Christmas Reaches Record Levels ; Town Hall Swamped In Tinsel, Several Dead

Christmas tree safety, Christmas light displays, Christmas travel news, safe Christmas taxi travel, Christmas alcohol safety message, Christmas office party pictures, school Christmas play pictures, Christmas tree pictures, you get the picture.

Real news consisted of ;

1 . The increase in round-the-clock watching of the footage from the town's CCTV cameras.

2 . The reaction to the death of Wootton Bassett teenager Stewart Aitken.

3 . The visit of Lama Rinchen Phuntsok Rinpoche to the town, one of the highest ranking people in the Buddist religion.

Swindon Centric Says ; So there's the actually news separated from the festive tat.

If You Can Find A Non-Christmas Story, Tell Us

Despite Christmas being a week away and the festive season having started sometime in October, there still seems to be plenty of related non-news stories to be run.

We've had the 'less shopping this Christmas' story from the business community, the 'charity related Santa wearing runners story', the 'family encountered mild misfortune and can't afford to spend ten thousand pounds on children this year', so what else is left?

The staff here at Swindon Centric can safely predict within the next week :

1. A family having the exterior of their house decorated with more bulbs than RAF Lyneham's main runway.

2. Reminding all households to recycle their Christmas cards, despite nearly all being in possession of a recycling box, which accept paper and cardboard.

3. A man from Old Town who has personally grown all the food needed for his Christmas dinner organically, accompanied by a photograph of the still alive organically reared turkey in his back garden called Noel.

Swindon Centric Says ; In the remaining week before the usual festive madness on Monday and Tuesday we will try and find as much real news as we can.

We Couldn't Make Up Today's News, Someone Else Already Did

We all know that news can sometimes be rather thin on the ground in Swindon, but if we had to make up a list of headlines of fake news for the town, we needed only look at the front page of the local paper.

As of 10pm Wednesday, the top stories were,

1 . Teenagers handing out mince pies to show people they aren't the roving evil, vandalising hoodies some stupidly think they are.

2 . The top Google search in Swindon is 'police'.

3 . A charity run of 80 santas.

4 . A Spanish school show.

5 . A couple decorating their wheelie bin.

Swindon Centric Says ; With a town of 155,432 and a Borough population of 184,000, we'd hoped to bring you some news, but there just isn't any today.

LATE EDITION

We're working on a story for tomorrow involving a Santa Claus dressed Spanish speaking teenage Community Support Officer handing out mince pies from a brightly painted wheelie bin. More details as we get them.

Town's Turkeys Are Revolting ; People Panic Buy Their Peace-Loving Quorn Alternative

With barely four hours to go before most major stores and supermarkets close for the Christmas holidays, reports are being reported that turkeys everywhere are revolting.

The up-rising was first noticed by a nosey Moredon woman stood in the ten items or less line in Morrisons at Haydon Wick , '' I glanced round at a pallet of discounted biscuit tins next to the freezers when this headless turkey jumped up on the shelf it was on, pushed open the door and ran off toward the bakery to thaw off, passed the canned peas.''

Ms A Podmore, of Jubilee Gardens, didn't report this strange event at the time as her husband was outside in the car and she had to get back for a Desperate Housewives double-bill on More 4.

Fifteen minutes earlier, a gang of twelve turkeys was seen running down Paddington Drive by a startled Stagecoach driver, '' not the sought of thing you expect to see when on time and a half on Christmas Eve,'' he commented.

Unconfirmed sources at the Wiltshire Constabulary said the turkeys were going to Bridgemead Sainsburys to liberate several of their more oppressed comrades at the fresh meat counter.

Residents are being advised to lock their windows, bolt their doors and say their prayers. But make sure any turkeys already in the house are left outside first.

Wrapping Paper Shortage Could Upset Kids Who Already Know What Their Presents Are

In a conspiracy that could have the size and scale of the alleged Diana plot, uncertainty and rumour surround Swindon's supply of wrapping paper for Christmas.

