Thursday, June 28, 2007

Council Spins A Crunchy Crisps Non Story

In a move that shows, despite the standing down of Tony Blair, that at a national level spin in government announcements may be taking a backseat, at a local level, Swindon Council are leading the way at dominating the headlines by controlling the local media.

Taking up several pages in today's Swindon Beaver Herald, the number of crisps sold at Council operated cafes has been talked up by special media advisors to the point that anyone would imagine it was like the top ten rich people or back pre-internet downloads when people got excited about the Sunday top forty chart countdown.

For the record, Swindon's favourite flavour is Smoky Robinson and the Miracles Bacon and the Taw Hill area has the most upmarket crisp taste, 76% of crisp eating residents in that district prefer those posh ones that cost an extra 60p per packet, all for the added luxury of being sprinkled with sea salt.

Swindon Centric Says ; A half-baked crispy story, that really just isn't a story. Not 'Alf!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Dangerous Rise In Number Of Residents Talking Rubbish On Tennis

Swindon has seen a 157% rise in the number of residents talking like they know what they mean about tennis, as Wimbledon began this week.

Shaun Snooper, 34, of the Swindon Eager Listeners Association said, " we have our extensive snoopers around town, many of whom are pensioners who pretend to be deaf, but actually have keener ears than bats. So my advice, if you're going to talk about the tennis for the next two weeks, please do some reading up about the techniques of the many players at Wimbledon, so you sound like you know what you're talking about.''

Swindon Centric understands police are now giving fixed penalty notices for anyone seen standing in a queue at Greggs between the hours of noon and 2pm who talks loudly about tennis.

Swindon Centric Says ; New balls!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Man Charged For Not Having Top Button Done Up

In an effort to fill up plenty of blank pages on a slow news day, the Swindon Beaver Herald today covered a man who was fined £14.76 for being seen walking down Commercial Road during business hours on the morning of June 7th without his top shirt button done up.

Police say they are clamping down on open-shirted men in the town's buttoned down business district, at least they say that when the Swindon Beaver Herald has a very slow news day.

Swindon Centric Says ; In our new Predictive News Service we can safely break a story that will lead the headlines tomorrow, the weather, we got our crystal ball out, we really are that good newshounds!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 13

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. Have I met your mother?

2. Look at that rain, thought we were in Boscastle for a minute.

3. She's always shopping, her husband's always doing overtime, but I don't think it's enough to cover it.

4. Don't touch it, you'll just make it worse.

5. Do you go to town?

6. If she hasn't had a breakdown by the end of the summer, it'll be because she's started drinking more heavily.

7. Longest day of the year today, it's all downhill from here.

8. The kids who go to Glastonbury don't care about the music, it's all posh people from Cheltenham.

9. She chased him down Newcastle Street with a packet of super noodles.

10. She takes so many pills, she must rattle when she walks to the shops.

Any suggestions for next week? Please let us know!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Local Schoolkid Achieves Slightly Above Average Task On His Own

A seven year old from the Rodbourne Road area of Swindon has made local press and even national TV (it was Channel 5, we think that counts), after he was able to polish his own school shoes without adult assistance.

'' This is a tremendous achievement, Swindon we believe provides the perfect environmental factors for nurturing children to know the ins and outs of shoe polishing on their own.'' That comment from Sarah McFooe of the local children's charity, Cotton Wool Kids.

Its expected that little Jimmy, 7 years of age from Rodbourne Road, will be competing at an inter-regional level for South-West/South champion for shoe polishing at an under 11 event.

An unnamed family source is reported to have said this lunchtime, ''we believe he can do it, but he'll have to buff up his ideas first.''

Swindon Centric Says ; What next, children able to go out on their own, back to being chimney sweeps, digging coal out for us in unsafe pits? It could be cheaper than employing immigrants to do it, they could have competition.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Roundabouts Reinvented ; Town Stays Ahead Of The Curve

Think of Swindon dear reader and several things instantly spring to mind, the railway, the greenery and wide open spaces and of course, roundabouts.

In recent years however, the edge, or should that be, the curve, has been lost by our town, with a lowering in the number of roundabouts built.

'' Recent construction has seen circular road junctions give way to grids or traffic lights on intersections at right angles.'' That stimulating comment from council road traffic junction expert, Maurice Minor.

To add a new twist to Swindon's unique concentration of roundabouts, from midnight on Monday, all roundabouts will become anticlockwise only for the next ninety days within the Swindon Borough limits. If the scheme is deemed successful at giving Swindon's traffic circles back their kookiness, then the idea will become permanent.

Swindon Centric Says ; We need to get a webcam up on the Magic Roundabout before Monday, someone call the tech guy!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 12

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. No, that's the wrong end.

2. He didn't even know the way to Asda, let alone Amarillo.

3. Don't let me forget tomatoes.

4. Do you know what Nessun Dorma means?

5. Swindon's got talent; have you seen me juggle?

6. He bought me flowers, he's feeling guilty about something.

7. I get more pleasure from a sneeze than a romantic night with him.

8. This was where we nearly hit that Accord, I thought my time was up.

9. Everyone says I'm making the right choice, but people say that just to be nice don't they?

10. Just because he's got a blockbuster card, doesn't mean he's got Barry Norman sense in picking good films. Failure To Launch, I'll never get the time back I wasted watching that film.

Any suggestions for next week? Overheard a tidbit on the bus? Let us know!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Swindon Breaks Records ; Pensioners Scared Of Long Grass ; Town Comes Top Of Scaredy-Cat Poll

In a shocking and frightening 'story' (by our record breaking timidness), pensioners in Swindon have said they are being held prisoner in their own home.

