Sunday, April 29, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 5

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. Do you ever hear someone and it goes in one ear and out the other?

2. Yeah, it does go to the outlet.

3. They arrested a streaker, wonder if there will be an identity parade?

4. Its ensuite, she thinks that's the reason she's in Band D.

5. Women threw themselves under horses for the right to vote, I don't reckon anyone would do that now.

6. I text her back but don't hold your breath on a reply her boyfriend is back for the weekend.

7. We've got dayriders if we get lost.

8. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Yeah ok, but there's always Alan Sugar, thinks he's the new Simon Cowell.

9. Big Brother is so over.

10. Is Who Wants To Be A Millionaire still on? I haven't watched ITV since Nick Berry was in Heartbeat.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Antimatter Device Wipes Town District Off The Map - For 45 Minutes

A slight power surge at the Swindon based National Secret Research Association, which has it's top secret headquarters on Hawksworth Way (their office is the one with the big 'top secret' sign written in red outside), caused a problem with some trial equipment.

The Quasmatron-8000x edition, which we can't reveal what it does ( a source claims it's an antimatter generator), had been put on standby during the office lunchhour yesterday. About 1.20pm, a local power surge (it was Mexican Day in the canteen) turned the machine on and it was left running, unattended, for half an hour.

'' When I returned, I immediately hit the Big Red Cut-Off button and switched off the power, then all the heads of department decended into our war bunker to check the local area for any side effects.'' That quote from Doctor Stephen Vendra, who was wearing a white coat when we spoke to him.

Although NSRA refused to confirm until early this morning, the antimatter device caused the temporary temperal displacement of a large area of the town, Kembrey Park to be exact for 45 minutes from 1.35pm onwards.

During those three quarters of an hour Kembrey Park was relocated via wormhole to East Brunswick, New Jersey. Despite the short time period developers had already drawn up plans for 10,000 new homes on the vacant land.

Rumours that local bus companies are to charge people the excess fare for the new Fare Stage Y for those on buses that were transported to the Eastern United States haven't been confirmed. But a spokesman did say any excess would have to be in exact change only.

Swindon Centric Says ; You think leaving the toaster on can cause problems.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Town Pickpockets Perform To Music ; Robberies Made Theatrical - Public Buy The Soundtrack

In a twist to a story running through the town tonight, Swindon Centric has the full, accurate details.

There has been a sharp rise in purse-snatching from people in the town centre. It's believed the bulk of the rise is due to a roaming gang that travel specifically to Swindon to target shoppers for a few days, then leave town.

But word has been heard on the street that the leader of the pickpocketing gang is a man called Mr George Fagin who's street urchins have been seen walking in the town centre and occasionally bursting into song for no reason at all, except for the sheer joy of it, usually including a song and dance number at the same time.

Office workers on their lunchbreak were entertained while queuing at the pasty shop in the Parade with a tuneful rendition of 'Food Glorious Food' today. At the end, as the crowd of Swindonians applauded and the street urchins took a bow, two community support officers gave chase, but lost them in the alleys and backstreets and in the London-style peasouper fog that had suddenly decended on the town centre.

'' We advise all shoppers and anyone passing through the town centre to be on their guard. These cheeky-chappy ne'er do wells can be spotted by their fingerless gloves and thick clothing which looks suspicious, especially in the mild weather.'' That comment from community officer Harry Reed.

He added that anyone hearing a group of under 18 year old boys singing show tunes in a East End accent was a dead give-away.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you hear anyone whistling 'you've got to pick a pocket or two' or asking for more gruel, then be wary!

Cor blimey gov'ner!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Ssssh! Quiet! You'll Raise the Dead!

In a story that reads like the cheap knock off of a Hammer Horror film (maybe it is?), authorities are seeking a town Doctor after allegations of grave robbing and reanimation.

Family GP, Doctor Hugo McFrank-Estyne who was local doctor at his surgery on the windswept crag jutting out at the end of Okus Road, Old Town didn't show up for work this morning and hasn't been seen since.

