Monday, January 29, 2007

Insurance Claims Spill Over As Canal Plan Is Floated

In a move to show just how sneaky some Swindon residents are, insurance claims for future flooding caused by the Wilts And Berks Canal which is planned to be rebuilt through the town centre have, well, flooded in.

The town centre would have its road system completely redesigned as the water would be returned to Bridge Street and Faringdon Road in a major regeneration move planned.

Despite it being an outlined plan, that hasn't stopped claims rising 137% along the proposed route for future flood damage and smelly carpets due to flooding from the canal.

Rumours that most wealthy Swindon execs have begun to reserve mooring spaces at the planned Fleming Way basin and booking waterside seats at the bistros and restaurants due to be located by the canal side remain unconfirmed tonight.

Swindon Centric Says ; Don't talk wet!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Town's Sandwich Campaign Bites Off More Than It Can Chew

Swindon's attempt to have a famous food dish named after itself have this weekend ended in obese failure.

All places worthy of their town and cities names have a foodstuff named after them, Cheddar Cheese, Melton Mowbray Pork Pies, Buxton Mineral Water, and Harveys Bristol Cream to name far too many.

A working group of business leaders and local politicians have been, err working over the past few weeks to get a new sandwich recipe named after Swindon.

Thought to contain Wiltshire Ham, tomatoes, cucumber, red peppers and locally produced cheese, the sandwich has been touted to knock the socks off the town's sudden love affair with wraps, paninis and the like.

A presentation to the Central Sandwich Decision and Certifiying Board was given a thumbs down by 12 votes, there are 12 board members able to vote so the result is a crushing blow to the town's cuisine culture.

Rumours that the town's branches of Greggs are to break rules and begin selling the sandwich from 9am Monday morning haven't been confirmed this evening but queues at all branches have began to grow rapidly.

Swindon Centric Says ; CRUMBS!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Swindon's Own Fame Academy To Be Built At A Bargain Price

The town's Schools Organisation Committee last night voted to build the Headlands Academy in the town on the site of the current Headlands Secondary School.

Despite huge opposition from councillors, parents and even teachers that this is a huge, untested gamble with Swindon's children's education, the Education Department of the Council have got their way. Of course they need the money to build the thing first.

The price you might ask?

To build a fab new shiny academy?

A mere £35million.

So, the building work will....Hold On One New York Minute!

'A mere £35 million', for an academy? A SCHOOL!

You could build about a dozen decent smaller schools all over town for that much, or rebuild a couple of leisure centres.

Or a light-rail system, a couple of care homes, build a huge civic centre, invest in an arts programme.

But our local authority has decided to build ONE school, ONE!

Well if it is built, it'll probably be the country's most expensive school.

One things for sure, for that price the school dinners won't get moaned at by Jamie Oliver.

For that much they should get four courses and wine, the students that is.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Library Building Starts ; Builders Reminded To Turn Off Mobile Phones

Construction work finally began today on Swindon's brand new Central Library. The site at Regent Circus will be a striking design which will incorporate a glass sided spiral staircase with brickwork in the same style as the adjacent Town Hall.

It has also been assured that construction work will happen without disruption and in keeping with Council Library policy the work will be constantly overseen by a middle-aged officious female librarian wearing half-moon glasses on a chain.

She will also have a small 'quiet' sign in front of her at all times and every twenty minutes go ''shhhh!'' to all the contractors.

Anyone who steps out of line will have their Mum called said a Council spokesman.

Rumours that builders have been issued with slippers remain unconfirmed tonight.

Magic Roundabout To Be On Postcards ; Next Subject Is Brunel's Big Hat

This year's must have Christmas stocking filler and holiday postcard this year is going to be the soon to be published Magic Roundabout postcard which the town is going in a spin for.

It has been said that Swindonians are taking it all in their strides and are pretty damn proud. One man, called Bobby, out in Queens Park walking his dog said '' its swings and roundabouts, we can cope''.

Rumours that the next subject will be the swings from the children playground at Lydiard Park haven't yet been confirmed or indeed denied.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Crime Figures In ; Pants Are Up And Bras Are Down As Police Resources Questioned

Questions are being asked this weekend over the effectiveness of Swindon and Wiltshire's police resources after a saucy disclosure.

Police time is being spent in Purton looking for the owner and story behind the appearence of several bras and knickers littering a street in the sleepy village over the past few months.

