Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Don't Let Timothy Dalton Fly Your C130, Lyneham Officials Warned

The RAF's transport plane, the Hercules/Fat Albert/C130, whatever you like to call it turns 40 this week.

We though we'd post the Bond film the plane features in, The Living Daylights.

Swindon Centric Says ; Next time you see one flying low over the town, check a Shakespearean actor or Prince Barin from Flash Gordon isn't hanging out the back of it.

Police Appeal For Return Of Newspaper Headlines

An appeal was launched by Wiltshire Constabulary for the safe return of dozens of local news headlines that seem to have gone missing over previous months and weeks.

" The editor of the Swindon Beaver Herald has told us they've done their best, but the best headlines they can muster in today's edition include 'missing batteries ; are they yours?'. They cite those headlines missing include 'murderer charged', 'huge fraud at town firm' and 'superman ; where are you?'." That comment from PC Dibble, at a press conference held at Gablecross Police Headquarters this morning.

Needless to say, the Swindon Beaver Herald's late editions failed to report this news conference, due to it going missing from a sub-editor's desk. Their front page headline was 'Compost Bin Stolen'.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you call yourself a newspaper and fail to include a lot of news, aren't you breaking some rules?

Monday, July 30, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 15

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . If I was going to murder someone, that's how I'd do it.

9 . Ipods are the new walkmans.

8 . They call it a bowser on BBC 1, a water tank on Sky, shows the difference in quality.

7 . Its probably still in the fridge, growing it's own strain of stem cells.

6 . No, if I get it on here it's still ten pence cheaper.

5 . I'm going to the Mela, there'll be curry I hear.

4 . I've worn it before, but you just have never noticed.

3 . I can see, I can see perfectly thank you.

2 . When they asked if anyone objected I wanted to jump up and shout, but didn't want to upset anybody.

And the top rated overheard phrase uttered on Swindon's buses last week is...

1 . How far away is Tewkesbury anyway?

Overheard something more juicy? Let us know.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Indecision 2007 - Swindon Decides On Pointless Fluff

In our first interactive poll on Swindon Centric we can now reveal the results, unless you've read it in the column to your right, which has been on display for the past few days.

Out of eleven votes,

81% of Swindon though that Thaila Zucchi going on Big Brother was not a news story.

9% of Swindon were unsure.

Swindon Centric Says ; Moves are afoot to remove those 9% who voted unsure of their right to fresh air and water.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Swindon Should Stop Being Ambitious ; Someone Reckons Its Too Much Like Hard Work

Some of those with an interest in the rebuilding work in Swindon Town Centre have said we shouldn't bite of more than we can chew by spending too much time talking about putting the canal back through our centre.

Instead, we should be concentrating on putting plenty of office space in the town centre and prevent anything impeding on that.

Swindon Centric Says ; The Fleming Way Post Office, the former Police Station, The Bus Depot site, how long have these been clear for? Maybe if there had been a rolling programme of building work, the worry about being over ambitious wouldn't figure.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses & Boats Last Week

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses and boats from last week.

10. The story is brutal, but the information's all there.

9. Should the water come through the doors like that?

8. You could gondola this route quicker.

7. Getting your carpets wet doesn't qualify you to talk on local news about knowing what the Blitz Spirit is like.

6. It was a walk on part, but she couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.

5. There's a conspiracy against my conspiracy, how annoying is that?

4. You'll be able to see what time the next bus is expected, people can't read timetables anymore you see.

3. She sounded deeply unimpressed when I said I'd left my job.

2. If I wear my sunglasses at night I look like Ray Charles.

And the number one sentence overheard on Swindon's Bus and Boat Network last week is...

1. Well, look out, the flooding's going to make the price of peas to go up, start panic buying now.

Have you overheard anything more juicy than pea prices on the bus yet this week? Let us know.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Swindon Does Titanic ; A Town Cut Off

The heavy rain may have stopped and some roads have opened, but the rain of yesterday is still causing major disruption.

