Friday, April 25, 2008

Barge Pole Politics Dominate Council Meeting


The canal saga, that seems to make the US election process seem like a half-hour sitcom, rubbles ever onward, at walking pace. A council meeting about the proposal descended into the muddy silt as tensions came to the surface. Seems odd that something as slow, gently and lazy as a canal can provoke such outrage, before any digging even happens.

The Canal King, Rod Bluh said it wasn't a question of "if but when" the scheme comes to the town centre. The person who tried to calm everyone down, former mayor Stan Pajak, pushed a motion to let voters decide in a ballot. The most curious remark of the night is that labour councillors opposed the motion because they didn't feel it was right for Swindon. What the heck does that mean?

Many politicians who oppose the plan keep using the immensely vague phrase, "it wouldn't work here, although it's worked in other places." Can't they come out and give some evidence to back this up, it'd make a change from the constant condemnation of the project because it's outrageous.

Swindon Centric Says ; It'd be interesting to compare the local opinions voiced when the original canal was proposed with the current ones being spouted. We're one narrowboat away from sounding like the people that objected to the railways in the 19th century.

Objections ranged from the smoke from the engines making crops die, to the breakdown of society if men and women were inside the same carriages.

PS - Lets not forget also that travellers would be risking ungodly behaviour by traveling at high speeds, ten to fifteen miles per hour, as the only other thing that traveled that fast was the devil himself.

Look out for these objections and more coming to local media soon on the canal issue!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Good God, Is Nothing Sacred?


People are parking in a church carpark while they nip to shops nearby, shocking, just shocking.

What Reverend Burles hasn't grasped is the chance to get these people in his church. Why not put leaflets on driver's windscreens, inviting them in.

Swindon Centric Says ; If he doesn't fancy that, how about getting people to buy tickets, like in a Borough Council carpark. He could put issuing machines in the carpark, that dispense tickets and holy proverbs.

They could be called Pray And Display machines. We couldn't resist.

PS - Or maybe he should just invest in a Sherman tank!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Yes, Dear, Erm Minister, What Time's Dinner?


This story seems to have flown pretty low, but with this MP's track record this is hardly surprising. One of Mr Gray's constituents, Ken Edwin-Scott brought things into stark relief when he reported that the North Wiltshire MP has four other staff, alongside his girlfriend as his diary keeper.

Eddy Shah, spokesman for the North Wiltshire Conservative Association, didn't choose his words very carefully when he tried to defend the MP saying it was "logical to have one's partner as your diary secretary because they know where you are all the time."

Swindon Centric Says ; Oops! Since Mr Gray's previous diary secretary was his wife, who he cheated on with his current girlfriend (who's the new diary keeper), Mr Shay's words have as much conviction as Mr. Gray has integrity among his constituents, none.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 51


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. If that's a headline then I'm a lemon meringue.

9. She asked if going on strike meant you still got paid.

8. I gave the leftover date and walnut cake to the birds, there's a lot of heavy pigeons in our neighbourhood.

7. It tells you to swim anti-clockwise.

6. He thinks screengrab is when someone nicks a TV.

5. It's only the 51st time I've done it, so I probably will just get a fine.

4. You can phone me at 3am, I wouldn't actively encourage you to, but the option is there in case.

3. They were going hell-for-leather, the engines are all knackered.

2. He wasn't even allowed to have breakfast on his own, they were all watching him.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. Don't worry, I've got some pigs trotters if nothing here takes your fancy.

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us or leave us a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Man Named Sadam Is News (Hmm)


That's right, there's a man in a Swindon chip shop called Sadam Hussein.

Why should we care?

Because it's news, damn it!

Swindon Centric Says ; If you know of any locals who look like anyone famous then please, keep it to yourself and don't tell us.

An Excellent Swindon Link


For a town that often boasts it's large number of hi-tech businesses, you'd think there'd be an awful lot more local Swindon websites. However that doesn't seem to be the case.

There's the excellent Komadori site, this one of course and a newly discovered site, Hidden Swindon.

Swindon Centric Says ; Do take a look.

Bingo-ing Mad 3 ; Horses, Councils & Big Stable Doors


The efforts (of sorts) of Swindon Borough Council to get the Regent Circus bingo hall reopened have proved much too little, much too late. After the operators Rank blamed the double taxes they have to pay under gaming laws, the Council bought the building with no thought as to what would happen to it in the short to medium term before the redevelopment of the area happens.

Announcing, like a drunk waking up to find themselves in the bath and a hazy recollection of the reason they have a new building on their books, they tried to make amends. But the regional manager of the Rank Group said no.

Plenty of comments were made by the company as to the reasons it wasn't viable to keep running the Swindon hall. However, there were no further comments made by any councillors, particularly those responsible for economic development and regeneration. Also, the New Swindon Company stayed out of the whole situation.

Swindon Centric Says ; Congratulations, SBC win the award for Most Ineffective Council Activity for week ending Saturday 19th April. Along with the win, there's a new dictionary in the post to Councillor Phil Young, (member for economic development, regeneration and for good measure development again) who admitted he has no plans for the site, so he can look up the words that are used in his job description.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 50


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. Who ever said it was going to be easy?

9. It's sunshine and showers, well it is April.

8. The hailstones were the size of meatballs.

7. The meatballs were the size of hailstones, why does no one say that?

6. I wonder what's wrong.

5. It was given a double page spread, you'd think the French had invaded and set fire to all our beef.

4. Several minutes passed before I realised I lacked any trousers.

3. Grab ahold of this for a second, careful, it's a bit cold.

2. As a nation, we don't eat a lot of pumpkins.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. Rumour has it Mohamed Al-Fayed had a hand in the closing of Mecca Bingo, but it's just a rumour.

