Insurance Claims Spill Over As Canal Plan Is Floated

In a move to show just how sneaky some Swindon residents are, insurance claims for future flooding caused by the Wilts And Berks Canal which is planned to be rebuilt through the town centre have, well, flooded in.

The town centre would have its road system completely redesigned as the water would be returned to Bridge Street and Faringdon Road in a major regeneration move planned.

Despite it being an outlined plan, that hasn't stopped claims rising 137% along the proposed route for future flood damage and smelly carpets due to flooding from the canal.

Rumours that most wealthy Swindon execs have begun to reserve mooring spaces at the planned Fleming Way basin and booking waterside seats at the bistros and restaurants due to be located by the canal side remain unconfirmed tonight.

Swindon Centric Says ; Don't talk wet!

Town's Sandwich Campaign Bites Off More Than It Can Chew

Swindon's attempt to have a famous food dish named after itself have this weekend ended in obese failure.

All places worthy of their town and cities names have a foodstuff named after them, Cheddar Cheese, Melton Mowbray Pork Pies, Buxton Mineral Water, and Harveys Bristol Cream to name far too many.

A working group of business leaders and local politicians have been, err working over the past few weeks to get a new sandwich recipe named after Swindon.

Thought to contain Wiltshire Ham, tomatoes, cucumber, red peppers and locally produced cheese, the sandwich has been touted to knock the socks off the town's sudden love affair with wraps, paninis and the like.

A presentation to the Central Sandwich Decision and Certifiying Board was given a thumbs down by 12 votes, there are 12 board members able to vote so the result is a crushing blow to the town's cuisine culture.

Rumours that the town's branches of Greggs are to break rules and begin selling the sandwich from 9am Monday morning haven't been confirmed this evening but queues at all branches have began to grow rapidly.

Swindon Centric Says ; CRUMBS!

Swindon's Own Fame Academy To Be Built At A Bargain Price

The town's Schools Organisation Committee last night voted to build the Headlands Academy in the town on the site of the current Headlands Secondary School.

Despite huge opposition from councillors, parents and even teachers that this is a huge, untested gamble with Swindon's children's education, the Education Department of the Council have got their way. Of course they need the money to build the thing first.

The price you might ask?

To build a fab new shiny academy?

A mere £35million.

So, the building work will....Hold On One New York Minute!

'A mere £35 million', for an academy? A SCHOOL!

You could build about a dozen decent smaller schools all over town for that much, or rebuild a couple of leisure centres.

Or a light-rail system, a couple of care homes, build a huge civic centre, invest in an arts programme.

But our local authority has decided to build ONE school, ONE!

Well if it is built, it'll probably be the country's most expensive school.

One things for sure, for that price the school dinners won't get moaned at by Jamie Oliver.

For that much they should get four courses and wine, the students that is.

Library Building Starts ; Builders Reminded To Turn Off Mobile Phones

Construction work finally began today on Swindon's brand new Central Library. The site at Regent Circus will be a striking design which will incorporate a glass sided spiral staircase with brickwork in the same style as the adjacent Town Hall.

It has also been assured that construction work will happen without disruption and in keeping with Council Library policy the work will be constantly overseen by a middle-aged officious female librarian wearing half-moon glasses on a chain.

She will also have a small 'quiet' sign in front of her at all times and every twenty minutes go ''shhhh!'' to all the contractors.

Anyone who steps out of line will have their Mum called said a Council spokesman.

Rumours that builders have been issued with slippers remain unconfirmed tonight.

Magic Roundabout To Be On Postcards ; Next Subject Is Brunel's Big Hat

This year's must have Christmas stocking filler and holiday postcard this year is going to be the soon to be published Magic Roundabout postcard which the town is going in a spin for.

It has been said that Swindonians are taking it all in their strides and are pretty damn proud. One man, called Bobby, out in Queens Park walking his dog said '' its swings and roundabouts, we can cope''.

Rumours that the next subject will be the swings from the children playground at Lydiard Park haven't yet been confirmed or indeed denied.

Crime Figures In ; Pants Are Up And Bras Are Down As Police Resources Questioned

Questions are being asked this weekend over the effectiveness of Swindon and Wiltshire's police resources after a saucy disclosure.

