This Just In - Swindon Bins Filled With Laptops, Jazz Bands & Rubbish

LATE BREAKING NEWS

Details have just reached us in the last few minutes of a shocking story that is breaking across the town this evening. A source we'll call Maria, from Swindon Borough Council has contacted us to say that a secret survey conducted this week has some shocking results.

Surveys of the contents of the entire Borough issued general waste wheelie bins makes for upsetting reading. The headlines look like this ;

- 46% contain general household unrecyclable waste.

- 17% contain general household recyclable waste. Those lazy people will be dealt with.

- 14% contain missing government laptops and data discs.

- 9% contain nothing as those residents eat their waste. They will be dealt with by the people in white coats.

- Another 9% are being used as dens in those residents gardens.

- 3% are being used to transport a jazz band and their instruments to a gig in Old Town.

- And the final 2% are actually bottomless...

Swindon Centric Says ; And for those freaky highly-strung residents moaning in the previous story, they all contain maggots. Get over it.

Besides if you have one of the 3% with the ' Swindon All Star Jazz Upbeaters Band ' in them, then as you sluice them out with boiling water, you can bop along to the jazz rhythms, everyone's a winner.