a cushion and coffee?
2. How did you get on last night...oh... yeah, best not to talk about it on the buses, wait until we get off.
3. He's just come out of prison and unless he watches out, he'll be back in before too long.
4. Could you press the bell for me?
5. That bloke in the paper who got chucked off the number 1 for carrying paint, people'll just be hiding them in bags and covering them up.
6. The pensioners go for free after 9.30, so why are they moaning that they want to get on for free at 9am? Just pay like everyone else?
7. They didn't give any warning before they replaced those traffic lights at Farringdon Road. I reckon the council had a whole load of money to use up before the end of the financial year.
8. Did you see those daffodils tied to the railings round the mechanics institute?
9. I'll get some potatoes.
10. You've got to have the right change now, or the driver has to kill you, its company policy.
A drama was played out today in the city (ok, town) with a thousand stories ; Swindon. A local woman came home from her part-time job at Marks & Spencer to discover her husband had been kidnapped.
'' I came home about one o'clock and expected to find Steve in the garden, he was due to pot up some nasturtiums ready for the warm weather. I opened the patio door and found compost scattered all over the flagstones and a ransom note weighed down with the trowel.'' That dramatic account by Claire Whitaker, 36, of York Close, St Andrews Ridge.
Once she informed the police and after conversations with her mother and best friend Nat who lives several doors down, Mrs Whitaker decided the fifty pounds ransom being asked was far too high for her lazy, unfaithful, passive agressive husband and rang the number on the note to refuse to pay the demand.
Mrs Whitaker further added, '' he really isn't worth fifty quid.''
An unnamed source revealed Mrs Whitaker had coped with the stress of the situation by going to a local nail bar for a manicure and joining friends at the Outlet Village for some moderate to heavy designer discount shopping.
Swindon Centric and This Reporter Says ; Wanted Dead Or Alive? She Doesn't Want Him At All!
Swindon continues the never-ending (it seems) War On Terror, (we apologise, our budget has been cut on sub-editors), War On Graffiti today with a new weapon in the battle to stop the taggers spraying everywhere.
Swindon Contractors have unveiled a brand new mixture for removing solvent paint from aerosols and marker pens from one-hundred and sixty-three different surfaces. '' We were searching for a more effective remover that we could get for a reasonable price and we stumbled on XClean2000. After testing a small amount at a controlled location, we bought a joblot from ebay.'' That comment from Alf Stanley, 56, from the Borough Council Cleansing Department.
The cleaner is being introduced this week to all hotspots effected.
Rumours that the remover is too dangerous to use have been denied after a report of a bottle being spilt near Eldene and twenty minutes later half the wall they were cleaning had dissolved have been strongly dilluted (as has the XClean2000).
Discussion has taken place by several people overheard on a number 18 bus this lunchtime that the XClean2000 should be used on the hands of taggers who break the law then the blighters wouldn't have half as much fun. Additional comments, which are unrepeatable on this site, included rounding off with the words, ''Hitler had the right idea''.
Swindon Centric Says ; We Bet It Still Doesn't Get Magic Marker Off Your Hands!
In a landmark move today, a Swindon school has become the first in the UK to not only install heavy duty, ten foot high fencing, but also passport control on the main gate.
'' We believe this is the only way to ensure that terrorists can't gain access to our school'' , that comment from Headteacher Alexandra York of Jennings Way Secondary School, Ash Brake this lunchtime.
Unconfirmed reports by students at the school suggest that there is an underclass of students who gain illegal access to the school by means of a sty at the back of the main field, where no border checks are made. These 'students' as they like to call themselves have the benefit of all the facilities that the legitimate pupils do, but without the humiliation of passport regulations.
Further rumours that the school's governing body is in talks with the highly effective US Department Of Homeland Security to negotiate a contract to franchise out the border control process for pupils and staff at the school has remained unconfirmed.
Reports that the headteacher had been caught up with the sense of fun in the innocent classic Ealing film Passport To Pimlico are being downplayed by the local branch of Blockbuster.
Swindon Centric Says ; Welcome To Swindon, Don't Out Stay Your Visa!
After a Banksy mural appeared on the side of a house in Bristol and locals got worried council contractors were about to clean it off, a poll of the Swindon Centric office has found a unique solution to Swindon's image problem.
Why don't we try and persuade Banksy to Swindon to do a mural?
Don't know who he is? Have a look at this video from BBC2's Culture Show
Our town has a history of murals with the Ken White paintings during the 70s and 80s with some remaining, though in a deteriorating state, the most prominent being the picture of the old canal footbridge that covers the end of a terrace house on the Whalebridge roundabout.
Getting Banksy to Swindon and doing a mural would raise Swindon's profile and give locals a real boost. It could eventually get us to shrug the 'cultural desert' tag that seems to hang round the town's neck like a millstone.
Swindon Centric Says ; If you agree with this, leave a comment and say yes!
A sixty foot long, four foot wide hole has opened up this afternoon across the intersection on the Kemble Drive side of Bruce Street Bridges, the hole isn't due to simple subsidence, no dear residents.