'' This coincides with a spate of bodysnatching from churchyards all over the town. Two shift workers walking past St Mark's church in the Railway Village saw a hooded figure heaving something over the railway line at about 5.30 this morning. If anyone sees the Doctor or any hunched assistants, please do not approach them as you may ruin the dramatic ending of this story.'' That comment from PC Mary Morgan, of the creepy but more interesting than traffic duty department at Wiltshire Constabulary.

Rumours that lightning rods have been placed on the roof of the Doctor's surgery and a huge thunderstorm is brewing above the Okus Road area haven't been confirmed, though Southern Electric did say they had experienced a number of complaints of brownouts while at the same time cackling laughter could be heard and the manic shouting of 'IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE!!!!' echoed around Old Town.

One resident who refused to be named (though we can tell you he lives at number 536 Okus Road and his name is Vincent Price) said the screaming was enough to ''raise the dead''.

He may be right!

Swindon Centric Says ; Where's Peter Cushing the great killer of all things supernatural when you need him?

Monday, April 23, 2007

Doctor Who Thought Responsible For Oasis Gig Problems

Problems at last night's Oasis concert of famed Scottish singer Paolo Nutini have been traced back to having a Doctor Who connection.

Following the Saturday report from Swindon Centric about the Doctor parking and disguising the TARDIS as the Oasis sports hall long term, it seems the TARDIS has had it's biggest effect on the town to date.

Some concertgoers alleged Paolo had one too many drinks and gave a less than good performance on Sunday. Many left in droves before the show ended. The actual poor quality singing was due to the Doctor having the TARDIS's anti-molecular rectifier filter switched to 'very high/stun' as he battled a especially subborn clan of The Ood who had invaded a chip shop in Nine Elms.

'' If I'd known we'd be seeing a below average quality concert in the midst of an intergalactic alien battle, on my weekend off, well. I should have taken my girlfriend to see McFly. At least its easier to deal with the flying knickers than flying laser beams from aliens wrecking the town.'' That comment from Steven Jones (no relation to Martha Jones), 24 of Peatmoor.

When contacted Doctor Who refused to comment on ongoing intergalactic operations, but did say for equality he prefers the term 'extraterrestrial' rather than 'alien'.

The Truthiness Blog Says ; When the doctor regenerates, do you reckon he'll put 'some new shoes on'? We love our puns!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 4

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. I really warmed to the characters.

2. They stop serving meals at 8, so we went to the Chinese.

3. Stupid cow.

4. Welcome to the World's most boring bus journey.

5. Come on, I'm sitting at the back.

6. Who said belly dancing had fallen out of fashion?

7. That bell isn't working.

8. She's doing a part-time child-care course, does she know there's no such thing as a part-time child?

9. Where do all these twats in open-top cars come from in warm weather?

10. I'm a celebrity, let me in Tom!

one more for luck

11. I give it a week, then we'll see who's crying into her designer suit.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

TARDIS - Time And Relative Dimension In Swindon

As teenagers all over Swindon recover from last night's McFly concert at the Oasis Leisure Centre in the town, Swindon Centric can break a story that's been overlooked in the last few months.

Big names have been appearing at the Oasis recently, with gigs happening in the sports hall, which though big, is not where you'd expect big music acts to play in a town of this size.

Despite having a capacity of 3453 for a concert, Swindon Centric has had a secretly taken video by a Swindon Borough Council employee posted anonymously to us. The video shows the outside of the hall, then taken in through the fire exit, the interior appears huge in comparison, as big as an average sized arena, easily accomodating 11,000 people.

We've had the tape independently checked by experts who assure us it's genuine and has not been tampered with. '' It's not possible to do this type of large scale illusion through the use of misdirection and mirrors. Try hiding the Oasis up your sleeve, I have and it's not easy, so I see no way for this to be conventionally explained.'' That quote from Swindon's most famous magician, Jacob Uphissleeve-Roberts.

Rumours have been flying round Swindon of fleeting glimpses of Doctor Who, indeed, one late night reveller will swear he saw a Cyberman waiting for a taxi on Fleming Way last night. Overhearing him getting into the cab, the Cyberman asked to go to Okus Road.