- First Great Western began service on the core route between Paddington and Bristol, but no service will run between Swindon and Cheltenham until next week. Even though a very basic service has restarted, FGW has told passengers not to travel due to overcrowding with people trying to get home.

- FGW also cannot offer a bus replacement on those flooded routes, due to flooded roads.

- Most of those 'A' roads that closed yesterday have had their tarmac surface washed away. This includes the A420, and Northbound on the A419.

- The Environment Agency has issued a flood warning to Rodbourne, the River Ray is at risk of flooding.

- 25 people were rescued from a caravan park near Cricklade.

- Swindon received a month's rainfall in six hours on Saturday, reported forecaster Richard Angwin on BBC Points West.

- Personnel from RAF Lyneham helped nearby residents who had been flooded.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is the water going down anywhere?

Friday, July 20, 2007

Swindon Does Titanic ; Do We Have Enough Lifeboats?

- Just as many problems are being caused with roads blocked by abandoned cars as with the flood water.

- The industrial estate at Cheney Manor has had people rescued by raft with water at four feet.

- Good News, it has stopped raining in Swindon!

- The Link Centre shut earlier this afternoon and will be closed for the weekend and should open by next week. The flooding may have damaged the swimming pool.

- Swindon Borough Council has set up additional flood line numbers, these are 01793 464973, 01793 464974, 01793 464975, 01793 464976, and 01793 464978. Its unknown if when on hold they play you 'Splish Splash I Was Taking A Bath' down the phone.

Swindon Centric Says ; Last reported, it's not raining men.

Swindon Does Titanic ; Shopping Via Ship-To-Shore

- The Brunel Centre is shut and may not be open tomorrow due to flooding.

- Water is gurgling up through drains all over town with a lot coming up drains in Old Town, which you wouldn't expect with them being on a hill and all that.

- The County Ground is flooded, traffic is being diverted via the Wroughton Park & Ride site, last reported.

- Traffic was gridlocked earlier on in Old Town, taking an hour to get down Kingshill by car.

- Flooding and blocked roads at Cheney Manor, Walcot and Queens Drive.

- Good News; the power was restored to the East side of Swindon following the stream that runs through the Greenbridge Retail Park flooding and flowing into a substation.

- Most taxi firms were not taking bookings, reported about 5pm.

- The River Cole has burst its banks, flooding Merlin Way and Covingham Drive.

- Staff car parks at Honda have been flooded, up to four feet.

Swindon Centric Says ; Anyone for a few run throughs of Ten Green Bottles?

Swindon Does Titanic ; Don't Head For The Hills

A bit more on the heavy rain.

- A landslip on the M4 was reported earlier on.

- There's flooding on the railway between Swindon and Gloucester, at Wootton Bassett, at Box Tunnel, plus between Swindon and Didcot.

- According to BBC Points West, FGW have told passengers for the first time in the company's history not to travel. No services are running to and from Swindon at all, replacement buses cannot be arranged, because of blocked roads.

-Pipers Way is flooded, Commonhead roundabout is under one foot of water, part of the A419 is shut between the South Marston roundabout 15 and the M4 junction 15, last reported under four feet of water.

- Wootton Bassett Road is flooded at the railway bridge and Redposts Drive, with the River Ray at The Running Horse full to the brim.

- Hook Street along Lydiard Park is flooded, with the main event fields at the park looking like lakes.

- The A420 is still shut between Swindon and Oxford at Shrivenham, with queues and people stuck.

- Great Western Way was last reported shut at Bruce Street Bridges, with the roundabouts surrounded by water.

Swindon Centric Says ; Just stay indoors and make a cup of tea, chin up Swindon!!

Swindon Does Titanic ; Late Breaking Edition

Number one, if you're not planning to go out tonight, or this weekend and you live within the Swindon Borough, take it from us...