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us or leave us a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Bingo-ing Mad 2 ; Council Tries To Change A Bad Call


Swindon Borough Council appear to be trying to do something about the sudden and pointless closure of the Regent Circus Mecca Bingo hall. A meeting is due to take place today between our favourite councillor, Phil Young, member for economic development, regeneration and for good measure development again, and a Mecca Bingo area manager.

The worrying words from Mr Young about what's planned for the site, "We've got no timescale. We're drawing up the plans for what we'd like to see there. But we do want to make the most of it until we know what's happening. We're going to look into it and if there is potential to keep them there then we'd be delighted to do so."

Mr Young also uttered this gem, "We hope to talk on it's future to get him to understand the importance of the bingo hall to the people."

It's shocking to think that the council member for regeneration and economic development has no timescale or clue as to what they'll now do with their latest property acquisition. Another hint to the obvious may come from the use of the former cinema as a bingo hall since 1974, which would give councillor Young a clue as to, "if there is potential" for bingo on the site.

But Mr Young's winning ball is his intention to tell the Mecca Bingo area manager the, "importance of the bingo hall to the people." Perhaps Mr Young should have noticed this too before agreeing to the purchase of the building from Mecca without asking any questions and just accepting closure like a mug who's been door-stepped by a utility company and signed without looking.

Swindon Centric Says ; Mr Young and the council seem to have looked up the words 'economic', and 'development' in the dictionary over the weekend, however they still haven't grasped the definition of both.

Next lesson, look up the word 'regeneration'.

Then use all words in a sentence Mr Young.

PS - Are the people from the New Swindon Company on holiday throughout all this?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Bingo-ing Mad Moves By Council


The word cackhanded seems appropriate for today's news that the Mecca Bingo hall at Regent Circus is to close - in a week and remain empty for years.

Owners Rank have sold the building to Swindon Borough Council, who might have accepted the offer after one too many drinks at Rudi's next door if the surprised attitude of the councillor for Covingham and Nythe is anything to go by. Councillor Phil Young, cabinet member for economic development, regeneration and development said they have no plans to do anything with the site in the near future.

The council have a policy to take ownership of sites that form part of future regeneration plans, but when the member in charge of implementing that policy says "we have no plans", why didn't they make the Rank Group sell it onto someone else in the meantime? This seems to be the Tented Market scenario all over again, but even with a plan in place, there's no promise that the developers will come up with anything progressive.

Swindon Centric Says ; What the hell is going on at Swindon Borough Council? Is the whole coachload of councillors asleep at the wheel? So the member for economic development is to achieve his objectives, by leaving usable buildings vacant? Where is the New Swindon Company's voice in all this, or are they on the same bus as the council, snoozing?

PS - If this continues, the new central library is going to look bizzare with the hulking ruin of the college at the foot of Victoria Hill and a boarded up bingo hall across the road for company.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 49


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. Moaning old git.

9. Several things rankled my chain and that was only one.

8. We had nothing in common.

7. She wore flat shoes, nobody mentioned that he had heels on.

6. If she asks where the rest of the shopping is, say we sent it via Terminal 5.

5. Light after seven o'clock, something's not right.

4. Where did I put my trousers?

3. At 8 to 1, was in for a tenner, ninety pounds winging it's way.

2. It might snow, then again, they seem to say that every week.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. I received several things in the post, your letter bomb wasn't one of them.

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us or leave us a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Can I Have a Super-Sized Football Strip Please?


McDonalds, the company that is giving A-levels and is trying to get the word 'Mcjob' removed from the dictionary has gone one better. In a press release not even thinly disguised as news, the local franchise is willing to sponsor football teams needing the money.

As the owner and operator of all the town's outlets, Paul Booth, says himself that they've sponsored teams over the past three years.

Swindon Centric Says ; If this has been going on for the past few years, what's so special that deems this news? Selling food with high fat, sugar and salt content and promoting fitness at the same time seems two-faced at best and irresponsible at worst.

School Mergers Part 3 ; Wiltshire County Council Sees The Light


The proposal to merge an infant and junior school has been thrown out by Wiltshire County Council. Wootton Bassett Infants School and Noremarsh Junior School will now remain as they are after major opposition to the plan was voiced by parents.

Swindon Centric Says ; A council listening and responding accordingly to a public consultation. Is Swindon Borough Council reading this?

Swindon Centric ; Now An Award Winner!


Thanks to M's Way, we've been award an XXtraordinary Blogger Award.

Swindon Centric Says ; And Judy Dench or Helen Mirren weren't even nominated? Fancy that!

Rail Town Councillors Show Their Poor Knowledge Of The Railway


Councillors meeting staff from Network Rail and First Great Western to discuss railway travel showed little professionalism when it came to the questions asked. Councillor Peter Greenhalgh (for Freshbrook and Grange Park) said that for him there is no incentive to use the train. He missed the incentive of the smaller environmental impact and when reading his comment and question in full, sounds more like an angry and narked rant from a passenger than a representative of the people.

His colleague, councillor Peter Mallinson (for Walcot) faired little better. He was appalled that people have to stand and "can't believe it's in line with health and safety". Maybe if he'd done his homework he could have answered his own question that there is no legal limit on number of passengers in a railway carriage, says the Office Of Rail Regulation. The question was pointless when directed at Network Rail and First Great Western, as they don't set the rule on capacity.

