Christmas Reaches Record Levels ; Town Hall Swamped In Tinsel, Several Dead

Christmas tree safety, Christmas light displays, Christmas travel news, safe Christmas taxi travel, Christmas alcohol safety message, Christmas office party pictures, school Christmas play pictures, Christmas tree pictures, you get the picture.

Real news consisted of ;

1 . The increase in round-the-clock watching of the footage from the town's CCTV cameras.

2 . The reaction to the death of Wootton Bassett teenager Stewart Aitken.

3 . The visit of Lama Rinchen Phuntsok Rinpoche to the town, one of the highest ranking people in the Buddist religion.

Swindon Centric Says ; So there's the actually news separated from the festive tat.

Do We Need A Scrooge To Sort Out The Recycling?

We promised to try and find news which isn't Christmas related for you. We might have failed in that, but you'll have to be the judge on that.

Since almost all households in Swindon gained a recycling collection along their refuse collection, we'd been led to believe the problems were behind us all.

Never say never in Swindon.

Not all plastic bags, for your plastic bottle collections, have been delivered to all households. Running two weeks late in distribution of the bags, (which is being carried out by a outside contractor) the words of Steve Harcourt, director of environment and health, are hardly urgent or reassuring. He said "They should have finished two weeks ago. Managers are coming to see me soon to see how they will complete the roll out before Christmas."

Since a director wouldn't be expected to work on weekends or around holidays, "soon" translates as tomorrow or Friday as the time left for the anonymous company to get on with it before Christmas.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is it just us, or does the quote from Mr Harcourt make him sound rather like Sergeant Wilson from Dad's Army, "would you mind awfully , just you know, if you wouldn't mind, delivering those bags chaps?"

'Story/Free Advertising' Poses As News, Again! ; Readers Fall Asleep

Either laziness of just poor standards seems to be more common at our town's only daily paper this month. When this story appeared, it had a thin vein of 'human interest' running through, but really wasn't hard 'news'.

So you can imagine our unsurprising reaction to this story in today's edition. Considering both stories are by the same reporter, you have to ask, do they have a connection to the car dealership, or is it just a case of blatant free advertising?

Swindon Centric Says ; If you're going to recycle a story, at least have the decency to make the photo different from the first and, you know have news in it too.

Shoppers Urged To Be Aware Parking Ticket Prices Do Not Include Singing License

Only in Swindon.

A man who was yodelling was asked to leave the Brunel Centre as he was scaring shoppers. If you don't believe us, here's the story.

The gentleman in question is astonished that paying £7.50 to park his car doesn't allow him the right to sing.

We won't go through all the lurid details of this 'story', suffice to just sum up what we learned from it.

1 - Singing in a toilet could lead to worse things.

2 - In future we should demand that shopping centres provide car parking that includes the cost of singing on their property.

3 - Yodelling may help to reduce the risk of high blood pressure, as yodelling is rich in antioxidants.

4 - The Brunel Centre's security staff will assist those shoppers who find singing frightening.

Swindon Centric Says ; If this story wasn't real, we would have to have made it up.

Web Voting Unreality From Swindon's Returning Officer

Swindon's Deputy Returning Officer Alan Winchcombe seems to live in a parallel universe, a bit like in Back To The Future Part 2.

He's been defending the e-voting that took place in Swindon for the local elections in May. Despite one of the town's MP's saying she found the system 'unacceptable', despite the Electoral Commission saying further trials had 'little merit', Mr Winchcombe seems to think the system's fine.

He said the system didn't work in some places but did work in Swindon.

How did it work? Did it work by taking into the early hours of the following morning for the e-votes to be counted, longer than their paper ballot equivalent? Did it work by the equipment being set up in a rush of a few weeks, when it should have taken months of preparation? Did it work by some people thinking they had only the option of voting electronically? Did it work by having inadequete booths, were it could be witnessed several feet away who those on PCs were voting for?

Swindon Centric Says ; But don't expect these questions to be answered by Alan Winchcombe, he's stuck in an alternative 1985, where Swindon 'Hill Valley' is controlled by Biff Tannen and the town hall is a casino hotel.