The story, which broke this week has seen a dangerous increase in the number of double-entendres used by residents in Swindon and the surrounding area. For public safety sake, we have been asked by Wiltshire Constabulary to publish them here.

- Lets just hope it is a brief investigation!

- Im sure the police have no-thong to worry about.

- its all pants!!!!

- pass them on to Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, they seem to have a shortage of clean knickers!

- Have police officers taken down anyone's particulars?

- I suppose with the thongs, police have very little material to go on?

- I suppose with the bras, officers need to keep abreast of the situation?

In Swindon Centric's opinion, this story needs to be kept clean and there's no point getting your knickers in a knot about it, all it is is knick-knacks.

  • Click here to see Purton's dirty laundry being aired in public
  • Wednesday, January 17, 2007

    Swindon To Merge With Reading ; Signmakers Shares Rise On Announcement

    With the news from the National Archives at Kew that Britain considered a merger with France in the 1950s, a story which we're following tonight has remarkable similarities.

    Senior members of the business community in Swindon say that the local government of Reading and Swindon are agreeing on the small print in the last stages of a deal to merge both towns.

    With both towns losing out in the 'small provincial towns in the south with high employment and hi-tech firms but mediocre town centre' catergory to other hip young places such as Peterborough and Guildford, a merger was deemed the most effective solution.

    '' Legally, both towns don't need to ballot or even consult their citizens. I don't really mind what happens, as I live in Chippenham '' , that comment by Norm Orkin, local-ish regional government constitutional expert.

    Swindon Centric is going to bring you the very latest on this as we get it. Some residents are worried they may be made homeless, their houses being knocked down and moved toward Reading. Others have suggested it could lead to a great big town that has a virtual monopoly on the 'small towns' market, limiting competition.

    Councillor Curtis from Reading South has suggested the new name for the merged town be Reading since there are less letters in Reading than Swindon. It was later pointed out by Councillor White from Swindon West that both towns have the same number of letters and that Curtis was a fool for suggesting such an idea. Councillor White waded further into the naming debate by saying the name should include the same number of vowels and consonants as both names have when you take into account the mean average.

    Although media should remain impartial, Swindon Centric must voice concerns that it fears for its own future, we may even have to change our name. And this domain name wasn't easy to get.

    Since both places have the letters 'i' and 'n', this blog suggests the new name could be 'Nining'

    Nining Centric, hmm, lets see if anyones got that registered. Bet no-one's cybersquatted on that yet.

    Tuesday, January 16, 2007

    Town's Buildings On Quicksand ; Bible Readers Pleased To See A Modern Remake

    Late breaking news tonight about Swindon's much anticipated town centre regeneration by our town's anticipators. Swindon Centric has learned from several high profile builders, with low-profile bum-clevages, that several of town's newest buildings are under threat of collapse.

    Many buildings within the town centre are believed to be at risk due to a layer of quicksand that runs right underneath the heart of the town.

    Local builders and local authority officials are thought to have known of the situation many months ago. Local quote from Martin Guinessman, contractor worker for Lewis-Linskey and Donald, '' I was told to accompany my boss to the site of the former Police Station at Fleming Way last year. We only actually demolished the roof and top floor of the building, after the first day we came in the next morning to find the building had begun to sinck into a hole. We were shocked to lose a bulldozer and my Simpsons lunchbox at the same site.''

    Other buildings which are believed to be at risk of collapse include Plaza 21 at Sanford Street and the refurbished Paramount Building on Princes Street.

    A strawpoll of opinions of Swindon Centric workers found no-one was bothered by the rumour from a rival building contractor that the Borough Council's Executive Offices are at serious risk of being sucked into a seam of quicksand.

    We'd like to know if you are?

    Which buildings would you not mind, containing some of our town's most famous faces, sincking beneath the ground?

    Post some suggestions and we'll see what we can do.

    Monday, January 15, 2007

    Bristol Gets A Run-Away Runway

    With the full reopening of Bristol International Airport last week, the actually cause was far more embarrassing to it's owners than the popularly circulated version.

    The mass media reported the cause was the lack of traction grooves cut into the temporary surface, making planes skate about like a drunk Olympic athlete on braking after landing.