Swindon Centric Says ; Can someone arrange for Mr Greenhalgh and Mr Mallinson to visit the Department for Environment and Office Of Rail Regulation respectively and explain to them what their policies are and what they do?

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 48


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. That's only two grams of fat.

9. Only twenty-five miles to go now.

8. I've got to walk on.

7. Just because McDonalds has got green seats, doesn't mean it's food is any healthier than a tin of lead paint.

6. Too late, he's already put a deposit down on it.

5. Thank god she's resigned, now I can breath out.

4. He advised me to get my head examined, I advised him to shove his up his arse.

3. I'll be so glad, bet I'm the only one.

2. When he said she was only 14 I nearly fainted.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. Word is there's a secret tunnel that links all the Council offices in town, that's why you don't see any councillors on the streets anymore.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

All Votes Are Final & Not At All To Scale


A poll of people's opinions on the canal idea has been conclusive, according to the Advertiser. Their headline read 'You, the readers, are against canal idea'.

Well, that's not accurate. They only asked a thousand people, which out of a borough-wide population of 180,051, isn't a huge sample. Plus, they asked passersby in the town centre. It's doubtful that those people they stopped were first asked whether they read the paper and if not, sent on their way as unsuitable candidates for questioning on the canal.

Swindon Centric Says ; So, the headline 'You, the readers, are against canal idea', is the least accurate headline we've seen recently. But, do you know differently? Can you beat it?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Top Ten Changes To Swindon's Buses This Year


In a slight variation, here is some actual news about our town's bus services. Thamesdown Transport have published outline details of changes due to take effect towards the end of May.

In true, top-ten column style, here are the changes in order of, well, a top-ten :

10. On the 18, good news as services increase to every 20 minutes, though it will be rerouted via Sparcells.

9. The 1A says goodbye to Coleview, which will now be served by probably the 23, despite one of the summaries on the Thamesdown website saying it will be the 18.

8. The NHS Express, number 16 to the GWH, will reduce to every 15 minutes.

7. Penhill gets a new service 21, hourly to the town centre, via Pinehurst and Gorse Hill.

6. Frequency rises to 30 minutes for those on the 24 route.

5. The 11 and 11A will serve an area that doesn't yet exist, East Wichel and so will terminate short of there until anything is built.

4. The 13 and 14 will have times changed after 1800.

3. The 26 will only operate between Rodbourne and Fleming Way.

2. The number 52 will be renumbered to become the 28, because it's a smaller number.

The top rated change to buses is...

1. The number 80 will cease to exist.

If you know of any bigger changes, then please do let us know.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 47

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. He's an agent of intolerance.

9. It's brand new, not even in the shops yet.

8. Don't get up yet.

7. That should be fair, but it's not.

6. I'm a typical white person, angry that I've had to fight my way from average to slightly above average.

5. Unless he changes his opinion I'll post it on the internet.

4. I threw him a rope and he wrapped it around his neck.

3. I haven't seen you since before the operation, were they able to save your leg?

2. The immigrants are coming and taking your jobs.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. Old Town would be a lovely spot, if only there were less people.

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us at swindoncentric@mac.com or leave us a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Get on the bus and get listening!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 46

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. There's a storm system coming.

9. Those beans need grinding, have you got a grinder?

8. I've got to keep applying lotion, otherwise it just flakes off.

7. Feed me Seymour!

6. People keep talking about trans fats as if they really know what they are.

5. Easter eggs are far too cheap, Christians should be made to pay.

4. Get your hand off there.

3. Dick Cheney gets a bad press and rightly so.

2. I saw her on here the other day, wearing far less than she is now.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. Yes we can.

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us at swindoncentric@mac.com or leave us a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Get on the bus and get listening!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Heaven's A Dove ; Bird Stops Books On Big Build

With the delight that the new Central Library appears, until now, to be on time, today's story was a piece of fluffy nonsense our town is first-class at.

A dove has nested in the rafters of the new library at Regent Circus and cannot be moved. Not only because it has a library card, but also an act of parliament to protect it. Work, it's been said, will not be disrupted, as extra time is in the schedule to allow for problems caused by wildlife, including councillors.

Swindon Centric Says ; Someone, somewhere on a message board will link the nesting bird story back to immigration and blame it on those from Poland and elsewhere "coming over here and nesting in our rafters". Shame, but true.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 45

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. I like the fact that he salutes every time I walk past, even if it is in that peculiar way.

9. Don't rub it in there, you'll set me off again.

8. Fish and chips is like concrete, universal.

7. I can't see where you're pointing, give me the glasses.

6. I wondering if that table has adjustable legs for all heights in the market.

5. They've been booked in for a pedicure.

4. Vote or die, a cheery way to get people into democracy.

3. Use the forks, as Darth Ladel used to say.

2. I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting me eyes.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. She's partial to a piece of red snapper, whether that's a food dish, or a venereal disease, I don't know.

verheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Don't You Know This Story Repeats Itself?

Yes, in the next logical step after Komadori's compiling of government town partnerships/quangos, comes the news that one such group has been disbanded.

The reason?

There's already another group that has the same objectives and does pretty much identical work. With the current news about prostitutes in Swindon, anybody who could do with their help shouldn't expect too much if they're not aware of identical sets of people carrying out identical work.

