Swindon Does Titanic ; Late Breaking Edition

Number one, if you're not planning to go out tonight, or this weekend and you live within the Swindon Borough, take it from us...

DON'T GO OUT

- Shops in Swindon town centre are flooded and some of the subways in the town centre.

- The Messenger pub at Covingham is flooded, as is the subway nearby.

- Bus services are partially suspended, with one journey reported on the number 18 taking two hours to get as far as the railway bridge at Sparcells, with police and the military dressed personnel blocking the road due to the canal at Moulden Hill breaking its banks.

- As a result of the above, Thamesdown Drive flooded.

- Numerous power cuts around town, including the closing of the cinema at Greenbridge.

Swindon Centric Says ; Did anyone see the iceberg floating down Rodbourne Road?

Wyvern Theatre Blackhole Not Explained, Council Grin Hopefully

A date has been set for the reopening of the Wyvern Theatre, which has been shut since last autumn, of September this year.

The reason for the extended shutdown has been laid at the asbestos which was discovered in the roof, it was then discovered that more was in the building than they thought, meaning the reopening date was pushed even further back.

As has been said on other blogs, removal of asbestos isn't difficult, but can be dangerous, but removal of the insulation material is a big business.

Plus, how did the council not know where and how much asbestos was inside a civic building? Isn't it a legal requirement now to know this and if it can't be removed but is left in situ, that's it's sealed away from being a risk to users?

Swindon Centric Says ; For the Borough Council of a town which has had a cluster of asbestos related illnesses from the railway works, it seems bizzare at best and irresponsible at worst.

Please Have Your PE Kit And Passport Ready

In a landmark move today, a Swindon school has become the first in the UK to not only install heavy duty, ten foot high fencing, but also passport control on the main gate.

'' We believe this is the only way to ensure that terrorists can't gain access to our school'' , that comment from Headteacher Alexandra York of Jennings Way Secondary School, Ash Brake this lunchtime.

Unconfirmed reports by students at the school suggest that there is an underclass of students who gain illegal access to the school by means of a sty at the back of the main field, where no border checks are made. These 'students' as they like to call themselves have the benefit of all the facilities that the legitimate pupils do, but without the humiliation of passport regulations.

Further rumours that the school's governing body is in talks with the highly effective US Department Of Homeland Security to negotiate a contract to franchise out the border control process for pupils and staff at the school has remained unconfirmed.

Reports that the headteacher had been caught up with the sense of fun in the innocent classic Ealing film Passport To Pimlico are being downplayed by the local branch of Blockbuster.

Swindon Centric Says ; Welcome To Swindon, Don't Out Stay Your Visa!

Traffic Disruption - Hellmouth Opens ; Follow 'Diversion' Signs

A sixty foot long, four foot wide hole has opened up this afternoon across the intersection on the Kemble Drive side of Bruce Street Bridges, the hole isn't due to simple subsidence, no dear residents.

Swindon Centric can reveal today the hole isn't simply causing traffic disruption to people heading into town and to the outlet village, the whole hole is actually, local hole experts conclude, the Swindon gateway to hell.

'' Every couple of decades, somewhere in the UK, a hellmouth or gateway opens up and allows access to the devil's playground. How convenient it happens to have opened up smack bang on our doorstep''. That comment from Derek Johnson, 54, local hole and hell expert said from his house in Toothill.

Rumour that the hole swallowed up a double decker working the route number 10 has been denied by Thamesdown Transport, all their buses are accounted for.

Swindon Centric Says ; We're On A Highway To Hell ; 30mph Limit Strictly Enforced!

Bath Uni Plans Thrown Out By Swindon's Yellow Ducky

In a shocking and dare we say unique move, the attempt by the University Of Bath (which Swindon Centric reported earlier last month) has been officially rejected. The Bath University did have a plan with housebuilders for a Swindon Campus at the Coate Water site, but they hadn't considered Swindon's duck population.

A sit in protest was staged by the residents of the Coate Water Country Park lakes. Their forces were strengthened by allied troops of Swans and even Canadian Geese (currently on holiday) who joined the 24 hour operation which certainly sealed the fate of the Uni plan for the town.

The developers say they are 'bullish' on the opportunity to construct a campus with another education organisation.

Protesters say that the Coate area is an 'all duck' community and that the introduction of any bulls, of any kind, could upset the social balance of the area.

Joint duck and police patrols were walking and waddling the streets of Coate last night in an attempt to keep the peace.

The Swindon Centric Blog Says : If we don't fight them in the Bath, then we'll have to fight them in the shower!

Councillors Warned Of Public Punishment If Promises Broken

A ballot carried out among five thousand people in Swindon has led to an interesting warning to the town's elected officials.

The result comes after three teenagers in Lyneham were given a public punishment, to scub off the graffiti they'd sprayed on a church in the town.

The resolution passed allows elected councillors to be placed in stocks at five entranceways to the town centre and have rotten soft fruit (fair trade and organic only) pelted at them.

'' I think it's a great idea, I mum was once really annoyed that my brother had forgotten to bring back her dry-cleaned dress for my wedding, my Mum chased him down Queens Drive with a rolling pin, he learned his lesson, this could work too.'' That comment from Zoe Clifford, 28, of Springfield Gardens, Lawns.

Rumours that the council are looking tonight at changing the '50 Promises' into ' 50 Aspirations We'd Like To Do' to prevent punishment by the townfolk has been denied, however no-one's denied that a gallows is being constructed in Fleet Sreet this evening to take care of especially sneaky councillors.

Swindon Centric Says ; Under arm or over arm Mr Mayor?