Not by burglars.

Not by drug dealers.

Not by gangs.

But by grass.

We'll say it again, GRASS.

Grass and not the slightly illegal fun-attached type that you smoke, oh no. The boring, lawn covering kind.

The council have lapsed cutting the grass at pensioners bungalows off Ferndale Road and it's got so long they were all left with no option at all, but to contact the Swindon Beaver Herald to express their outrage.

Swindon Centric Says ; What next, bread that's too hard or water that's too wet? If we were the Daily Mail we would end with 'we're going to hell in a handcart', but we're not, so we won't. We'll just say....GET A GRIP!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Residents Get Militant Over Meteorologists False Claims

Town residents have got angry over the lack of rain they've been promised by Swindon weather forecasters.

Several dozen marched this lunchtime to the main Swindon Meteorological Office based at Bath Road and shouted loudly that the staff inside were all liers after this weekend's forecasts.

'' On Sunday we were led to believe there would be showers and again today, I went to work with a brolly and nothing again. They can't carry on issuing these warnings then not letting them happen. This isn't like the government trying to scare us with terror threat warnings, this is weather, the rain, vital to the functioning of the country.'' That comment from Martine St Clair of Abbey Meads.

The police had to intervene and move the protesters on after militant weather forecasters began throwing weather veins and salty seaweed out of the top floor window on the people gathered in the street.

Swindon Centric Says ; They've forecast showers for the rest of the week, will the office get burned down if it stays dry?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 11

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. I have no idea, just ask someone else would you.

2. Far more entertaining to put Davina McCall in that Big Brother house.

3. I'm surprised more people haven't made jokes about 'Paris Hilton using her get out of jail free card'.

4. She came into work wearing that white dress, she looked far from angelic.

5. What's worse, first or third degree burns?

6. You can get a far cheaper set of them from Ikea.

7. My potatos are almost ready! Can't wait.

8. Unless you'd come into work naked, I doubt anyone would have noticed your new haircut.

9. Like an archer with an arrow, we're going to miss him.

10. Just cut it right back when it starts wilting and it'll spring back up when it rains. We are still talking about roses?

Overheard anything? Let us know.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Council Launches Big Garden Shed-Sized Recycling Box To Store All Little Recycling Boxes Inside

In a welcome, though slightly bizzare move, Swindon Borough Council has said it will distribute a large, garden shed sized recycling box to store all wheelie bins and recycling containers inside.

Many residents have expressed concern at the space to store all refuse containers when the Borough has town-wide recycling services in July.

'' We voted to provide all residents with a big box, essentially, to store all the other boxes they'll need inside.'' That comment from Chief Recycling Officer, Martin Matryoshka of Swindon Borough Council.

Rumours that to blend in, residents can specify a original 'big' black box, or a newer, orange coloured one to match their proper size containers hasn't been confirmed, though some DIY stores are researching providing garden sheds disguised as huge, walk-in recycling boxes.

The Council refused to be drawn further, but did confirm that the super-sized boxes would be weighed down to keep them blowing down the street in windy weather with bricks and rockery stones on the lids (roofs). They did hint they would be of flatpack construction.

Swindon Centric Says ; If it only costs a fiver to buy these additional big-sized storage boxes, then people could buy half a dozen and convert them to houses!

Monday, June 04, 2007

Ferret Found In Town Garden ; Becomes Media Darling Due To Lazy Reporter

Commotion and non-reasoned celebrity worship hit central Swindon this lunchtime after a ferret was found in the back garden of Swindon Beaver Herald cub-reporter Jimmy Olsen.

'' I'd been at home with some really bad back ache over the weekend and as today was a slow news day, my editor, Mr J J Jameson told me to take today off as well. It was only while I was making some toast that I looked out the kitchen window and noticed a ferret looking into my wheelie bin. I grabbed my camera and snapped a few pictures, then rang my editor. What a scoop.'' That comment from Mr Olsen, of Goddard Avenue.

Ferrets are rare in Swindon, indeed most are upper class and only frequent the top end of Okus Road at Angel Ridge, it's rare according to local experts to find one this far East at this stage of the summer.

This particular ferret is named Celia and is reported to have been separating Mr Olsen's refuse into his recycling box.

Rumours that Celia is due to appear in a feature in the Swindon Beaver Herald with a tie in to the Sunshine Swindon Breakfast Show (Swindon Channel 915 on your Freeview and Sky systems) about minimising your household waste has been denied by Celia's agent, Mimi Crocker, of Crocker's Power Agents.

Swindon Centric Says ; Celia should get a book deal and some awful reality/lifestyle series on Channel 4 or BBC 2 with a pun in the title, Mary Queen Of Shops, who cares?!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 10

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1 . She saw a rat, I swear she was about to turn into one of those zombies in 28 Days Later, screaming.

2 . He keeps going on and on about the extension getting built ; any minute now he's going to be referring to it as The East Wing.

3 . Oh a concrete breeze block fell on his arm and back, he's fine, it bounced off.

4 . Their Cornish pasties should be made illegal, they are too gorgeous.

5 . Since the Big Brother started, people seem to have forgotten about Iraq.

6 . They're planning to move the Post Office into WHSmiths, maybe we'll get clubcard points on buying stamps.

7 . She said he's not a liar, he says he economical with the truth, I say he's an arse.

8 . No, I've ran out of credit.

9 . He owes me £30, he said he'd pay me in kind, arrrgghhh!

10 . I'll get off at your stop, I don't trust you to get there yourself.

Any snippets for next week? Send us a message!