Hopeless is the word.

Swindon Centric Says ; How much money has The Community, Housing and Special Overview Committee spent and where does the money that's been saved go? All residents don't hold your breath for a cheque in the post.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 44

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. Just how far away is Japan, bit further than France?

9. Cover it with mixed spices, you won't be disappointed, unless you sneeze.

8. Martin looks like my Gran.

7. It sounded like mock concern to me.

6. There's not a huge demand for roasted peppers at 1.30 in the morning.

5. She fell over and no-one else tried to help.

4. There's no bad time for a pork pie.

3. The sun never sets on his business empire of garden centres and attached cafes.

2. Plug sockets and forks have an irresistible pull.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. We had lock away the sweet tin, she says she's on a diet, but, it's an open secret she's strayed.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Three Years Later... Bus Change Story Arrives, Done Badly


A someone said earlier today, the 'news' (which is three years old) that Thamesdown Transport has gained a large amount of revenue from those who overpay for their fares shows the stupidity of those passengers.

Pay the exact fare and there's no problem.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you board a Thamesdown bus, or a Stagecoach one for that matter, with a tenner and expect change for a fare of a pound, then you deserve to have the tenner taken off you and given to someone with more common monetary sense. Whether that person is a bus driver or a member of the public, it doesn't matter, but it's fortunate though that Thamesdown provide this service for those inept citizens of our town who have no common sense.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

First Great Western's Millions & The Missing Stories


Swindon's train company today announced a £29 million plan to boost stagnant service. The details include the leasing of five additional trains for local services and an additional high speed train to make things, as they say more "resilient".

A national newspaper reported on a cock-up in the publishing of FGW's reliability figures from August to December last year. Yes, you've guessed it, local media failed to read The Guardian and cover the story. They instead were only aware of the investment money and nothing further.

Swindon Centric Says ; Poor coverage, once again, from the home of the GWR and of the current FGW. Our news reliability figures are nothing to shout about either.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Essential Sunday Reading ; Councillors & Their Attendance Records


A link here to the excellent investigative report by Komadori about local councillor's attendance at meetings, after Mr Thompson's goings on, or not as the case may be, it's only right all the other's are given the once over.

Swindon Centric Says ; All the news that's fit to print.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 43

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. How much is that?

9. Chowder, depends how you pronounce it.

8. Why do fools, like me, fall in love?

7. I was going to stay in, but then I thought, no.

6. Can I have two hundred, he laughed in my face.

5. There we are, told you.

4. What you got?

3. Cook it for two minutes and don't forget to turn it over half-way through.

2. With or without a cover, it'll still shrink and go smaller than under normal conditions.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. Dumbledore!

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Stupidity By Consensus ; Barrie Thompson - Some Questions


Why have nearly all politicians in Swindon come out in defence of a ward councillor who has not been representing his constituents and took, he claims £5000 in expenses?

Nationally, this is a hot topic, so why is the tolerance of this at a local level so different?

Why has Mr Thompson tried damage limitation by reminding us he voted against allowance increases? Is he trying to say in a perverted way, "it could have been worse, I could have claimed even more, think yourselves lucky"?

Why, when Mr Thompson's ill health became clear, was this situation not dealt with properly by the other members of the council?

Why has it been allowed to go on for so long, before exploding like this?

Swindon Centric Says ; Any unique situation like this that is left to fester by councillors, makes it look more like an attempt to cover things up from the voters viewpoint. Any politicians, local or national in Swindon, now have a chance to mend this 'circling of the wagons' action and conduct themselves correctly while dealing with this.

Come on, surprise us councillors and MPs.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 42


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. Northern Rock was brought down by that Robert Peston from the BBC, he broke the story and all those idiots started taking out their money.

9. As Toyah Wilcox says, its a mystery.

8. Buy, buy, buy!

7. More than likely, probably.

6. He started squinting. No, I said squinting.

5. The midnight hour is close at hand.

4. Hurrah to the Fleetliners.

3. Whenever they did run a double-decker, everyone forgets about the upper deck and ends up squeezed on the lower deck, fools.

2. Get greased up, eat some mackerel and the omega three will get you going.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. What’s a boss? It’s someone who sits doing nothing behind a desk all day, and claims they’re why the company’s a success.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Friday, February 15, 2008

We Can't Tell You, But We'll Stick Everything But 'It' On The Front Page


The trial concerning the horrific hammer attack at Ridgeway School has come to an end. And the Advertiser is narked that it can't report the verdict.

A gagging order has been placed on reporting the verdict to prevent prejudice of a second trial expected to begin soon. Seems fair enough, but the local paper seems to disagree. To vent their displeasure, they've placed the reason they can't report it, right on the front page.

Swindon Centric Says ; Here's a chance to fill the paper with insightful, detailed, analytical stories from that seldom used department 'investigative reporting'. Anyone at the Advertiser remember what that is?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 41


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. A policy planner, means nothing to real people.

9. I told him to stick it on the front page and see how many we sell.

8. That's a good one.

7. Eggs are like Stephen Fry, highly versatile.

6. My shoes smell like chips.

5. Lets call if off.

4. Look it up in a phone book, lazy sod.

3. I brought the whole thing back up, in glorious technicolor.

2. That's a first.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. You'd better hurry up, we're nearly there.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Friday, February 08, 2008

Friday Foolishness ; Drunks Get Free Flip-Flops & Sweeties


Ok, this story isn't from today, but local 'news' is thin on the ground today. The Swindon Community Safety Partnership is to give drunken people in the Fleet Street area an 'emergency kit' which consists of a personal alarm, bottle of water, condom, flip-flops and, wait for it, a lollipop.