Police time is being spent in Purton looking for the owner and story behind the appearence of several bras and knickers littering a street in the sleepy village over the past few months.

The story, which broke this week has seen a dangerous increase in the number of double-entendres used by residents in Swindon and the surrounding area. For public safety sake, we have been asked by Wiltshire Constabulary to publish them here.

- Lets just hope it is a brief investigation!

- Im sure the police have no-thong to worry about.

- its all pants!!!!

- pass them on to Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, they seem to have a shortage of clean knickers!

- Have police officers taken down anyone's particulars?

- I suppose with the thongs, police have very little material to go on?

- I suppose with the bras, officers need to keep abreast of the situation?

In Swindon Centric's opinion, this story needs to be kept clean and there's no point getting your knickers in a knot about it, all it is is knick-knacks.

Click here to see Purton's dirty laundry being aired in public

Swindon To Merge With Reading ; Signmakers Shares Rise On Announcement

With the news from the National Archives at Kew that Britain considered a merger with France in the 1950s, a story which we're following tonight has remarkable similarities.

Senior members of the business community in Swindon say that the local government of Reading and Swindon are agreeing on the small print in the last stages of a deal to merge both towns.

With both towns losing out in the 'small provincial towns in the south with high employment and hi-tech firms but mediocre town centre' catergory to other hip young places such as Peterborough and Guildford, a merger was deemed the most effective solution.

'' Legally, both towns don't need to ballot or even consult their citizens. I don't really mind what happens, as I live in Chippenham '' , that comment by Norm Orkin, local-ish regional government constitutional expert.

Swindon Centric is going to bring you the very latest on this as we get it. Some residents are worried they may be made homeless, their houses being knocked down and moved toward Reading. Others have suggested it could lead to a great big town that has a virtual monopoly on the 'small towns' market, limiting competition.

Councillor Curtis from Reading South has suggested the new name for the merged town be Reading since there are less letters in Reading than Swindon. It was later pointed out by Councillor White from Swindon West that both towns have the same number of letters and that Curtis was a fool for suggesting such an idea. Councillor White waded further into the naming debate by saying the name should include the same number of vowels and consonants as both names have when you take into account the mean average.

Although media should remain impartial, Swindon Centric must voice concerns that it fears for its own future, we may even have to change our name. And this domain name wasn't easy to get.

Since both places have the letters 'i' and 'n', this blog suggests the new name could be 'Nining'

Nining Centric, hmm, lets see if anyones got that registered. Bet no-one's cybersquatted on that yet.

Town's Buildings On Quicksand ; Bible Readers Pleased To See A Modern Remake

Late breaking news tonight about Swindon's much anticipated town centre regeneration by our town's anticipators. Swindon Centric has learned from several high profile builders, with low-profile bum-clevages, that several of town's newest buildings are under threat of collapse.

Many buildings within the town centre are believed to be at risk due to a layer of quicksand that runs right underneath the heart of the town.

Local builders and local authority officials are thought to have known of the situation many months ago. Local quote from Martin Guinessman, contractor worker for Lewis-Linskey and Donald, '' I was told to accompany my boss to the site of the former Police Station at Fleming Way last year. We only actually demolished the roof and top floor of the building, after the first day we came in the next morning to find the building had begun to sinck into a hole. We were shocked to lose a bulldozer and my Simpsons lunchbox at the same site.''

Other buildings which are believed to be at risk of collapse include Plaza 21 at Sanford Street and the refurbished Paramount Building on Princes Street.

A strawpoll of opinions of Swindon Centric workers found no-one was bothered by the rumour from a rival building contractor that the Borough Council's Executive Offices are at serious risk of being sucked into a seam of quicksand.

We'd like to know if you are?

Which buildings would you not mind, containing some of our town's most famous faces, sincking beneath the ground?

Post some suggestions and we'll see what we can do.

Bristol Gets A Run-Away Runway

With the full reopening of Bristol International Airport last week, the actually cause was far more embarrassing to it's owners than the popularly circulated version.

The mass media reported the cause was the lack of traction grooves cut into the temporary surface, making planes skate about like a drunk Olympic athlete on braking after landing.