Self-appointed experts say it's possible the TARDIS has been cloaked with a device to disguise it as something more 'Swindon' than a police callbox. The sports hall may be the TARDIS, but you didn't hear that from Swindon Centric.

Swindon Centric Says ; Words on the street is that '' its bigger on the inside than on the outside'' is this week's most popular chat up line on Bridge Street. David Tennant has a lot to answer for.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Will She Stay Or Will She Go? No More Bets Please! I'm Getting Married On The Morning Show!

As we all sadistically enjoy that moment on live TV when a man who thinks he's being romantic proposing to his girlfriend and hoping she'll accept to save face and make him seem brave.

We have our our own version of this happening in Swindon. Yesterday morning, on the Sunshine Swindon Breakfast Show (Swindon Channel 915 on your Freeview and Sky systems) 24 year old Dave McGould proposed to his girlfriend of eighteen months, Cheryl Houghton-Andrews, 20 both of Rodbourne Cheney live at 8.47am local time at the Commercial Road street-side studio.

'' I had been due to appear to talk about the rise in inflation as I work for Nationwide as a market analyst, Cheryl had come down with me to give me a lift out to work after the interview. At the end I just went ahead and asked her live on the air. Luckly for me she said yes and the group of school kids outside who'd been flicking v-signs and blowing on the window cheered and clapped.'' That comment from husband to be Dave who's now being measured for his morning suit in time for a quick July wedding.

With the town reeling from the unexpected result from last Saturday's Grand National, punters across Swindon have been looking for a racing certainty. Filling the void for gamblers have been branches of all the national bookmakers with odds on Cheryl leaving him at the altar falling to 12-1, and her leaving him in the lurch before getting to the church from 36 hours before being the most popular bet at 7-1.

There have been odds calculated at 100-1 of Cheryl appearing on the Sunshine Swindon Breakfast Show to tell Swindon that she's not getting married and the reasons why (including that Dave like's to collect comics and unusual designs of pub placemats).

Rumours that the 100-1 shot odds will be shortened within the next two weeks as Cheryl goes on an Alton Towers weekend with old school friends, including her handsome ex-boyfriend Peter Morgan, have been denied very lightly by the Swindon branch of William Hill.

Swindon Centric Says ; £150 on Cheryl, on the nose!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Con Artists To Move Into Wind Farms As Public Get More Savvy

With the good news that an appeal for additional funds to ensure the survival of the Watchfield Wind Farm project has been met with a huge response in just two days a sinister side to this seemingly good community project is developing. The Swindon Con-Artist Mutal Group or SCAM for short have made it clear they aim to move their vast resources into this type of long-con in the future.

'' As the environment becomes more prominent, so does the opportunity to make money from it, so we shall be moving from stealing people's debit and credit cards to this type of mass business con. It'll be a tough and steep learning curve, but we believe it is a worthwhile effort.'' That comment from Barney ' Bubble Bubble Toil & Trouble' Hubble, local con artist and spokesman for SCAM.

It's unconfirmed tonight that SCAM are aiming to place two turbines on the roof of the David Murray John Tower and are looking for subscribers. Pensioners with more share options than grandchildren are their primary demographic.

Swindon Centric Says ; The Con Is On!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Man Gets Hot Under The Collar With Laundering Charge ; Starts Breathing In Short Pants

If Swindon had a Court TV channel then you can be certain it would be covering gavel-to-gavel the ongoing case of Leo Bloom, 23, a town man who's up before the magistrates for a charge of over laundering 323,000 tons of only slightly dirty laundry.

'' He was always a very clean lad and then once he'd got a job at an insurance company and got on quite well he developed a really hard habit. It started off with him having three clean shirts every week, then built up to one every day and it got to the point where he took them to work so he had one for the morning, lunch, afternoon and another one for the drive home in the evening.'' That comment from Brenda Bloom, Leo's mother of 178 Cleaner Close, Grange Park.