We won't go into details, as to how and why the items are thought to reduce the problems with night-time drinking, but combined with the recent news of the closure of John Street and Fleet Street during the end of the week, we're wondering what the next step will be.

It's awfully nice for (yet another Partnership for you Komadori) some folk to want to ensure people's safety, but why should people who choose to go out and get blind drunk get such special treatment?

Swindon Centric Says ; A better solution would be a zero tolerance attitude to excess drinking and a sharper licensing of the Fleet Street area to get the pubs and bars spread out. Some people may remember, not that long ago when that area had shops. What a novel idea for a town centre. Unless you wish to drown your sorrows, after dark it's not the nicest spot.

PS Next week's predictive headline... Council Installs Foam Rubber Pavement In Fleet Street To Protect Drinkers From Trips & Falls

Monday, February 04, 2008

Marvellous Monday Mania Part 2 ; Woman Sets Fire To Bed With Husband In

We wish this story's headline could be...

Wife Sets Fire To Bed After Hubby Failed To Alight Things Between The Sheets!

But, it's simply a case of someone getting angry after drinking and going crazy.

Swindon Centric Says ; And she didn't even get any prison time for it. All around the county tonight there will comments along the lines of, "is that the electric blanket or did you set fire to the duvet?"

Only on a Monday in Swindon.

Marvellous Monday Mania Part 1 ; Let The Hot Air Blow


Today we have a woman who organised a protest on White Horse Hill, against the despoiling of her neighbourhood by the Westmill Wind Farm.

The farm has seen the turbines erected last week, with testing taking place before they go live. Joanna Lambert though, who knew about the turbines when she moved to the area in 2004, but 'wasn't fully aware of it's scale' can't see the turbines from her house. She claims they spoil the view. She doesn't specify for who, maybe it spoils the view for her when she takes a walk up on the hill, woe is her. Joanna Lambert was on top of White Horse Hill on Saturday for like-minded folk to join her and moan. Priority was given to those who live in a local radius to invest in the venture. Joanna Lambert may be surprised to find some of her neighbours have shares in the farm.

Swindon Centric Says ; Could she not see the cooling towers of Didcot Power Station when she gazed down from the Hill? Doesn't this have a bigger impact on the view than the five windmills?

She didn't mention Didcot Power Station. We've provided a picture above, which shows this for her, with the power station in the background. Were the tears she was shedding over the wind farm blurring her view of the huge coal and gas fired generating station?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 40


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. Don't do it, it really isn't worth it.

9. He moaned about not being caught speeding, when the reason he was stopped was dangerous driving.

8. We've got ten minutes left, should see the cliffhanger.

7. No, no, they reattached his middle finger, shame.

6. People don't queue anymore.

5. Religion is like a pie, we know better, but we just can't help ourselves.

4. Anyone who thought they were so cool banking with egg have got it all over their face now.

3. Remove the foil first, otherwise you'll be in for a shock.

2. They'll be offering mortgages on park benches soon.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1. You can't order that, the waiter will think you're a pleb, we all know you are but he doesn't know that.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 39


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . She's a grown woman for goodness sake.

9 . Coronation Street is mindless toss, for people from Manchester it's an insult, there are no cobbled streets any more.

8 . If you twist it until you get the feeling it's about to snap, then let go and jump out the way, that'll do it.

7 . I know what to do, I'm on a scheme.

6 . McDonalds are going to start giving A-Levels in Franglais.

5 . Hooray for sausage rolls.

4 . He's got a free pass, that can't be right.

3 . Advertising Executives are responsible for global warming, all the hot air.

2 . I listened carefully, for twenty minutes, but I still wasn't interested.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . He lives in a raincoat and has to pay council tax.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Woman Sits In A Seat Where A Celebrity Sat ; Town Comes To Standstill


Yes, it's happened again. No, we weren't surprised either.

A Highworth woman got a kiss from Jack Nicholson and somehow the definition of 'news' has been stretched to breaking point to accommodate this happening.

It happened in London, the people who are involved live in Highworth (within the Borough boundaries) and Hollywood.

Errm.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you can find the stories that were forced out, in favour of coverage of this, we'd love to see them. "A story about a cat that walks on four legs, a woman with a collection of paper clips, no, we've got a woman who's kissed a film star, that's the one!"

PS - Expect the headline, 'Newspapers Make You Blind' any day now.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

McDonalds : Do You Want Fries And Heartburn With Your A-Level?


Sometimes, satire based blogs and other sources of current affair based comedy don't even have to bother to get a laugh, hence yesterday's announcement.

Swindon Centric Says ; Employees note, you can get an 'A*' grade on these A-Levels by using a star from your name badge.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Corporation Tries To Change Culture ; For Their Own Benefit


The heavy lobbying by McDonalds to get the word 'McJob' removed from the Oxford English Dictionary seems to have flown under the radar recently.

A multinational corporation pushing to have an English word removed from English dictionaries? Seems like a real-life version of Big Brother.

Swindon Centric Says ; Will McDonald buy a pallet of dictionaries and burn them if the word isn't removed?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 38


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . I just bought a shredder, it's changed my life.

9 . If you do it a second time, it's very different.

8 . Depends what type of bug it is.

7 . They are very cagey.

6 . Sell them up and ship out.

5 . I never litter.