However a tip-off from a Captain who would only identify himself as B.I Ggles told Swindon Centric that early 7th January Friday morning, after bring in his Sopwith Camel that a 227 foot section of the runway was missing. '' There was just an area of freshly disturbed mud where the concrete and tarmac-topped section should have been, I thought perhaps we'd had the Groundforce team in and they were installing cheaper and nicer looking decking.''

A hasty repair job ensued, giving Bristol Lullsgate back its 227 feet and safe to operate flights.

The exact whereabouts of the section of runway remain unknown this hour, but rumours that Heathrow has attached an extra 227 feet to its runway 27R to accomodate the introduction of the new A380 super-jumbo remain hearsay.

NEWSFLASH! SWINDON CENTRIC RETURNS! MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS FOR NO GOOD REASON OTHER THAN TO GRAB YOUR WEB BROWSING EYES!

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Swindon Centric's main HQ has been unable to publish for the past week owing to a black hole being discovered in the stationary cupboard. Fortunately the black hole only swallowed a half a dozen bottles of tip-ex, four packets of purple post-in notes and several thousand paper clips. A blonde, 24 year old intern was also devoured by the black mass from outer space, though we've been advised to keep that quiet.

'' We came back into work following the New Year break and by mid-day we all agreed we'd heard noises from the room where the stationary cupboard is. Assuming it was just a drunk sub-editor, we left it for several more days until the blonde intern, Cynthia had been missing for 4 hours after announcing she was going to get a new ruler before any of us looked in the door.'' That comment from Jimmy Olsen, formerly of the Daily Planet photo desk.

After this dramatic storyline breaking right on our own doorstep, indeed, within reach of the coffee machine, we can promise we will keep you fully informed, fully misinformed.

Local Victoria Road rumours that a local waste disposal firm was seen throwing household waste and what looked like several former Iraqi ballistic missiles (stamped 'made in UK' on the sides) into our stationary cupboard have remained undenied by our editor-in-a-red-shirt-at-large, in a vein attempt to boost our site traffic.

Swindon's 'New Year Not Noticed Nutty Day' A Great Big Success

As people get back into the swing of the 9 to 5 following Monday's New Year celebrations, people working in Swindon service sector did some reveling of their own on Tuesday with the town's New Year Not Noticed Nutty Day 2007 being hailed the best yet.

The annual event gives those working in shops, supermarkets, newsagents, bakeries, market stalls, public transport and hospital workers the chance to be as outrageous as possible in their daily tasks. Brian Willis, 51, chairman of the Swindon New Year Nutty Day Organising Group summed up the origins of the event, '' while most people have Christmas and New Year off work, those who do the vital jobs that keep our town going have to work over this season, therefore with people going back to work being so tired and cranky they usually don't notice when somethings changed, so we started to dress up and subtley alter the services provided to see if anyone sees anything different on their first day back.''

Several of the practical jokes played on Swindonians yesterday included Thamesdown and Stagecoach advertising that services number 7, 54 and 16 and 17 would all start and terminate in Cheltenham, First Great Western got in on the act by running several services to London via Birmingham. Most commuters didn't notice. A coffee shop in town swapped milk as an ingredient in its beverages with bucks fizz and nurses at the GWH dressed up as dracula on the maternity ward.

Ideas are already being tabled for next year's Nutty Day pranks.

Terrorists Caused Town's Fog, Bin Laden Spotted In The Express Check-Out Line At Tesco

The stubborn fog experienced by the whole of Swindon in the week before Christmas was not a mere atmospheric fluke as most innocently minded residents thought.

Swindon Centric's main office in Swindon was tipped off over Christmas ( a message was left on our answerphone) by an un-named member of the Met Office based in Bristol, we won't reveal his real name, but for the sake of this important story, we will call him Richard Langwin who can be seen Monday's to Friday's, 6.30pm on BBC1's Points West regional news show.

The low-lying cloud which shrouded Swindon for several days was, it transpires, sponsored by Osama Bin Laden. After being thwarted from causing disruption to air travel by restrictions on taking liquids and charcoal briquettes on board international flights the best he could come up with was dense, low-lying cloud, which may not have directly killed anyone, but certainly put folks in a rum-mood and increased levels of the winter condition, SAD with sunlight blocked from cheering people up.

Rumours that the US's Air Forces' B-52's, based at RAF Fairford, carpet-bombed a suspected terrorist cave hideout at St Andrew's Ridge on Boxing Day remain unconfirmed tonight.

