Thursday, February 22, 2007

Town Hospital Sweet Trolley Wins BAFTA

With Swindon's flagship Great Western Hospital winning another award for good care and treatment, we at the Swindon Centric Blog feel we have to bring your attention to an under-reported win by the facility.

Following a series of heats and the shortlist, this afternoon the hospital's third floor sweet trolley won a BAFTA for best newcomer in a axle-supporting role.

'' This is something we are so proud off and worked hard toward, but didn't really think we could compete with the other candidates on the shortlist. We were very pleased just to get nominated.'' That quote from Alex Flanton, 25, the assistant trolley operator for the GWH's third floor.

Rumours tonight from BAFTA headquarters suggest the judges were especially impressed by the trolley's wide selection of organic white, dark and plain chocolate and fairtrade crisps.

Further rumour that the trolley is in negotiations to move to Los Angeles and 'break' the US market have been strongly denied this evening.

Swindon Centric Says ; Sweets, choc-ices, something on a stick!

Up The Creek : Rowers Enter Record Books For Record Council Fine

Swindon Rowers, Stuart Turnbull and Edward Baylis reached Antigua yesterday after a record unsupported row across the Atlantic.

Not wishing to detract from the huge achievement by the pair from the region, Swindon Centric has to bring some exclusive story to our readers attention.

The 24 foot boat they used to carry-out this historic crossing of the 'pond' is actually a Swindon Borough Council issue row boat which has been missing for several weeks.

The craft, number 17 was noticed missing from the main lake at Coate Water by a employee tying the boats-for-hire up one evening. There was then a report several hours later of two men carrying the boat down Fleming Way but no-one really thought anything of it at the time.

A council spokesman refused to be drawn on how much the fine for non-return of the boat would be but a source in the leisure department did say they were getting quotes for a new dome roof for the Oasis Leisure Centre.

Swindon Centric Says ; Hope you've got a Swindon Card to get a discount on that fine lads!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Councillors Warned Of Public Punishment If Promises Broken

A ballot carried out among five thousand people in Swindon has led to an interesting warning to the town's elected officials.

The result comes after three teenagers in Lyneham were given a public punishment, to scub off the graffiti they'd sprayed on a church in the town.

The resolution passed allows elected councillors to be placed in stocks at five entranceways to the town centre and have rotten soft fruit (fair trade and organic only) pelted at them.

'' I think it's a great idea, I mum was once really annoyed that my brother had forgotten to bring back her dry-cleaned dress for my wedding, my Mum chased him down Queens Drive with a rolling pin, he learned his lesson, this could work too.'' That comment from Zoe Clifford, 28, of Springfield Gardens, Lawns.

Rumours that the council are looking tonight at changing the '50 Promises' into ' 50 Aspirations We'd Like To Do' to prevent punishment by the townfolk has been denied, however no-one's denied that a gallows is being constructed in Fleet Sreet this evening to take care of especially sneaky councillors.

Swindon Centric Says ; Under arm or over arm Mr Mayor?

Public Health Alert Issued As Slow News Day Loses Pace

Swindon is currently suffering a lack of news-able news stories, leading to media outlets in the town attempting to talk-up what little 'news' (if the Trades Descriptions Act can allow them to call it that) they have.

'' This has to be the thin end of the wedge in terms of media content'', said Derek Russet a media analyst for Fluffy News Media Group, based at Rivermead.

Other commentators have gone further and suggested that news stories over the coming week could include ;

- The scandal of late buses.

- Outrage over the rise in the price of Greggs sausage rolls.

and maybe even ;

- Cats stuck up trees.

  • Some news of this type has already started to spread around the town, an example here.

  • Swindon Centric Says ; Light and frothy, just like the top of a cappucino.

    Friday, February 16, 2007

    Terrorist Sweets Next On Axis Of Evil List ; Bush Get's His Gun

    After four envelopes of sherbert lovehearts were received at Zurich's Wootton Bassett office and caused a level three terrorist alert (there was panic buying of bottled water and winegums at the local Co-Op, this was due to a special offer it's thought), terrorists throughout the Borough are thought to be taking notes.

    Namely if you send anthrax or possibly some really cheap and harsh hand cream disguised as sugary, Valentine's Day connected confectionary, you're bound to get found out.

    Rumour that this afternoon a controlled explosion was carried out on a bottle of coke on Mannington Rec have been confirmed as kids putting mentos and coke together to create an explosion twice as big as the Hiroshima bomb.

    Swindon Centric Says ; And We Thought Coke Was Bad For Our Teeth! Blimey!