4 . Law of averages says it's going to happen, it's the law.

3 . I know someone who has panic attacks about panic attacks.

2 . Three-hundred and sixty-two days to go.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . With a touch of water and some rubbing, it'll come up gleaming.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 37


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.


10 . I thought it was over, but it's not.

9 . Minstrel?

8 . I love a bit of it.

7 . It's the no-diet diet.

6 . Bowl of soap and a bacon sandwich will do me.

5 . He went hell-for-leather.

4 . Sisters are like snowflakes, they all have subtle differences.

3 . It sinks by nine inches, I can relate to that.

2 . If you average it out, but if it only happens once, you can't average it, can you?

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . My big toes have a mind of their own.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Self-Inflicted Ignorance


A man from Liden has made the news with his demands for an extra wheelie bin for his family of five.

Frank Stevens says it has been three months since he asked them for an extra black wheelie bin. The council claim a visit to his home, by a waste warden, to assess the situation was met with no answer and left a card, asking him to ring to make another appointment. Mr Stevens claims they produce between five and seven bags of rubbish a week, which is more than a bag of waste per person, per week.

No mention is made of whether he makes use of his recycling box or plastic bottle collection. May we assume he's putting everything inside the black sacks, recyclables and all?

May we inform him that, as a Borough Council resident, he is entitled to a free, second recycling box. If that isn't enough, you can buy extra ones at £4 from the Waterside Park depot.

No mention is made of whether he has a compost bin, once again, you can buy these for £8.

Swindon Centric Says ; Since the photograph of Mr Stevens shows, what looks like cardboard sticking out of one of the bags, there really isn't much PRIDE (the policy of his employer, Nationwide) in his approach to being responsible for his own rubbish.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

No 'News' In Today's Papers, Residents Not At All Surprised.


The remote possibility that a pub may be haunted, backed up by some 'evidence' in the form of dubious camera phone footage, has taken the place of any real news today.

No-one is particularly surprised. But what is inexcusable is the lack of coverage of those stories that really matter to the town as proper local news. As Komadori rightly pointed out, the Council is to discuss tonight the proposed replacement to the Tented Market at the corner of Commercial Road and Farnsby Street. The replacement is another faceless, 'could be anywhere' set of retail units. When did the word 'building' get replaced by the sterile, uninspiring word 'unit' in planning parlance?

Lets hope planning officers take on board the definition 'landmark' and tell the designers to try harder. Same for the town's news coverage. Start by looking up the word 'news'.

Swindon Centric Says ; If the proposed design is approved then the impact of residents sense on that area will be unchanged. Its sure to be the case that people will give directions to drivers as "where the tented market used to be". What stands out about the 'units' design?

Write in and tell us and you could win a free copy of artist's impressions.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 36


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . She kept shouting, "Jake, Jake, get out of the water."

9 . There's a growing band of us who no longer find him funny.

8 . It makes a flea market look tidy and organised.

7 . He's some billionaire, they're ten-a-penny these days.

6 . If they reduce the price any further, they'll be giving us money to take the stuff away.

5 . It's about as glamorous as conditioning your hair in a mud bath.

4 . Small percentages, seven percent, nine percent, that's a healthy return these days.

3 . It's all about change, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

2 . The woman's got a fixation about the colour purple, what does that tell you?

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . Their wedding was cowboy themed, they didn't say, "I do", they said, "yee-harr", it took a lot for us to not shout out, "rawhide".

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 35


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . What the hell is a caucus anyway?

9 . They had smoke damaged Christmas pudding for half-price.

8 . She can't carry a tune in a bucket, let alone three bags of shopping.

7 . No, it's the stop before that stop.

6 . I very nearly got hit by a flying champagne cork.

5 . No, there were police everywhere, needless to say, nobody got arrested.

4 . Only three-hundred and eighty-three days left.

3 . It's the kipper season.

2 . You can't buy class can you?

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . She was happy when I produced three biscuits.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 34


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . But he never admits to making those mistakes.

9 . If you saw what we saw, well, it'd be more fun than a Only Fools & Horses Christmas Special.

8 . It's not Christmas until Tuesday, does anyone apart from me actually know that?

7 . Why is everyone shopping like the end is nigh, the shops only shut for two days.

6 . This festive season I'm putting weight on for the whole family.

5 . People who actually eat mince pies are like those that support keeping the army in Iraq, each year there's less and less of them.

4 . If those carol singers turn up again you'll have to help me barricade the front door with the tree, that crate of beer and half a dozen tins of quality street.

3 . They're doing a 'let's find an Oliver for Oliver Twist' reality show next year, my new year's resolution is to burn my sky plus box.

2 . We didn't get a tree, I swear the neighbours looked at us like we had two heads.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . It's easy to spot the office tart, she's the one who dresses up in the 'sexy santa helper' outfit, like dental hygienists, they just lure men in, they must be stopped.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Pagan & Wiccan Greetings On This Special Day


Since everyone seems to be either,

1. on a plane going somewhere warm

or

2. having a nervous breakdown in the shops

we would like to wish all those out there celebrating on today's solstice the very best of the Yule festival.

From now on the days get longer and Spring will begin to hint.

Swindon Centric Says ; Whether you be a pagan, wiccan, celtic, druid, or heathen, keep warm tonight by eating and toasting to the coming warmer months.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas Reaches Record Levels ; Town Hall Swamped In Tinsel, Several Dead


Christmas tree safety, Christmas light displays, Christmas travel news, safe Christmas taxi travel, Christmas alcohol safety message, Christmas office party pictures, school Christmas play pictures, Christmas tree pictures, you get the picture.

