Town's Trees Cover The Competition ; Plus Solar Heated Pork Pies

A survey released today shows that Swindon has the highest percentage of Town land covered by trees than any other similar sized centre in the country.

At 87.59%, Swindon has the most number of trees per population head than anywhere else in the UK. That means there are 5.75 trees for every man, woman and child in the Borough.

'' This is a fantastic statistic for the town to boast about. We knew that Swindon residents are keen on being environmentally friendly, this proves it.'' That comment from Ronnie Mc-Green Nose, 48, of the Swindon Action Green Network, where even the teaspoons are from a sustainable managed source at their Rodbourne Road office.

Rumours that renegade members plan to demolish the Civic Offices this weekend, planting 523 rowen trees and build the Council a sustainable collection of treehouses has remained unconfirmed.

Swindon Centric Says ; Our sources tell us players at the County Ground will be supplied with baseball caps this autumn fitted with solar panels for heating pies sustainably at half-time.

That's what I call a result!

Army And Police On Alert As Christmas Shopping Turns Into A Scene From Gremlins

With the majority of stores now closed this Sunday afternoon, anti-tank blocks, self defence training for staff and cages to put feisty shoppers in have been rolled out all over town as Christmas shopping enters the final countdown.

The local civil defence plan will be enacted from 9am until 10pm tomorrow and every day at the same hours through Friday to 'protect the innocence and punish the overly festive' said local Territorial Army Deputy Sarah Mckenzie at an emergency news conference at the County Ground.

The situation began deteriorating mid-day on Friday and is though to stay in a similar state throughout the week until around mid-morning on Thursday when most people are expected to have finished their shopping and be concentrating on travelling home.

This weekend's shopping figures were released for Swindon this evening, the highlights include, three checkout staff assaulted with mince pies, seven brass bands in a brawl and seventy three shop windows smashed, fourteen of which were at the Canal Walk branch of Starbucks as patrons were told they had ran out of espresso brownies and poppy seed muffins.

Unconfirmed reports that the mayor was heard suggesting citizens ' grab a bottle, a tin of quality street and pray for the 27th' have been denied by councillors.