- Shops in Swindon town centre are flooded and some of the subways in the town centre.

- The Messenger pub at Covingham is flooded, as is the subway nearby.

- Bus services are partially suspended, with one journey reported on the number 18 taking two hours to get as far as the railway bridge at Sparcells, with police and the military dressed personnel blocking the road due to the canal at Moulden Hill breaking its banks.

- As a result of the above, Thamesdown Drive flooded.

- Numerous power cuts around town, including the closing of the cinema at Greenbridge.

Swindon Centric Says ; Did anyone see the iceberg floating down Rodbourne Road?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Town Man's Obsession Makes Pointless Headlines

A 46 year old man from Swindon has made the headlines in the Swindon Beaver Herald after putting a piano in his front garden and dressing like his idol while travelling to and from work.

Tom Dwight, of Rocket Man Avenue, Freshbrook, has been given a double page spread by the local rag after taking his admiration for performer Elton John to the next level.

He began several weeks ago playing a grand pinao, which is in his front garden on Saturday mornings, giving lunchtime concerts every weekend. He followed this up by starting to journey to work dressed as his idol in platform boots and glitter covered trousers and jacket.

Swindon Centric Says ; We hear Stagecoach are evaluating their Heath & Safety policy, as Mr Dwight's replica glasses are too wide for the automatic doors. Watch out for a claim, it's only a matter of time before someone gets whacked by them.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Swindon Town Bought By Halliburton ; Cheney To Build Ranch

In a move to surely shock and horrify Swindon Town fans, the new owners have been revealed.

The American Halliburton Group bought a 95% stake in STFC this morning at 11am.

There are rumours that the County Ground is to be converted into an oil refinery and Iraq US coalition troop supply depot with a planning application being submitted to Swindon Borough Council tomorrow lunchtime.

Swindon Centric Says ; We don't expect Halliburton to put in a bid with central government to buy a stake in the Borough Council until August at the earliest.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 15

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. That's not Beyonce, she catches the number 21.

9. I'm peeling like an overripe banana.

8. Time passes more slowly on this bus, I think it's this rubbish book I'm reading.

7. No he got cream for it, whether he'll use it is an entirely different matter.

6. They're on special offer, so I bought five, don't know how I'll get them home mind.

5. Has there ever been a change to a bus route that any pensioners have ever liked?

4. If you walk in backwards with your head covered in a carrier bag I doubt she'd even see you.

3. No, there's chewing gum on it.

2. How can you eat that at this time of the morning?

And the top rated line overheard this week as voted for by at least a dozen people in the Swindon Centric office is...

1. Since it was fake week, were all those people watching Big Brother just faking being interested by the programme?

Have any ideas? Or think you can do better next week? Let us know what you've heard on the bus by leaving us a comment and your suggestion could make the list!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Zucchi Leaves Reality Show ; Swindon Economy Returns To Normal

Following a frenzy of stupidity over the past three days, Thaila Zucchi has left the Big Brother house.

Those in the Swindon Centric office who watch the programme have said she left because she completed her task. But we have evidence the reason was slightly different.

Swindon Centric's source in the office of one of the movers and shakers in the town can confirm that someone from the business community leaned on someone at Endemol to end Zucchi's involvement as it's having a heavy impact on the town's economy.

Unconfirmed numbers claim the town's economic activity fell by 27%, while the average borough-wide IQ level fell below that of Paris Hilton.

Swindon Centric Says ; Watch something decent!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

No News Season Starts ; Gossip hits Headlines

There's so much news not happening in Swindon that the biggest story according to the Swindon Beaver Herald is a town actress who's appearing in Big Brother.

Thaila Zucchi is to pretend to be an Australian on the Channel 4 reality show.

Swindon Centric Says ; We're sure some other event in the town happened today that was defined by that word, what's it called?