The police only caught up with Mr Bloom after he confessed. The authorities were alerted after a eagle-eyed check-out lady at Asda spotted him buying 37 packs of Daz and 28 bottles of fabric softener, the supermarket chain have a limit of 10 bottles on each range of cleaning product.

The Swindon Blog Says ; This is Mr Bloom's first offence so maybe his clean record will count toward him!

LATE EDITION ; A police spokesman said they hope to scrub out this type of crime in town, ''it's a stain and we want to be whiter than white by an amnesty on overlaundering, so people can make a clean breast of it.'' Further comment was unavailable as the desk officer was busy consulting a thesaurus and was stuck in the loo, trying to find a clean sheet, sorry, page.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week 3

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. How can it be healthy to take easter eggs into kids in hospital over the holidays? Perhaps the chemicals in a creme egg that give it the colour are better than we thought?

2. There's always a huge queue for the 18.

3. She went down to John Lewis in Reading, she buys everything there.

4. I just thought it would be fun to have a barbecue, plus I want to try out those new skewers.

5. I've got to go all the way to London for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, it'll be mind-numbing.

6. Meant to get up to 24 by the weekend, lobster red sunburn here I come!

7. They're going to fit the shelters with those displays that tell you what the time the bus is due.

8. Some guy got on with a twenty pound note, it took ten minutes to give him the change. It was worse because he didn't even get picked up at a stop, he was running.

9. The favourite's down to 8/1, it's got to be a sure thing. I always have a bet on the National.

10. How's it going, is your brother still bald?

Appeal For Missing Cat, What Would T.C do? ; Catch And Ransom on Ebay Of Course!

Much airtime and column inches were given up to a missing cat story in Swindon last week.

Sarah and Marcus Carter, 25 each, of Pretentious Parade, St Andrew's Ridge reported a missing moggie after a week and a half of checking garages, sheds, conservatories and gazebos (compulsory in that part of town) resorted to appealing on the local news for the safe return of Hermione, a one year old cat.

'' She's quite a timid cat and should be approached carefully, or ring us on the number that's been put on the bottom of the screen.'' That comment from Marcus Carter.

The two other cats the Carters own, Harry and Ron are ''inconsolable'' and have been since Hermione vanished taking with her a suitcase of belongings, passport, mobile phone and debit card.

Unconfirmed reports by a feline psychological profiler suggest that Hermione may have become so distraught at having a ridiculous name that she's had a complete mental breakdown and ran off to appear on Monday's Jeremy Kyle show.

The case is being investigated by Officer Dibble.

SwindonCentric Says ; Worse domestic names than that? Let us know. At least the Carter's don't have children can you imagine what they'd have named them. Maybe then they all would have run away, the cats and the children and went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat! Poetry in Swindon, who'd have known!

Shocker ; Blue Party Don't Like Red Party, Plans For Sleepover Cancelled

In the run up to the local elections at the beginning of May and with most of the voters showing less interest than in Celebrity Love Island, the parties have deemed it neccessary for them to stir up some back and forth discussion.

The Tories have shocked no-one by saying that they don't like the Labour party's leaflet that's been distributed in Moredon and Toothill.

It's reported that the leaflet claims the Conservatives plan to sell off large swathes (that word isn't used often enough, ed) of local authority facilities.

Rumours abound that this is the start of a concerted campaign by both sides to raise money pre-election to cover the town in leaflets. It's unconfirmed that the Tories plan to sell off the a-t-i-v-and-s from their party name and rebrand themselves as 'Conserve' to appeal to environmental voters.

Labour have hit back they are toying with the idea of rebranding their party name as 'La Bour' to appeal to all those middle-class voters who plan to retire to a holiday home in the South of France.

Meanwhile the LibDems were taken by surprise as they put the leaflet straight in their recycling box without reading it assuming it was just another takeaway menu for a indian or pizza place opened on Farringdon Road.

SwindonCentric Says ; If this is how hot-under-the-collar they get about leaflets, imagine what will happen when they talk about the issues, there could be a punch up! Keep your camera phone handy!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

To Catch A Thief ; Send In The Kids Mac!