    However a tip-off from a Captain who would only identify himself as B.I Ggles told Swindon Centric that early 7th January Friday morning, after bring in his Sopwith Camel that a 227 foot section of the runway was missing. '' There was just an area of freshly disturbed mud where the concrete and tarmac-topped section should have been, I thought perhaps we'd had the Groundforce team in and they were installing cheaper and nicer looking decking.''

    A hasty repair job ensued, giving Bristol Lullsgate back its 227 feet and safe to operate flights.

    The exact whereabouts of the section of runway remain unknown this hour, but rumours that Heathrow has attached an extra 227 feet to its runway 27R to accomodate the introduction of the new A380 super-jumbo remain hearsay.

    Sunday, January 14, 2007


    Due to circumstances beyond our control, Swindon Centric's main HQ has been unable to publish for the past week owing to a black hole being discovered in the stationary cupboard. Fortunately the black hole only swallowed a half a dozen bottles of tip-ex, four packets of purple post-in notes and several thousand paper clips. A blonde, 24 year old intern was also devoured by the black mass from outer space, though we've been advised to keep that quiet.

    '' We came back into work following the New Year break and by mid-day we all agreed we'd heard noises from the room where the stationary cupboard is. Assuming it was just a drunk sub-editor, we left it for several more days until the blonde intern, Cynthia had been missing for 4 hours after announcing she was going to get a new ruler before any of us looked in the door.'' That comment from Jimmy Olsen, formerly of the Daily Planet photo desk.

    After this dramatic storyline breaking right on our own doorstep, indeed, within reach of the coffee machine, we can promise we will keep you fully informed, fully misinformed.

    Local Victoria Road rumours that a local waste disposal firm was seen throwing household waste and what looked like several former Iraqi ballistic missiles (stamped 'made in UK' on the sides) into our stationary cupboard have remained undenied by our editor-in-a-red-shirt-at-large, in a vein attempt to boost our site traffic.

    Wednesday, January 03, 2007

    Swindon's 'New Year Not Noticed Nutty Day' A Great Big Success

    As people get back into the swing of the 9 to 5 following Monday's New Year celebrations, people working in Swindon service sector did some reveling of their own on Tuesday with the town's New Year Not Noticed Nutty Day 2007 being hailed the best yet.

    The annual event gives those working in shops, supermarkets, newsagents, bakeries, market stalls, public transport and hospital workers the chance to be as outrageous as possible in their daily tasks. Brian Willis, 51, chairman of the Swindon New Year Nutty Day Organising Group summed up the origins of the event, '' while most people have Christmas and New Year off work, those who do the vital jobs that keep our town going have to work over this season, therefore with people going back to work being so tired and cranky they usually don't notice when somethings changed, so we started to dress up and subtley alter the services provided to see if anyone sees anything different on their first day back.''

    Several of the practical jokes played on Swindonians yesterday included Thamesdown and Stagecoach advertising that services number 7, 54 and 16 and 17 would all start and terminate in Cheltenham, First Great Western got in on the act by running several services to London via Birmingham. Most commuters didn't notice. A coffee shop in town swapped milk as an ingredient in its beverages with bucks fizz and nurses at the GWH dressed up as dracula on the maternity ward.

    Ideas are already being tabled for next year's Nutty Day pranks.

    Monday, January 01, 2007

    Terrorists Caused Town's Fog, Bin Laden Spotted In The Express Check-Out Line At Tesco

    The stubborn fog experienced by the whole of Swindon in the week before Christmas was not a mere atmospheric fluke as most innocently minded residents thought.

    Swindon Centric's main office in Swindon was tipped off over Christmas ( a message was left on our answerphone) by an un-named member of the Met Office based in Bristol, we won't reveal his real name, but for the sake of this important story, we will call him Richard Langwin who can be seen Monday's to Friday's, 6.30pm on BBC1's Points West regional news show.

    The low-lying cloud which shrouded Swindon for several days was, it transpires, sponsored by Osama Bin Laden. After being thwarted from causing disruption to air travel by restrictions on taking liquids and charcoal briquettes on board international flights the best he could come up with was dense, low-lying cloud, which may not have directly killed anyone, but certainly put folks in a rum-mood and increased levels of the winter condition, SAD with sunlight blocked from cheering people up.

    Rumours that the US's Air Forces' B-52's, based at RAF Fairford, carpet-bombed a suspected terrorist cave hideout at St Andrew's Ridge on Boxing Day remain unconfirmed tonight.