Don't Let Timothy Dalton Fly Your C130, Lyneham Officials Warned

The RAF's transport plane, the Hercules/Fat Albert/C130, whatever you like to call it turns 40 this week.

We though we'd post the Bond film the plane features in, The Living Daylights.

Swindon Centric Says ; Next time you see one flying low over the town, check a Shakespearean actor or Prince Barin from Flash Gordon isn't hanging out the back of it.

Police Appeal For Return Of Newspaper Headlines

An appeal was launched by Wiltshire Constabulary for the safe return of dozens of local news headlines that seem to have gone missing over previous months and weeks.

" The editor of the Swindon Beaver Herald has told us they've done their best, but the best headlines they can muster in today's edition include 'missing batteries ; are they yours?'. They cite those headlines missing include 'murderer charged', 'huge fraud at town firm' and 'superman ; where are you?'." That comment from PC Dibble, at a press conference held at Gablecross Police Headquarters this morning.

Needless to say, the Swindon Beaver Herald's late editions failed to report this news conference, due to it going missing from a sub-editor's desk. Their front page headline was 'Compost Bin Stolen'.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you call yourself a newspaper and fail to include a lot of news, aren't you breaking some rules?

Swindon Does Titanic ; A Town Cut Off

The heavy rain may have stopped and some roads have opened, but the rain of yesterday is still causing major disruption.

- First Great Western began service on the core route between Paddington and Bristol, but no service will run between Swindon and Cheltenham until next week. Even though a very basic service has restarted, FGW has told passengers not to travel due to overcrowding with people trying to get home.

- FGW also cannot offer a bus replacement on those flooded routes, due to flooded roads.

- Most of those 'A' roads that closed yesterday have had their tarmac surface washed away. This includes the A420, and Northbound on the A419.

- The Environment Agency has issued a flood warning to Rodbourne, the River Ray is at risk of flooding.

- 25 people were rescued from a caravan park near Cricklade.

- Swindon received a month's rainfall in six hours on Saturday, reported forecaster Richard Angwin on BBC Points West.

- Personnel from RAF Lyneham helped nearby residents who had been flooded.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is the water going down anywhere?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 15

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. That's not Beyonce, she catches the number 21.

9. I'm peeling like an overripe banana.

8. Time passes more slowly on this bus, I think it's this rubbish book I'm reading.

7. No he got cream for it, whether he'll use it is an entirely different matter.

6. They're on special offer, so I bought five, don't know how I'll get them home mind.

5. Has there ever been a change to a bus route that any pensioners have ever liked?

4. If you walk in backwards with your head covered in a carrier bag I doubt she'd even see you.

3. No, there's chewing gum on it.

2. How can you eat that at this time of the morning?

And the top rated line overheard this week as voted for by at least a dozen people in the Swindon Centric office is...

1. Since it was fake week, were all those people watching Big Brother just faking being interested by the programme?

Have any ideas? Or think you can do better next week? Let us know what you've heard on the bus by leaving us a comment and your suggestion could make the list!

No News Season Starts ; Gossip hits Headlines

There's so much news not happening in Swindon that the biggest story according to the Swindon Beaver Herald is a town actress who's appearing in Big Brother.

Thaila Zucchi is to pretend to be an Australian on the Channel 4 reality show.

Swindon Centric Says ; We're sure some other event in the town happened today that was defined by that word, what's it called?

NEWS!

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 14

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. I leave the parallel parking to my wife.

2 Anybody would think those had exploded, it's all being hyped.

3. What is a 19 year old doing playing with a chemistry set?

4. I forgot how good looking he was.

5. My jeans still smell of smoke from Thursday, that won't happen again, not anymore.

6. Did you see those people queuing up to buy an iphone in New York, perhaps they were giving out personalities with them.

7. Gordon Brown has gone up in my estimation, not sure why, he just seems less standoff-ish.

8. They've already built that huge junction down towards Croft Road, it doesn't go anywhere yet though.

9. I didn't buy any bananas, they were all bruised.

10. Shall we go and get a cup of tea first, I need to wake up first.

Think you can do better for next week? Leave a comment telling us what you've overheard and we'll put it up here next week.