Swindon's Babies Getting Too Fat For The Womb, GWH Can't Cope

In a story getting bigger by the minute tonight, Swindon Centric has learned that babies being born in the town are putting a huge, podgy strain on mothers and mid-wives this Christmas season.

Primary Care Trust officials hope this is just a short-term problem as mothers to-be have been over indulging over the holidays. However health and safety chiefs are voicing concern as babies become too big for the mothers they are being delivered by. This follows a unconfirmed report of a heavily pregnant woman giving birth in Bridge Street. Experts have calculated that an oversized baby in an undersized womb has the same explosive potential as a champagne cork in the neck of a bottle.

The mother in question ''had a turn'' in Bridge Street and the baby was ''there one minute and gone the next'', quotes from Stanley Ridge, 48, a full-time Passer-By from Lydiard Millicent. '' There was a noise like an explosion, then the baby was gone, we heard shouts from the Jubilee Clock at the corner of Canal Walk, the baby had landed unharmed wedged in the clock several hundred yards away, my wife didn't see any of it, she was sale shopping''.

Staff at the Great Western Hospital have been issued with hard-hats until the new year

Town's Viewing Figures Show Christmas TV Was Better Before Christmas Happened

In a story that many will understand will be the truth, but may prefer to deny the fact, Swindon Centric can hit you with an exclusive.

Christmas Day TV was better before Christmas existed, that's according to a study by local group Citizens For Moral Outrage based in Stratton St Margaret.

They've found that despite good efforts by the BBC with Doctor Who (which was good, everyone at Swindon Centric agrees) and The Vicar Of Dibley (also good), TV before Christmas was just better.

They point to viewing figures comparing two Morecambe and Wise Christmas specials, the 1977 AD Christmas Special was watched by a record, for the time, of 28 million viewers. The 121 BC Pre-Christmas Special of Morecambe And Wise however had an audience of 128 million proving without any doubt that TV at this very special time of year has begun to drop off.

See those exceptional viewing figures right here

South Pole Record Team Abandons Attempt After Not Having A Unique Enough Group Name

There's disappointment in the Covingham area of Swindon this Boxing Day after a group attempting to walk unaided to the South Pole had to turn back after finding their group didn't have the unique name they thought it did.

The team's fourteen members from the call centre department of United Industrial Blowtorches, based at Edison Road flew back into RAF Lyneham this morning, the team had only got as far as London Heathrow when the news came thorough that another group from United Industrial Blowtorches from the Huntingdon office has just reached the South Pole unaided.

'' We've been planning this for several months and to be struck with this news just as we begin is, well for workers in this industry, it's a real blow, '' that comment from Luc Craven, 26, the team coordinator who lives in Latton.

Next Boxing Day the team plan to try again, having twelve members dressed as the respective characters from the song ' The 12 Days Of Christmas' and just to make sure no-one steals their unique record, they'll walk backwards, eating Wagon Wheels and singing 'Amarillo' in Mandarin'.

Town's Turkeys Are Revolting ; People Panic Buy Their Peace-Loving Quorn Alternative

With barely four hours to go before most major stores and supermarkets close for the Christmas holidays, reports are being reported that turkeys everywhere are revolting.

The up-rising was first noticed by a nosey Moredon woman stood in the ten items or less line in Morrisons at Haydon Wick , '' I glanced round at a pallet of discounted biscuit tins next to the freezers when this headless turkey jumped up on the shelf it was on, pushed open the door and ran off toward the bakery to thaw off, passed the canned peas.''

Ms A Podmore, of Jubilee Gardens, didn't report this strange event at the time as her husband was outside in the car and she had to get back for a Desperate Housewives double-bill on More 4.

Fifteen minutes earlier, a gang of twelve turkeys was seen running down Paddington Drive by a startled Stagecoach driver, '' not the sought of thing you expect to see when on time and a half on Christmas Eve,'' he commented.

Unconfirmed sources at the Wiltshire Constabulary said the turkeys were going to Bridgemead Sainsburys to liberate several of their more oppressed comrades at the fresh meat counter.

Residents are being advised to lock their windows, bolt their doors and say their prayers. But make sure any turkeys already in the house are left outside first.

