Bizzare Parallels Show Hole In The Fabric Of Reality Is Near Swindon

As some people get animated about the selling of cigarettes to under eighteen year olds, it seems priorities are different not that far away.

With a story older than the hills itself, about selling tobacco to under age teenagers, there doesn't seem to be much happening in Swindon at the end of this week.

Not too far away in Tidworth police are promising to crack down on egg throwers by asking shops to not sell eggs to anyone who appears under the age of 18. According to residents and police, there's been a spate of egg throwing in the town.

Swindon Centric Says ; Why don't we just swap? If Tidworth's biggest problem is egg throwing, send their police to Swindon and we can extend the 18 age ban on cigarettes to include eggs.

Town Pickpockets Perform To Music ; Robberies Made Theatrical - Public Buy The Soundtrack

In a twist to a story running through the town tonight, Swindon Centric has the full, accurate details.

There has been a sharp rise in purse-snatching from people in the town centre. It's believed the bulk of the rise is due to a roaming gang that travel specifically to Swindon to target shoppers for a few days, then leave town.

But word has been heard on the street that the leader of the pickpocketing gang is a man called Mr George Fagin who's street urchins have been seen walking in the town centre and occasionally bursting into song for no reason at all, except for the sheer joy of it, usually including a song and dance number at the same time.

Office workers on their lunchbreak were entertained while queuing at the pasty shop in the Parade with a tuneful rendition of 'Food Glorious Food' today. At the end, as the crowd of Swindonians applauded and the street urchins took a bow, two community support officers gave chase, but lost them in the alleys and backstreets and in the London-style peasouper fog that had suddenly decended on the town centre.

'' We advise all shoppers and anyone passing through the town centre to be on their guard. These cheeky-chappy ne'er do wells can be spotted by their fingerless gloves and thick clothing which looks suspicious, especially in the mild weather.'' That comment from community officer Harry Reed.

He added that anyone hearing a group of under 18 year old boys singing show tunes in a East End accent was a dead give-away.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you hear anyone whistling 'you've got to pick a pocket or two' or asking for more gruel, then be wary!

Cor blimey gov'ner!

Town Hit By Distraction Burglary Problems Due To Warm Weather

As people begin to enjoy the warm weather, Swindon's latest front in the War On Crime (copyrighted) has opened up this week. The town suffered a twelve percent rise in distraction burglaries this past month.

'' As the temperature rises, combined with the sun coming out on a more consistent basis, these are the perfect conditions for burglars to get distracted.'' That quote from Allison Bridge, spokeswoman for Wiltshire Constabulary.

The pattern of increasing numbers of burglars being caught, distracted by the summery weather, has been a boon for police catching those elusive criminals. Just this lunchtime, four well done criminals were caught napping under a tree in Lydiard Park, carelessly lulled into a relaxed attitude by the warm temperature they were woken by police who found half a dozen bags of swag next to a picnic hamper and portable wind-up radio.

Another group were rounded up feeding the ducks in Queens Park in between picking pockets Faggin style along Regent Street.

By the summer burglars will be easily identified with the sun burn marks left by falling asleep with their black masks on.

The Swindon Centric Blog Says ; The free ride's over Burglar Bill, hand over the swag and no-one gets hurt.

Future Anti-Crime Meetings Cancelled Due To Crime

A meeting arranged to devise ways of fighting crime in Old Town has itself been blamed for increasing the crime rate following break ins at the houses of those attending.

The police have blamed over exposure of the meeting's speakers and those attending prior to the meeting itself as the cause. Swindon Centric has a theory that the same fate may have befallen those in Old Town as those firefighters who recently had their own Fire Station burnt down due to poor practise.

Reports that police in both cases are looking for a man called Mr Irony who was wearing a wry 'I told you so smile' have been denied.