Man Charged For Not Having Top Button Done Up

In an effort to fill up plenty of blank pages on a slow news day, the Swindon Beaver Herald today covered a man who was fined £14.76 for being seen walking down Commercial Road during business hours on the morning of June 7th without his top shirt button done up.

Police say they are clamping down on open-shirted men in the town's buttoned down business district, at least they say that when the Swindon Beaver Herald has a very slow news day.

Swindon Centric Says ; In our new Predictive News Service we can safely break a story that will lead the headlines tomorrow, the weather, we got our crystal ball out, we really are that good newshounds!

Swindon Breaks Records ; Pensioners Scared Of Long Grass ; Town Comes Top Of Scaredy-Cat Poll

In a shocking and frightening 'story' (by our record breaking timidness), pensioners in Swindon have said they are being held prisoner in their own home.

Not by burglars.

Not by drug dealers.

Not by gangs.

But by grass.

We'll say it again, GRASS.

Grass and not the slightly illegal fun-attached type that you smoke, oh no. The boring, lawn covering kind.

The council have lapsed cutting the grass at pensioners bungalows off Ferndale Road and it's got so long they were all left with no option at all, but to contact the Swindon Beaver Herald to express their outrage.

Swindon Centric Says ; What next, bread that's too hard or water that's too wet? If we were the Daily Mail we would end with 'we're going to hell in a handcart', but we're not, so we won't. We'll just say....GET A GRIP!

Council Launches Big Garden Shed-Sized Recycling Box To Store All Little Recycling Boxes Inside

In a welcome, though slightly bizzare move, Swindon Borough Council has said it will distribute a large, garden shed sized recycling box to store all wheelie bins and recycling containers inside.

Many residents have expressed concern at the space to store all refuse containers when the Borough has town-wide recycling services in July.

'' We voted to provide all residents with a big box, essentially, to store all the other boxes they'll need inside.'' That comment from Chief Recycling Officer, Martin Matryoshka of Swindon Borough Council.

Rumours that to blend in, residents can specify a original 'big' black box, or a newer, orange coloured one to match their proper size containers hasn't been confirmed, though some DIY stores are researching providing garden sheds disguised as huge, walk-in recycling boxes.

The Council refused to be drawn further, but did confirm that the super-sized boxes would be weighed down to keep them blowing down the street in windy weather with bricks and rockery stones on the lids (roofs). They did hint they would be of flatpack construction.

Swindon Centric Says ; If it only costs a fiver to buy these additional big-sized storage boxes, then people could buy half a dozen and convert them to houses!

Ferret Found In Town Garden ; Becomes Media Darling Due To Lazy Reporter

Commotion and non-reasoned celebrity worship hit central Swindon this lunchtime after a ferret was found in the back garden of Swindon Beaver Herald cub-reporter Jimmy Olsen.

'' I'd been at home with some really bad back ache over the weekend and as today was a slow news day, my editor, Mr J J Jameson told me to take today off as well. It was only while I was making some toast that I looked out the kitchen window and noticed a ferret looking into my wheelie bin. I grabbed my camera and snapped a few pictures, then rang my editor. What a scoop.'' That comment from Mr Olsen, of Goddard Avenue.

Ferrets are rare in Swindon, indeed most are upper class and only frequent the top end of Okus Road at Angel Ridge, it's rare according to local experts to find one this far East at this stage of the summer.

This particular ferret is named Celia and is reported to have been separating Mr Olsen's refuse into his recycling box.

Rumours that Celia is due to appear in a feature in the Swindon Beaver Herald with a tie in to the Sunshine Swindon Breakfast Show (Swindon Channel 915 on your Freeview and Sky systems) about minimising your household waste has been denied by Celia's agent, Mimi Crocker, of Crocker's Power Agents.

Swindon Centric Says ; Celia should get a book deal and some awful reality/lifestyle series on Channel 4 or BBC 2 with a pun in the title, Mary Queen Of Shops, who cares?!

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 10

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1 . She saw a rat, I swear she was about to turn into one of those zombies in 28 Days Later, screaming.

2 . He keeps going on and on about the extension getting built ; any minute now he's going to be referring to it as The East Wing.

3 . Oh a concrete breeze block fell on his arm and back, he's fine, it bounced off.