With the Old Town area of Swndon suffering under the cloud of a group of kids and teenagers causing havoc, the reason for the inability to catch those responsible has been put down to the lack of CCTV in the area of Swindon on top of the hill.

Previously most in the town had assumed because the Old Town was the respectable part of Swindon and a '' bit posh '', it didn't suffer too much bother compared to the young upstart that is the New Town at the bottom of Victoria Hill.

Well we can reveal this evening that authorities have come up with a genius solution to all these problems.

After watching Bugsy Malone over the Easter holidays, law-enforcement officials have deemed to employ a small group of under eighteen years-olds to take policing into their own hands for a limited but as yet un-disclosed period.

'' They will not be armed with batons or pepper spray or stun guns, but we will be issuing splurge guns and cap guns to these Special Officers.'' That comment from James McFadgen of the community support arm of Wiltshire Constabulary.

Swindon Centric Says ; We'll be buying the first special officer who catches one of these kids a non-alcoholic burbon at Fat Sam's Speakeasy!

Rumours are circulating this evening that these Special Officers will be issued with cars like those in the film that are pedal powered.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Pillar To Post : The Tabernacle Will Return!

The regeneration of Swindon town centre continues to culminate with the Baptist Tabernacle frontage and portico due to return to the town by June or July.

It's expected a contract to formally purchase the stones which have been sat in a Northamptonshire field for years will be signed very soon. The stones will then be transported back, possibly to the Science Museum at Wroughton.

Once in secure storage, the process of assembley will be the next step. It's been agreed with devlopers of the Granville Street carpark site that the stones and frontage will form the entrance to either a museum of art gallery.

The Granville Street development is due to be open by 2010.

Swindon Centric Says : If the stones are fitted together like an Ikea flat pack set then hopefully someone will remember to bring an Allen key and some of those wooden dowel things.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Beaver Breaks Ground ; Sub-Editors Choke Down The Chocolate

In a break with Easter weekend tradition, the very thin, Bank Holiday Monday edition of the local rag, The Swindon Beaver Herald went out on a limb and published today's front page story as a shocking, gripping hostage situation. In an unwritten gentlemen's agreement, stories are so thin on the ground over the Eater break that paper editors will only publish filler stories.

'' I couldn't believe it when the editor-in-chief rang and told us to run the hostage story on the front page. Usually we have a set of stories we pick out a hat to print on a holiday Monday. We'd prepared one about a runaway Easter chick that held up traffic at Mannington roundabout on Saturday evening. It's a shame really, we'd got a really good picture of a little yellow chick as well.'' That comment from junior cub reporter, Jimmy Olsen of the Swindon Beaver Herald.

Rumours that the same newly born chick is in talks for a future story deal about him stealing a car, robbing a bank and driving the wrong way down the M4 for the May Day Bank Holiday edition of the Beaver have been circulated this evening. The Swindon Beaver Herald has declined to comment.

Swindon Centric Says ; Extra! Extra! Chick and Beaver duo win ITV 1's Grease reality show! Exclusive!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Hospital In Danger Of Collapse

A desperate announcement was made this weekend for the return of crutches to the Great Western Hospital due to a serious shortage.

'' We can't believe how low we are on crutches, we're asking as many former patients to return any which they might have after treatment''. That comment from Doctor Laura Darling of the GWH, who was very low on her pair, barely three foot six inches.

People visiting the GWH will have to be careful of the North wing of the hospital, which is leaning at a dangerous angle and is currently being propped up by the limited number of crutches the hospital still has.

Rumour that the IVF clinic offices are in danger of falling into the maternity ward if a supporting wall and floor gave way were unfounded. Though it was made clear that in the event of any serious trauma caused to desperate couples could be swiftly dealt with as the psychiatric department would the next floor to come smashing through the opposing wall.

The Swindon Centric Blog Says ; It could be worse than the episode of Fawlty Towers with the builders and Carry On Doctor combined! Return those crutches!

Ok, so 'House' walks with a stick but it is a good show!