Friday, July 06, 2007

Swindon Scum To Be Cleaned, Except That Family That The Police Are Too Scared Of

A new police chief in town today promised to clean up Swindon's long-term crime. Chief O'Hara, formerly experienced in dealing with hardened criminals and downright nasty villians.

'' Its clear to me that my arrival marks a new chapter in Swindon's law-enforcement, if that's not big headed a thing to say. This town needs cleaning up and I reckon I'm the best man to do it.'' That quote from Chief O'Hara today as he spoke at an introductory press conference at the Gablecross police HQ.

Rumours have been flying round town this evening that when questioned off camera whether it included dealing with the Pimineto family of Gloucester Road, Westlea, who are believed to be responsible for four out of every ten crimes in the town, O'Hara is thought to have blown air out through his teeth and commented that he still wanted to have full free use of his kneecaps.

That'd be a no then.

Swindon Centric Says ; Perhaps we'll ring Batman, O'Hara tends to operate better when him and the Boy Wonder is around.

Holy Hot-Dog Batman!

Attention Grabbing Headline Less Than Perfectly True

Swindon's small, yet most imperfectly formed media outlets were rocked by scandal yesterday after a headline appeared with no basis in fact whatsoever.

The heavy rain experienced in the last week through the town and most of the country gave eager local newspaper editors plenty of fodder to fill otherwise blank pages in midweek editions, one slipped up.

The Swindon Beaver Herald's Lunchtime Edition yesterday ran with 'Worst summer rain in 125 Years Of Living Memory' on it's frontpage. It took 45 minutes after the first copies had hit the news stands before Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsen, manning the switchboard, was flooded with calls (seven at once, or mostly within quick succession) saying no-one in Swindon had lived 125 years.

To the newspaper's credit (we don't give it much, not after it's legally been found guilty of mis-using the name 'newspaper', but we won't take them to court, everyone knows it's not a real paper) the Late Edition Final, sent out at 5pm, printed a small explanation headline, under the main, attention grabbing one, explaining that the 125 was simply used to emphasis the severity of the rain.

Swindon Centric Says ; The rain's been heavy, but it didn't flood, how bad can it be?

Rumours by a sub-editor of the SBH that a man lives in Ferndale Road who's reached the age of 127 by eating nothing but Brazil nuts and drinking weak Earl Grey tea with lemon have been discounted. He is believed to have been asleep through any major storms involving headline grabbing rainfall levels while in his toddler stage.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Wyvern Theatre Blackhole Not Explained, Council Grin Hopefully

A date has been set for the reopening of the Wyvern Theatre, which has been shut since last autumn, of September this year.

The reason for the extended shutdown has been laid at the asbestos which was discovered in the roof, it was then discovered that more was in the building than they thought, meaning the reopening date was pushed even further back.

As has been said on other blogs, removal of asbestos isn't difficult, but can be dangerous, but removal of the insulation material is a big business.

Plus, how did the council not know where and how much asbestos was inside a civic building? Isn't it a legal requirement now to know this and if it can't be removed but is left in situ, that's it's sealed away from being a risk to users?

Swindon Centric Says ; For the Borough Council of a town which has had a cluster of asbestos related illnesses from the railway works, it seems bizzare at best and irresponsible at worst.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 14

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. I leave the parallel parking to my wife.

2 Anybody would think those had exploded, it's all being hyped.

3. What is a 19 year old doing playing with a chemistry set?

4. I forgot how good looking he was.

5. My jeans still smell of smoke from Thursday, that won't happen again, not anymore.

6. Did you see those people queuing up to buy an iphone in New York, perhaps they were giving out personalities with them.

7. Gordon Brown has gone up in my estimation, not sure why, he just seems less standoff-ish.

8. They've already built that huge junction down towards Croft Road, it doesn't go anywhere yet though.

9. I didn't buy any bananas, they were all bruised.

10. Shall we go and get a cup of tea first, I need to wake up first.

Think you can do better for next week? Leave a comment telling us what you've overheard and we'll put it up here next week.