Swindon Centric can reveal today the hole isn't simply causing traffic disruption to people heading into town and to the outlet village, the whole hole is actually, local hole experts conclude, the Swindon gateway to hell.
'' Every couple of decades, somewhere in the UK, a hellmouth or gateway opens up and allows access to the devil's playground. How convenient it happens to have opened up smack bang on our doorstep''. That comment from Derek Johnson, 54, local hole and hell expert said from his house in Toothill.
Rumour that the hole swallowed up a double decker working the route number 10 has been denied by Thamesdown Transport, all their buses are accounted for.
Swindon Centric Says ; We're On A Highway To Hell ; 30mph Limit Strictly Enforced!
With the discovery this week of tunnels and caverns running all under the streets and cellars of Old Town, Swindon Centric has got an EXCLUSIVE break on this curious story.
The long rumoured tunnels were used to smuggle illegal spirits around the town out of sight of the excise men during the 18th Century. But a new use has been found for these historic and eerie places we can reveal.
A letting company in the town has leased out several of the larger tunnels to a man know only as Doctor Blofeld. He didn't tell the letting agent exactly what his intentions for the spaces were, but several Old Town residents and late night revellers have reported seeing dozens of jumpsuit clad extras entering the tunnel complex through a fake electricity substation on the corner of Cricklade Road, atop which a smug looking long-haired white cat sits.
Swindon Centric Says ; We've been expecting you Mr Blofeld.
In a shocking and dare we say unique move, the attempt by the University Of Bath (which Swindon Centric reported earlier last month) has been officially rejected. The Bath University did have a plan with housebuilders for a Swindon Campus at the Coate Water site, but they hadn't considered Swindon's duck population.
A sit in protest was staged by the residents of the Coate Water Country Park lakes. Their forces were strengthened by allied troops of Swans and even Canadian Geese (currently on holiday) who joined the 24 hour operation which certainly sealed the fate of the Uni plan for the town.
The developers say they are 'bullish' on the opportunity to construct a campus with another education organisation.
Protesters say that the Coate area is an 'all duck' community and that the introduction of any bulls, of any kind, could upset the social balance of the area.
Joint duck and police patrols were walking and waddling the streets of Coate last night in an attempt to keep the peace.
The Swindon Centric Blog Says : If we don't fight them in the Bath, then we'll have to fight them in the shower!
With Swindon's flagship Great Western Hospital winning another award for good care and treatment, we at the Swindon Centric Blog feel we have to bring your attention to an under-reported win by the facility.
Following a series of heats and the shortlist, this afternoon the hospital's third floor sweet trolley won a BAFTA for best newcomer in a axle-supporting role.
'' This is something we are so proud off and worked hard toward, but didn't really think we could compete with the other candidates on the shortlist. We were very pleased just to get nominated.'' That quote from Alex Flanton, 25, the assistant trolley operator for the GWH's third floor.
Rumours tonight from BAFTA headquarters suggest the judges were especially impressed by the trolley's wide selection of organic white, dark and plain chocolate and fairtrade crisps.
Further rumour that the trolley is in negotiations to move to Los Angeles and 'break' the US market have been strongly denied this evening.
Swindon Centric Says ; Sweets, choc-ices, something on a stick!
Swindon Rowers, Stuart Turnbull and Edward Baylis reached Antigua yesterday after a record unsupported row across the Atlantic.
Not wishing to detract from the huge achievement by the pair from the region, Swindon Centric has to bring some exclusive story to our readers attention.
The 24 foot boat they used to carry-out this historic crossing of the 'pond' is actually a Swindon Borough Council issue row boat which has been missing for several weeks.
The craft, number 17 was noticed missing from the main lake at Coate Water by a employee tying the boats-for-hire up one evening. There was then a report several hours later of two men carrying the boat down Fleming Way but no-one really thought anything of it at the time.
A council spokesman refused to be drawn on how much the fine for non-return of the boat would be but a source in the leisure department did say they were getting quotes for a new dome roof for the Oasis Leisure Centre.
Swindon Centric Says ; Hope you've got a Swindon Card to get a discount on that fine lads!
A ballot carried out among five thousand people in Swindon has led to an interesting warning to the town's elected officials.
The result comes after three teenagers in Lyneham were given a public punishment, to scub off the graffiti they'd sprayed on a church in the town.
The resolution passed allows elected councillors to be placed in stocks at five entranceways to the town centre and have rotten soft fruit (fair trade and organic only) pelted at them.
'' I think it's a great idea, I mum was once really annoyed that my brother had forgotten to bring back her dry-cleaned dress for my wedding, my Mum chased him down Queens Drive with a rolling pin, he learned his lesson, this could work too.'' That comment from Zoe Clifford, 28, of Springfield Gardens, Lawns.
Rumours that the council are looking tonight at changing the '50 Promises' into ' 50 Aspirations We'd Like To Do' to prevent punishment by the townfolk has been denied, however no-one's denied that a gallows is being constructed in Fleet Sreet this evening to take care of especially sneaky councillors.
Swindon Centric Says ; Under arm or over arm Mr Mayor?