The whole situation came to attention when a fight broke out between two woman in WHSmith in Regent Street battling over a roll of red and green tartan patterned at noon today. As the women were dragged away by police, bystanders report hearing them shout 'that was the last roll and it was MINE!'. Stunned Friday lunchtime shoppers panicked and within 20 minutes selling out of wrapping paper was reported by Woolworths, BHS, Marks And Spencer and Boots.

A spokeswoman for Clinton Cards said they were rationing customers to one roll per transaction. After just 35 minutes the news had reached the Outlet Village and by 5 o'clock Asda Walmart at Haydon Wick had run down to its last pallet.

The Council Officer for Public Safety and Yellow Line painting, Marcus Forster-Smythe, '' We can confirm there is no wrapping paper shortage, if the people who've been buying up large quantities of paper had bought it at the normal rate there'd be plenty to go round.''

Despite the reassurance, queues developed this evening at WHSmith when a rumour flew that a delivery is expected tomorrow morning at 8am. Anyone going to line up is advised to wear warm clothing, shoes and underwear. A kevlar lined vest and shin pads are optional but would be important for your own safety.

We'll keep you updated with this story as it unwraps.

A Non-Driving Passer-By Says He'll Think Twice About Drink Driving After Being Told He'd Have His Name And Picture In The Paper

A man questioned in a vox-pops on Canal Walk about the pre-Christmas anti-drink driving campaign had to feign interest in the story when he was told his picture and name would appear in a local paper.

'' I was asked whether the display of a crashed car that killed it's driver would make me think twice about drink driving especially over the holiday season. When I was about to say to the young lady reporter that actually I don't drive, she told me they'd take my picture and put it in the paper. I quickly said 'yes it's pretty shocking and would make me think again' as I thought about appearing in the local rag. What a treat, my Mum will be so pleased.''

That comment from Martin Partridge, 29, a camel dung dealer from Redhouse, who's on page 4, bottom right hand corner, just underneath the advert for cheap-roll end carpet of the Swindon Beaver Herald.

Rumours, put about by us, that the paper will tomorrow run an exclusive that he's actually a non-driver and that its reporter was duped by a professional confidence trickster have been denied.

Read about something entirely unrelated here

Swindon Shops Annual Christmas Business Downturn Worry 2006

In a shockingly unshocking breaking story, Swindon shops have broken their own record for saying we're not spending enough on brightly coloured tat pre-Christmas for the year.

Beating their own record by six days, several Swindon businesses issued the annual 'we should be making more money at this time before Christmas in worrying downturn in business' press release in an effort to scare people into parting with their cash.

'' Its as much a part of the pre-Christmas time as mince pies, forgetting the wrapping paper and swallowing tinsel. The business community times the issue of the annual business slowdown story very carefully to ensure it annoys as many people as possible'' , said Aaron Moneypenny, Business expert.

The CBWI , Confederation Of Big Winny Industry, hasn't ruled out issuing more pleading stories nearer the end of the following two weeks to get those cash registers ringing.

Major Employer Pretends To Go Bust ; Tries To Get A Farepak Handout

Breaking suddenly this lunchtime, a major Swindon employer, as yet un-named has pretended to have gone into liquidation as a profit boosting effort in the hope of getting a Farepak style handout.

Trying to raise urgently needed revenue so the company could pay for the fatty foods and expensive wine, spirits and beer for it's Christmas party was the sole reason behind this deception an insider for Swindon Centric.

'' Our bosses said in a strategy meeting that the Farepak bailout scheme that the government launched had raised a few millions pounds and our Director Of Marketing saw no reason why a 'pretend' scheme for our firm couldn't work in a similar way. If there's any money left over, it'll be given to the employees who have been most loyal this year, so I'm going to take the family down to Cornwall for the New Year.''

It was unconfirmed this afternoon whether reports of employees posing as charity workers standing on the corner of Regent Street and The Parade collecting money in red buckets was accurate.