    Bath Pulls It's Own Swindon Sized Plug ; Town Goes For Cheaper Shower

    With rumour and counter-rumour swirling around the town this weekend that the University Of Bath's Coate Campus and housebuilding plan is clinically dead, the Swindon Centric Blog is cutting through the fog and bringing you the crystal clear facts.

    Enough of the descriptive words and here's what we know.

    Swindon doesn't have enough drinking water to meet the needs of the University of Bath's Bath, we mean to meet Bath University's needs. As a result the University executive voted to put the Swindon Campus plan on hold.

    Essentially the Coate plan is as dead and as dry as a cracked bath tub dumped in an alleyway.

    But we understand this evening that the Borough Council is pushing plans through to build the University Of Warwick's Shower somewhere out near Junction 16.

    Further rumour that construction work has already begun near the Motorola building of Oxford Brookes University's bidet is entirely unconfirmed, Thames Water didn't comment except to say any such facility would require by law a water meter.

    Swindon Centric Says ; University Of Swindon IN BATH! Lets get them back! Who's with us?

    Wednesday, February 07, 2007

    Huge Weather Advice: Look Out For A News Whiteout

    Swindonians are being warned this lunchtime that the town will be in for a deluge of news stories all about the snow which is expected to fall.

    In some areas of town the media reports could lie as much as a 11 inches thick in column inches.

    Those in more vunerable areas, those who have newspaper subscriptions and widescreen TVs are being advised to phone if it gets too much.

    There were unconfirmed reports that a woman in Wroughton had newspapers up to three feet deep in her hallway and had to be rescued by a neighbour, but further investigation revealed the woman had been on holiday for a month and had failed to inform her paperboy to redeliver them to her sister round the corner.

    Swindon Centric Says ; Tomorrow all that snow will be fish and chip paper! Err, yeah, we know what we mean.

    Sunday, February 04, 2007

    Man Bites Dog ; Police Recommend Muzzles For Town's Males

    With the report tonight that a man in the town ''just snapped'' and took a bite out of his chocolate labrador has been met with over-reaction across the borough.

    Mr Anderson Thomas, 34, of Potters Avenue Woodhall was spending Sunday lunchtime washing and waxing his Honda Civic when the barks of his dog, angry that the remote control for the Sky Digital TV had been misplaced, drove him over the edge and down the other side, he leapt forward and took a bite out of his dog, Bobbo, in a ''moment of madness''.

    '' This is a unique case and we don't expect, if you'll excuse the obvious distress to the dog in question, copycat attacks to take place'', that comment from Officer Dibble of Gablecross police headquarters.

    Despite this, there are unconfirmed reports tonight that tomorrow the local health authority will announce voluntary 'men muzzling' and 'men microchipping' in an attempt to keep unruly males under control.

    Swindon Centric Says ; A man's bite is worse than his cholesterol level.

    Saturday, February 03, 2007

    Swindon's Debt Firms Could Go Into The Red As Business Slows

    At least three of Swindon's four money lenders advice companies could be at risk of going under unless more business comes through it's doors in the next few weeks.

    '' Our busy period is usually January, with people heavily in debt after the Christmas debt season. We took on more staff to cope with demand, but trade has been slow, then yesterday was the first day most people have been paid this year and it just got worse.'' That quote from Mary Horne, 35, Manager of Red Line Debt Consolidate based in John Street.

    There was a piece of good news in all this, those financial companies effected say that if they have to layoff staff, they will end up unable to pay their mortgages and be threatened with repossession, thus companies like Red Line will be where ex-employees turn to for help.

    It remained unconfirmed whether Red Line was offering a ' 2 for the price of 1' on personal insolvencies sale today, until business picks up to encourage those usual frugal consumers in town to go mad and max out some cards to get the ball rolling for the town's loan shark and debt recovery industries.

    Swindon Centric Says ; We're gonna need a bigger credit limit!

    Thursday, February 01, 2007

    We Don't Like To Blow Our Own Horn, But, PARRRRRPA!

    As Sherlock Holmes would say, '' just as I suspected'', that's the view being taken by us at Swindon Centric after the town's Borough Council announced it was to be privatising it's backroom staff.

    The pat on our back we've been giving ourselves all afternoon, despite the advice of our chiropractor, was due to us originally reporting this story back in November last year.

    We don't like to say, we told you so, so we won't say it.

    We look forward to launching a self-updating business ticker on the site soon to constantly update you on the Swindon Borough Council PLC's share price as soon as the local authority is floated on the London Stock Exchange.

    Swindon Centric Says; Where's my broker's number?