Swindon is currently suffering a lack of news-able news stories, leading to media outlets in the town attempting to talk-up what little 'news' (if the Trades Descriptions Act can allow them to call it that) they have.
'' This has to be the thin end of the wedge in terms of media content'', said Derek Russet a media analyst for Fluffy News Media Group, based at Rivermead.
Other commentators have gone further and suggested that news stories over the coming week could include ;
- The scandal of late buses.
- Outrage over the rise in the price of Greggs sausage rolls.
and maybe even ;
- Cats stuck up trees.
After four envelopes of sherbert lovehearts were received at Zurich's Wootton Bassett office and caused a level three terrorist alert (there was panic buying of bottled water and winegums at the local Co-Op, this was due to a special offer it's thought), terrorists throughout the Borough are thought to be taking notes.
Namely if you send anthrax or possibly some really cheap and harsh hand cream disguised as sugary, Valentine's Day connected confectionary, you're bound to get found out.
Rumour that this afternoon a controlled explosion was carried out on a bottle of coke on Mannington Rec have been confirmed as kids putting mentos and coke together to create an explosion twice as big as the Hiroshima bomb.
Swindon Centric Says ; And We Thought Coke Was Bad For Our Teeth! Blimey!
With rumour and counter-rumour swirling around the town this weekend that the University Of Bath's Coate Campus and housebuilding plan is clinically dead, the Swindon Centric Blog is cutting through the fog and bringing you the crystal clear facts.
Enough of the descriptive words and here's what we know.
Swindon doesn't have enough drinking water to meet the needs of the University of Bath's Bath, we mean to meet Bath University's needs. As a result the University executive voted to put the Swindon Campus plan on hold.
Essentially the Coate plan is as dead and as dry as a cracked bath tub dumped in an alleyway.
But we understand this evening that the Borough Council is pushing plans through to build the University Of Warwick's Shower somewhere out near Junction 16.
Further rumour that construction work has already begun near the Motorola building of Oxford Brookes University's bidet is entirely unconfirmed, Thames Water didn't comment except to say any such facility would require by law a water meter.
Swindon Centric Says ; University Of Swindon IN BATH! Lets get them back! Who's with us?
Swindonians are being warned this lunchtime that the town will be in for a deluge of news stories all about the snow which is expected to fall.
In some areas of town the media reports could lie as much as a 11 inches thick in column inches.
Those in more vunerable areas, those who have newspaper subscriptions and widescreen TVs are being advised to phone if it gets too much.
There were unconfirmed reports that a woman in Wroughton had newspapers up to three feet deep in her hallway and had to be rescued by a neighbour, but further investigation revealed the woman had been on holiday for a month and had failed to inform her paperboy to redeliver them to her sister round the corner.
Swindon Centric Says ; Tomorrow all that snow will be fish and chip paper! Err, yeah, we know what we mean.
With the report tonight that a man in the town ''just snapped'' and took a bite out of his chocolate labrador has been met with over-reaction across the borough.
Mr Anderson Thomas, 34, of Potters Avenue Woodhall was spending Sunday lunchtime washing and waxing his Honda Civic when the barks of his dog, angry that the remote control for the Sky Digital TV had been misplaced, drove him over the edge and down the other side, he leapt forward and took a bite out of his dog, Bobbo, in a ''moment of madness''.
'' This is a unique case and we don't expect, if you'll excuse the obvious distress to the dog in question, copycat attacks to take place'', that comment from Officer Dibble of Gablecross police headquarters.
Despite this, there are unconfirmed reports tonight that tomorrow the local health authority will announce voluntary 'men muzzling' and 'men microchipping' in an attempt to keep unruly males under control.
Swindon Centric Says ; A man's bite is worse than his cholesterol level.
At least three of Swindon's four money lenders advice companies could be at risk of going under unless more business comes through it's doors in the next few weeks.
'' Our busy period is usually January, with people heavily in debt after the Christmas debt season. We took on more staff to cope with demand, but trade has been slow, then yesterday was the first day most people have been paid this year and it just got worse.'' That quote from Mary Horne, 35, Manager of Red Line Debt Consolidate based in John Street.
There was a piece of good news in all this, those financial companies effected say that if they have to layoff staff, they will end up unable to pay their mortgages and be threatened with repossession, thus companies like Red Line will be where ex-employees turn to for help.
It remained unconfirmed whether Red Line was offering a ' 2 for the price of 1' on personal insolvencies sale today, until business picks up to encourage those usual frugal consumers in town to go mad and max out some cards to get the ball rolling for the town's loan shark and debt recovery industries.
Swindon Centric Says ; We're gonna need a bigger credit limit!
As Sherlock Holmes would say, '' just as I suspected'', that's the view being taken by us at Swindon Centric after the town's Borough Council announced it was to be privatising it's backroom staff.
The pat on our back we've been giving ourselves all afternoon, despite the advice of our chiropractor, was due to us originally reporting this story back in November last year.
We don't like to say, we told you so, so we won't say it.
We look forward to launching a self-updating business ticker on the site soon to constantly update you on the Swindon Borough Council PLC's share price as soon as the local authority is floated on the London Stock Exchange.
Swindon Centric Says; Where's my broker's number?