Friday, April 06, 2007

Who's Eating Fish This Friday? We Know Who You Are!

A survey taken by Swindon Centric this week (due to there being very little news as everyone leaves town for the Easter hols) shows that sixty-seven percent of people in the town say they are Christian and will be celebrating Easter traditionally.

That's it? Oh noooo.

Always suspicious, we did a stealth survey and found that actually only fifteen percent of that sixty-seven percent of people would attend a church service over the Easter period.

'' This shows just how many people may not be Christian at all, more research is needed to determine the religious make-up of our town.'' That comment from David Reilly, from the National Office Of Statistics.

A mean average shows that twenty-seven percent of people of all other religions may be secret closet 'other religion' worshippers.

Indeed its been rumoured that in an average four person household in Swindon, there may up to seventeen practising religions being worshipped, not including domestic pets, visiting relatives and your cable and broadband repairperson.

Swindon Centric Says ; There are detector vans in your area this weekend, we'll find out who you are, Happy Easter!

PS Pass the chocolate bunny!

Atlantis Surfaces In Lawns Lake ; Council Considers New Marine Banding For Council Tax

With most people this Good Friday washing their cars, or trying to keep civil with families visiting for the Easter break, its a surprise this news has reached us and you.

At around 8.45 this morning a man out walking his dog noticed something in the bubbling water of the lake at Lawns. A local geologist was called after people could remember how to spell it for looking up in the phone book and confirms that through a series of tests involving a test tube, bunsen burner and some magnesium thrown in the water for good measure that the land mass filling the lake is actually the lost continent of Atlantis.

Initial reports that the bubbling water was simply a rather dodgy Indian takeaway chucked away by a late night reveller have been dismissed.

While developers come up with plans for flats on the newly found land the Council is musing about a new Council Tax banding for properties based on the brand new part of the Borough. The new bands will be A, B, C, D and A* for the new portion of land.

Unconfirmed news has reached us that the other end of Atlantis has emerged under the recently regenerated lake at Lydiard Park. This could mean a reduction in the lottery funding for the Lydiard regeneration as the money was meant for the lake and not a small pond as it now looks tonight.

The Swindon Centric Blog Says ; What will there be tomorrow, a Bermuda style triangle at the Pinehurst Circle?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 2

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1 . I want to get some jeans, but I don't want to try anything on.

2. The kids are off school next week, I think I'll take a pill and wake up after it's all over.

3 . Its so warm, I saw a bloke wearing shorts yesterday, mad.

4 . If they build these cinemas in town is there gonna be buses so you can actually go into town for a night out?

5 . This is either the ten past running late or the twenty past running early, either way I'm late.

6 . Why when people listen to music on their phone it's always crap RnB?

7 . She had pink lycra hotpants on, it's lucky I wasn't sick.

8 . Every time I see her on the bus she's got a different baby in that buggy.

9 . Oh no, that's Mark, he can't see me, I said I was at a funeral.

10. She was planning her holiday for September. How can you plan that far ahead, I wouldn't want to. I don't know what I'm doing next week, let alone in September.

Fireworks Display Moved Forward, Town Gears Up For Fireworks In Flip-Flops

With the announcement of the annual Lions firework display at the Polo Ground confirmed for 3rd November, another Swindon organised display has got a jump on it's rivals.

The Swindon Fussy Charitarians have decided to hold their Guy Fawkes display on May 5th at Lydiard Park.

'' We've pre-emptively decided to help solve a number of problems by holding our annual display six months early. This will prevent the anti-social noise problem for nearby residents and animals, keep people from having to choose between displays happening on the same night and keep the bonfire small, as it'll be warmer in May so we don't need the fire to be as big as in the winter months later in the year.'' That comment from Sandra Mickey, 47, a full-time Fussy Chariatrian of Lawns.

Rumour that Easter 2008 is to be merged with Christmas 2008 and celebrated for three weeks at the end of December has yet to be confirmed under the new festival name, EastMasTime.

Swindon Centric Says ; It'll be fun playing with sparklers wearing shorts and sandals.