4 . Their Cornish pasties should be made illegal, they are too gorgeous.

5 . Since the Big Brother started, people seem to have forgotten about Iraq.

6 . They're planning to move the Post Office into WHSmiths, maybe we'll get clubcard points on buying stamps.

7 . She said he's not a liar, he says he economical with the truth, I say he's an arse.

8 . No, I've ran out of credit.

9 . He owes me £30, he said he'd pay me in kind, arrrgghhh!

10 . I'll get off at your stop, I don't trust you to get there yourself.

Any snippets for next week? Send us a message!

Taxi Regular Takes Out Account ; Might Last 9 Months

With Swindon's taxis being a current topic of conversation, a story that's been overlooked has landed on our 'stories to publish when we're desperate for a story' desk. Lucky for us.

Stephanie Greenslade, 36, of Priory Vale has given birth on the way to the GWH maternity ward. The newsability of this story is that this is the second time Mrs Greenslade has done this in 18 months. Her daughter, Mary-Jane was born in the back of an AC Taxis modeo going over the top of Victoria Road on a heavy traffic Friday night.

'' I thought I would have made it this time.'' Said mother-of-two, Stephanie.

Swindon Centric ; She's either got to ring the taxi sooner, or get a regular driver who doesn't mind breaking the speed limit.

Swindon's Students Mistaken For Works Of Art ; Auctioneer Gets Valuation

A school party visiting Swindon's Old Town Art Gallery caused a small stir in the art world this lunchtime by being mistaken for works of art by several visiting critics at the gallery.

'' We had sat down to have our lunch out in the foyer, siting under a Picasso, when our form teacher went off to get a cup of tea, some of the lads started posing when a guide was bringing round a group of arty type critics and it all kicked off.'' That quote from Sarah Sampson, of East Swindon Comprehensive, 16 of form 11Z.

Some of the returning teachers thought the crowd gathered in the room were looking at a new piece on display.

Swindon's gallery has one of the largest stocks of public art held by a Council, much of which is stored, with display space limited. Rumours a pensioner visiting overheard a gallery attendant telling our reporter this got the wrong end of the stick and assumed that meant serveral schoolchildren were being shackled in the gallery's cellar, never seing the light of day have been strongly denied.

Swindon Centric Says ; We've learned those kids come up for auction as pieces of modern art at an auction house in town at the end of next week. One critic was overheard that they thought the 'kids having lunch' piece worked on ''so many levels'', he may have been talking about the lift at the gallery, we've been unable to determine.

Swindon Safest Place In The Country To Film Midsomer Murders

A study released of the best and worst locations to film primetime, cosy murder-dramas for UK TV shows Swindon tops one of the lists.

'' This shows where the best and worst places are located throughout the country for shooting locations for varying types of drama, comedies, and murder mystery programmes. For example, one of the least safe locations is Nottingham, that's where ITV is looking to film a new pilot vehicle for Ross Kemp in a spin-off, Ultimate Force ; In The City, the plot is rumoured to be pensioners taken hostage on a double decker.'' That comment from Tim Russefort of the Swindon TV critic magazine, The TV Sniper. New edition on news stands now.

Rumour that the town will become the shooting location for a double-bill Christmas special of Midsomer Murders hasn't been confirmed, though the keeper of Lydiard House has been asked to not act too surprised when the fake body is delivered by courier on Friday, for shooting (in more ways than one) to start on Sunday afternoon.

Swindon Centric Says ; They'll have to digitally remove the roundabouts and Thamesdown buses for the new episodes though.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 9

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. The River Ray flooded, no-one saw though, it was at the weekend.

2. He refuses to go to the Outlet, he used to work in A-Shop, he says it's too painful.

3. Anyone would think no-one had had a car before.

4. She does the overtime, she doesn't like being at home with her future husband, troubles-a-brewing.

5. You like?

6. Its the reinvention of the pork pie.

7. His blood pressure limits what he can get up to, unless I surprise him when he comes home from work, but then he might have a heart attack.

8. I bought some new shoes, like I'm going to wear them.

9. I didn't even know it was a bank holiday, that's how shift work makes you forget the day of the week.

10. I would stick his head in the oven, but it's electric, I can't win.