Residents Believe Football Violence Could Be Halted By Removing Seats ; Police Deny Saying 'If They Had A Brain They'd Be Dangerous'

Following Saturday's clash at Swindon Town's match against Bristol Rovers, several concerned residents have asked for the Council to ban seats at future football matches to deny thugs the chance to throw anything.

'' I don't think the residents who have raised this have really thought it through since I'm sure they'd just find something else to throw, probably each other, or the referee'' , said Paul Lemmon Sports And Disasters Officer.

Suggestions that the same residents would have asked for icebergs to be made illegal after the sinking of the Titanic have been dismissed as frivolous.

In a totally unrelated story, other residents have asked to have a footpath closed since drug debris is found covering the right of way.

Read that entirely unrelated story here

Army And Police On Alert As Christmas Shopping Turns Into A Scene From Gremlins

With the majority of stores now closed this Sunday afternoon, anti-tank blocks, self defence training for staff and cages to put feisty shoppers in have been rolled out all over town as Christmas shopping enters the final countdown.

The local civil defence plan will be enacted from 9am until 10pm tomorrow and every day at the same hours through Friday to 'protect the innocence and punish the overly festive' said local Territorial Army Deputy Sarah Mckenzie at an emergency news conference at the County Ground.

The situation began deteriorating mid-day on Friday and is though to stay in a similar state throughout the week until around mid-morning on Thursday when most people are expected to have finished their shopping and be concentrating on travelling home.

This weekend's shopping figures were released for Swindon this evening, the highlights include, three checkout staff assaulted with mince pies, seven brass bands in a brawl and seventy three shop windows smashed, fourteen of which were at the Canal Walk branch of Starbucks as patrons were told they had ran out of espresso brownies and poppy seed muffins.

Unconfirmed reports that the mayor was heard suggesting citizens ' grab a bottle, a tin of quality street and pray for the 27th' have been denied by councillors.

Wrapping Paper Shortage Could Upset Kids Who Already Know What Their Presents Are

In a conspiracy that could have the size and scale of the alleged Diana plot, uncertainty and rumour surround Swindon's supply of wrapping paper for Christmas.

The whole situation came to attention when a fight broke out between two woman in WHSmith in Regent Street battling over a roll of red and green tartan patterned at noon today. As the women were dragged away by police, bystanders report hearing them shout 'that was the last roll and it was MINE!'. Stunned Friday lunchtime shoppers panicked and within 20 minutes selling out of wrapping paper was reported by Woolworths, BHS, Marks And Spencer and Boots.

A spokeswoman for Clinton Cards said they were rationing customers to one roll per transaction. After just 35 minutes the news had reached the Outlet Village and by 5 o'clock Asda Walmart at Haydon Wick had run down to its last pallet.

The Council Officer for Public Safety and Yellow Line painting, Marcus Forster-Smythe, '' We can confirm there is no wrapping paper shortage, if the people who've been buying up large quantities of paper had bought it at the normal rate there'd be plenty to go round.''

Despite the reassurance, queues developed this evening at WHSmith when a rumour flew that a delivery is expected tomorrow morning at 8am. Anyone going to line up is advised to wear warm clothing, shoes and underwear. A kevlar lined vest and shin pads are optional but would be important for your own safety.

We'll keep you updated with this story as it unwraps.

A Non-Driving Passer-By Says He'll Think Twice About Drink Driving After Being Told He'd Have His Name And Picture In The Paper

A man questioned in a vox-pops on Canal Walk about the pre-Christmas anti-drink driving campaign had to feign interest in the story when he was told his picture and name would appear in a local paper.

'' I was asked whether the display of a crashed car that killed it's driver would make me think twice about drink driving especially over the holiday season. When I was about to say to the young lady reporter that actually I don't drive, she told me they'd take my picture and put it in the paper. I quickly said 'yes it's pretty shocking and would make me think again' as I thought about appearing in the local rag. What a treat, my Mum will be so pleased.''

That comment from Martin Partridge, 29, a camel dung dealer from Redhouse, who's on page 4, bottom right hand corner, just underneath the advert for cheap-roll end carpet of the Swindon Beaver Herald.

Rumours, put about by us, that the paper will tomorrow run an exclusive that he's actually a non-driver and that its reporter was duped by a professional confidence trickster have been denied.

Read about something entirely unrelated here