Real news consisted of ;

1 . The increase in round-the-clock watching of the footage from the town's CCTV cameras.

2 . The reaction to the death of Wootton Bassett teenager Stewart Aitken.

3 . The visit of Lama Rinchen Phuntsok Rinpoche to the town, one of the highest ranking people in the Buddist religion.

Swindon Centric Says ; So there's the actually news separated from the festive tat.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Corked! Councillor Frightened Of Recycling ; Skips Meeting Due To Phobia


We may not be writing about Christmas, but we are on that current small-town staple ; recycling.

The Borough Council cabinet member for the environment cancelled a meeting, in which he would face questions about the new refuse and recycling service, at the last minute, because he wasn't prepared enough for it.

Other councillors said Mr David Wren was informed a month ago of the meeting and that his excuse is not acceptable. They also said most senior councillors have a good enough knowledge of their areas to be ready for a meeting at a day's notice.

Mr Wren defended himself by saying he wasn't informed until two days before and didn't have time to organise.

Councillor Des Moffat said that since he knew he would face a barrage of questions about the new service and the problems with it and that was the reason he didn't show up.

Swindon Centric Says ; Phobia of open space, confined space, spiders, flying, recycling boxes and wheelie bins, ehh?! Did we miss something?

LATE UPDATE

News from the National Centre For Phobia Awareness is that the latest treatment for sufferers of Envirophobia is to hide in a traditional steel rubbish bin, covered by the lid, a la Top Cat. Mr Wren, we know what we're getting you for Christmas!

Do We Need A Scrooge To Sort Out The Recycling?

We promised to try and find news which isn't Christmas related for you. We might have failed in that, but you'll have to be the judge on that.

Since almost all households in Swindon gained a recycling collection along their refuse collection, we'd been led to believe the problems were behind us all.

Never say never in Swindon.

Not all plastic bags, for your plastic bottle collections, have been delivered to all households. Running two weeks late in distribution of the bags, (which is being carried out by a outside contractor) the words of Steve Harcourt, director of environment and health, are hardly urgent or reassuring. He said "They should have finished two weeks ago. Managers are coming to see me soon to see how they will complete the roll out before Christmas."

Since a director wouldn't be expected to work on weekends or around holidays, "soon" translates as tomorrow or Friday as the time left for the anonymous company to get on with it before Christmas.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is it just us, or does the quote from Mr Harcourt make him sound rather like Sergeant Wilson from Dad's Army, "would you mind awfully , just you know, if you wouldn't mind, delivering those bags chaps?"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

If You Can Find A Non-Christmas Story, Tell Us

Despite Christmas being a week away and the festive season having started sometime in October, there still seems to be plenty of related non-news stories to be run.

We've had the 'less shopping this Christmas' story from the business community, the 'charity related Santa wearing runners story', the 'family encountered mild misfortune and can't afford to spend ten thousand pounds on children this year', so what else is left?

The staff here at Swindon Centric can safely predict within the next week :

1. A family having the exterior of their house decorated with more bulbs than RAF Lyneham's main runway.

2. Reminding all households to recycle their Christmas cards, despite nearly all being in possession of a recycling box, which accept paper and cardboard.

3. A man from Old Town who has personally grown all the food needed for his Christmas dinner organically, accompanied by a photograph of the still alive organically reared turkey in his back garden called Noel.

Swindon Centric Says ; In the remaining week before the usual festive madness on Monday and Tuesday we will try and find as much real news as we can.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 33


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . Oh, I'm sorry.

9 . Depends how you define speaking English.

8 . He didn't say anything, not a word of it.

7 . She has more jeans than Levi.

6 . I got a reservation, how's that for service?

5 . In times of crisis, I turn to cottage pie.

4 . No, they're not my gloves.

3 . I can confirm, you really are an idiot.

2 . They've put mistletoe above the queue in the bank, I got away sadly unmolested.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is ...

1 . He said it had probably been lost in the post, everyone's using that excuse these days.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Library Threats Cause Contradictions From Councillors


The spin from local councillors on justification for possible closures of the Old Town and Walcot libraries is pretty shocking.

Councillor Tomlinson says Swindon is bucking the national trend of decline in usage. He then says he doesn't think the new distance to travel would really effect people. But in the next line, he says perhaps it would. So that contradiction is the reason for the consultation.

If you aren't confused yet, you probably will be when you read the following.

Councillor Fionuala Foley says "We have to look at services for the future."

Swindon Centric Says ; So, with a town that has an increase in library patronage, the council decide to review whether to keep some of them open. Then they spout speculation on what they think the results of the consultation might be. Then they justify the review by saying they are trying to plan for the future. Surely there are more people than ever before living in Old Town, with the explosion of flat building over the last few years? So, those people are going to pay council tax, to live in an area, that is going to provide them with less service?

Friday, December 14, 2007

'Story/Free Advertising' Poses As News, Again! ; Readers Fall Asleep


Either laziness of just poor standards seems to be more common at our town's only daily paper this month. When this story appeared, it had a thin vein of 'human interest' running through, but really wasn't hard 'news'.

So you can imagine our unsurprising reaction to this story in today's edition. Considering both stories are by the same reporter, you have to ask, do they have a connection to the car dealership, or is it just a case of blatant free advertising?