Monday, April 02, 2007

What's All This Shouting, This Is A Local Bar For Local People, We'll Have No Trouble Here!

A scheme to prevent violence, disorder and general naughtiness happening on a Friday and Saturday night in the Bridge Street, Farringdon Road area of the town centre has been unveiled.

A team of social characteristic experts will be placed at the boundaries of the town's nightspots to highlight potential drunks and louts (copyright the Daily Mail), community support officers will then move in and persuade the possible offenders to wear a high-visibility jacket.

'' This will short-cut crime fighting when it comes to the end of the night'', said an unidentified Community Support Officer.

When a fight breaks out and a brick and kebab are thrown through a shop window it'll increase our 'crime identify to suspect arrest rate' considerably.

The Swindon Centric Blog Says ; Just hope the officers appointed aren't colour blind and arrest a Council worker cleaning the bins instead.

There's a claim coming, we can see (even if they can't).

Town Hit By Distraction Burglary Problems Due To Warm Weather

As people begin to enjoy the warm weather, Swindon's latest front in the War On Crime (copyrighted) has opened up this week. The town suffered a twelve percent rise in distraction burglaries this past month.

'' As the temperature rises, combined with the sun coming out on a more consistent basis, these are the perfect conditions for burglars to get distracted.'' That quote from Allison Bridge, spokeswoman for Wiltshire Constabulary.

The pattern of increasing numbers of burglars being caught, distracted by the summery weather, has been a boon for police catching those elusive criminals. Just this lunchtime, four well done criminals were caught napping under a tree in Lydiard Park, carelessly lulled into a relaxed attitude by the warm temperature they were woken by police who found half a dozen bags of swag next to a picnic hamper and portable wind-up radio.

Another group were rounded up feeding the ducks in Queens Park in between picking pockets Faggin style along Regent Street.

By the summer burglars will be easily identified with the sun burn marks left by falling asleep with their black masks on.

The Swindon Centric Blog Says ; The free ride's over Burglar Bill, hand over the swag and no-one gets hurt.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

World Heritage Status For A World First, In Our Town

It seems that the Great Western railway line between Paddington and Bristol has been on a possible shortlist for about ten years, it certainly doesn't have the pace of a Pop Idol semi-finals. Well the decision is, it seems, getting closer as to whether the GWR will be put forward by the UK as the country can only submit one location each year to be considered for World Heritage Status .

Preservation groups express concern that the owners and operators of the line, Network Rail may not lend their support to the scheme. They have yet to comment.

Swindon Centric Says ; Since Network Rail haven't said anything yet, we can't predict their response, but we will say this. English Heritage, National Trust and UNESCO have to recognise that the GWR is pretty unique, it is a continually working railway that's needed by thousands of travellers every day. So when choices have to be made in future to upgrade the line, which is bound to come, they have balance the need to protect heritage with the broad and simple fact that its a working railway and cannot be treated in the same vein as other World Heritage sites.

It is a unique submission for a site and as such demands unique preservation criteria and unique abilities for all parties concerned to compromise, otherwise the line will become a railway backwater, for the sake of heritage.

Bigger Picture Plans For Town Centre Need's Widescreen View

With the great news that there are plans for not one, but two multiscreen cinemas in the town centre regeneration a few people have been expresing concern (what else?) about the ambition of the schemes.

Some have said the chances of the plans becoming reality are slim to none, since past ideas and dreams for Swindon Town Centre have stayed on drawing boards, residents view of hopes being raised has become muddied as they are too quickly dashed. One cinema was always part of the masterplan on the Granville Street car park, now another is planned as part of the Regent Circus rebuilding.

Swindon Centric Says ; Two cinemas is two cinemas more than we have in the centre right now and combined with a rerouted canal and anything being built on all the brownfield-white hoarding covered sites that are currently taking up large chunks of the town, its got to better than leaving things as they are. Too long have we had to put up with a half-finished feeling to the town's central area.

Lets get these things built. Lets get it done at last and don't get hung up on the small things.