Swindon Centric Says ; If you're going to recycle a story, at least have the decency to make the photo different from the first and, you know have news in it too.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 32


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . What exactly is a figgie pudding?

9 . There's Mat, stick your finger up at him.

8 . People keep giving me sideways glances.

7 . There's a special place in hell for those people who play 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day'.

6 . Everyone's buying LED fairy lights, they're energy saving, you could just not put up any lights and save the planet that way.

5 . It's my record of the week.

4 . That kid needs a bloody good hiding for Christmas.

3 . People seem to forget about Sven, he was foreign.

2 . She said she had a festive bra, we all held back from asking if she had any puddings to put in it.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . They've already got Easter eggs set up, I nearly fainted into the chocolate coins.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

We Couldn't Make Up Today's News, Someone Else Already Did

We all know that news can sometimes be rather thin on the ground in Swindon, but if we had to make up a list of headlines of fake news for the town, we needed only look at the front page of the local paper.

As of 10pm Wednesday, the top stories were,

1 . Teenagers handing out mince pies to show people they aren't the roving evil, vandalising hoodies some stupidly think they are.

2 . The top Google search in Swindon is 'police'.

3 . A charity run of 80 santas.

4 . A Spanish school show.

5 . A couple decorating their wheelie bin.

Swindon Centric Says ; With a town of 155,432 and a Borough population of 184,000, we'd hoped to bring you some news, but there just isn't any today.

LATE EDITION

We're working on a story for tomorrow involving a Santa Claus dressed Spanish speaking teenage Community Support Officer handing out mince pies from a brightly painted wheelie bin. More details as we get them.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 31


Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . Can't we give ourselves one more chance?

9 . No, they're still out on strike.

8 . One day they're getting told off for sending offensive emails, then they're getting praised for giving to charity.

7 . You can get cream for that now, I tried the pills, they are huge.

6 . We're a savvy breed, us last-minute shoppers.

5 . I learned a lot from the course, whoever thought hot stone massage could be so in depth.

4 . There's a right way and a wrong way to bake scones and her way is not just wrong, it's 'blindfolded and wrong'.

3 . How do I finish it off, I want to make it sound believable.

2 . That clock's usually slow, apart from the rare occasions it's fast.

And the top ten overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . No, I don't claim child benefit, so I'm laughing.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Bath Uni Leave Oakfield, Report Of Loofah Between Legs


Following the demands from the University Of Bath that it simply had to build on land at Coate Water, which was rejected, it is now leaving the town entirely.

The Oakfield campus, currently occupied by the UOB, is to close. It's claimed the site is simply not viable financially and Bath will therefore move out.

Swindon Centric Says ; This gives the University Of Bath's marketing department a chance to come up with a new brand. It's got location, location, location written all over it.

The University Of Bath, In Bath.

They can have it for free. We won't charge them for it. Call it a leaving present.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

M&S Sparks Contradiction In Town Centre Redevelopment


Marks & Spencer has decided to move into half of the building at Haydon Wick currently occupied by Homebase. The current Homebase store is to be divided in half, allowing M&S to a set up a 37,000 sq ft store.

This seems to go against the current policy of encouraging retailers into the town centre. It also goes against M&S's own environmental policy know as Plan A.

Swindon Centric Says ; Of course this save those who live in North Swindon having to drive as far. But apart from that, it's quite a bit of unsustainable duplication.

Convicted Fraudester Gets Free Advert By Local Paper


We won't comment further, except to apologise for the subtitles on the video, here it is.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is it in your stocking for Christmas? We'd rather read the back of a packet of Strepsils

Stable Doors Are Shut As Dairy Is Torn Down


The 100 year Stratton Old Dairy has been demolished to make way for a house and eight flats.

The councillor for St Philips, David Sammels, came out with lots of words after it had been torn down to say there had been confusion with the planning process and is trying to set up a meeting so that residents know what's happened with the process.

Swindon Centric Says ; Save them the money Mr Sammels and tell them all to look at the pile of rubble. That should tell you and them that the application was rather successful.

Councillors Put In For Overtime To Lower Stratton's Bills


It sounds like a bit of PR and it may well be.

People in Stratton, Covingham and Nythe pay an additional parish council tax on top of their Council Tax to Swindon Borough Council. But do not fear, local councillors are to look into exactly what the extra money is for. There are two worrying aspects to this.

Firstly, why is this investigation even needed? Surely a glance at the accounts book of the parish council will tell you how much is being spent where. Not really rocket science.

Secondly, there's a nagging feeling that after a couple of months of investigation, involving meetings, consultations, maybe even a 'task force', the parish council will say that there are no savings to be made. Because any excess has been spent, on the investigation to find surpluses.

Swindon Centric Says ; So what exactly are residents getting for their £20 to £70 a year in the parish? Gold plated wheelie bins? Plugholes that get water to spin the opposite way? If you're a local to the parish, please leave a comment or email us at swindoncentric@mac.com and let us know what the extra is that you get!

CID Re-examining Town Murders & Rapes


A Major Investigation Team are looking at previously unsolved crimes in Swindon. But authorities are not confirming a connection with convicted murderer Ulrich Muenstermann, who hid from German authorities in Swindon in the early 1990s.

Muenstermann was arrested in 1993, at his house in the town. He had been a suspect, linked by DNA, in the killing of Karen Oehme in Dulmen, Germany. A French magistrate appealed for information from Swindon residents about him in connection with the 1989 killing of Sylvie Baton.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you have any information, click here.