We Can't Tell You, But We'll Stick Everything But 'It' On The Front Page

The trial concerning the horrific hammer attack at Ridgeway School has come to an end. And the Advertiser is narked that it can't report the verdict.

A gagging order has been placed on reporting the verdict to prevent prejudice of a second trial expected to begin soon. Seems fair enough, but the local paper seems to disagree. To vent their displeasure, they've placed the reason they can't report it, right on the front page.

Swindon Centric Says ; Here's a chance to fill the paper with insightful, detailed, analytical stories from that seldom used department 'investigative reporting'. Anyone at the Advertiser remember what that is?

Town Man Worried About ID Theft Has Name & Picture Printed In Paper

A man who's worried about identity theft from a financial firm he had dealings with has made sure no-one finds out more about him than is needed.

He's had his name, picture and name of the company published in the local newspaper.

Swindon Centric Says ; But, since we all know how bad their spelling is, they've probably got his name wrong, so he might be alright!

Flats On The Hill ; Locals Throw Up Several Floors Of Opposition

With the results of our latest-ish user interactive interface, Swindon Centric can give the council and developers thousands of pounds worth of free polling.

66% of those polled said Old Town needs more flats like a hole in the head.

33% said the top of town does need more flats. We can't help think those people are those who want to make a fast buck by buying property up and leasing it to line their pockets.

Curiously, nobody answered 'no'.

Swindon Centric Says ; More scientific than a doppler radar, cheaper than a cornish pastie ; the Swindon Centric User Interface!

Golfers Tee-ed Off For Doing The Right Thing

A man who stole more than £6,000 from a golf society has been forgiven by his fellow members.

And in a suitable Swindon Reality twist to the story, the men who told the police about him have been blacklegged by the society. He got into financial difficulties and took the money to cover himself.

Love and understanding does seem selective in this story, as most members of the society have forgiven the man in question, however they cannot understand the opinion of those members who oppose the kindness shown to him, since he stole from them.

One quote sums up the bizzare details of all this in one, from Mr Humphries, speaking about the man under police investigation, " This has affected his life in a big way. His social life isn't what it used to be."

Swindon Centric Says ; We don't think our social life would be what it used to be if we didn't have £6,000 in our back pocket.

Web Voting Unreality From Swindon's Returning Officer

Swindon's Deputy Returning Officer Alan Winchcombe seems to live in a parallel universe, a bit like in Back To The Future Part 2.

He's been defending the e-voting that took place in Swindon for the local elections in May. Despite one of the town's MP's saying she found the system 'unacceptable', despite the Electoral Commission saying further trials had 'little merit', Mr Winchcombe seems to think the system's fine.

He said the system didn't work in some places but did work in Swindon.

How did it work? Did it work by taking into the early hours of the following morning for the e-votes to be counted, longer than their paper ballot equivalent? Did it work by the equipment being set up in a rush of a few weeks, when it should have taken months of preparation? Did it work by some people thinking they had only the option of voting electronically? Did it work by having inadequete booths, were it could be witnessed several feet away who those on PCs were voting for?

Swindon Centric Says ; But don't expect these questions to be answered by Alan Winchcombe, he's stuck in an alternative 1985, where Swindon 'Hill Valley' is controlled by Biff Tannen and the town hall is a casino hotel.

Swindon Needs A New Girl Friday ; Our Appeal

Anyone out there with a few million pounds spare?

Bored of bland news in small provincial towns?

Banish that dusty problem cash and column inch misery by investing in a second Swindon daily newspaper!

Today the Swindon Centric Blog launches a campaign (it'll probably just last a week) to get someone, anyone to give the town competition in the form of a second daily town-wide newspaper.

Competition can only lead to better reporting, varied content and quality writing.

Swindon Centric Says ; Does Perry White need a change of scene?

Don't Let Timothy Dalton Fly Your C130, Lyneham Officials Warned

The RAF's transport plane, the Hercules/Fat Albert/C130, whatever you like to call it turns 40 this week.

We though we'd post the Bond film the plane features in, The Living Daylights.

Swindon Centric Says ; Next time you see one flying low over the town, check a Shakespearean actor or Prince Barin from Flash Gordon isn't hanging out the back of it.

Police Appeal For Return Of Newspaper Headlines

An appeal was launched by Wiltshire Constabulary for the safe return of dozens of local news headlines that seem to have gone missing over previous months and weeks.

" The editor of the Swindon Beaver Herald has told us they've done their best, but the best headlines they can muster in today's edition include 'missing batteries ; are they yours?'. They cite those headlines missing include 'murderer charged', 'huge fraud at town firm' and 'superman ; where are you?'." That comment from PC Dibble, at a press conference held at Gablecross Police Headquarters this morning.

Needless to say, the Swindon Beaver Herald's late editions failed to report this news conference, due to it going missing from a sub-editor's desk. Their front page headline was 'Compost Bin Stolen'.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you call yourself a newspaper and fail to include a lot of news, aren't you breaking some rules?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 15

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . If I was going to murder someone, that's how I'd do it.

9 . Ipods are the new walkmans.

8 . They call it a bowser on BBC 1, a water tank on Sky, shows the difference in quality.

7 . Its probably still in the fridge, growing it's own strain of stem cells.

6 . No, if I get it on here it's still ten pence cheaper.

5 . I'm going to the Mela, there'll be curry I hear.

4 . I've worn it before, but you just have never noticed.

3 . I can see, I can see perfectly thank you.

2 . When they asked if anyone objected I wanted to jump up and shout, but didn't want to upset anybody.

And the top rated overheard phrase uttered on Swindon's buses last week is...

1 . How far away is Tewkesbury anyway?

Overheard something more juicy? Let us know.

Indecision 2007 - Swindon Decides On Pointless Fluff

In our first interactive poll on Swindon Centric we can now reveal the results, unless you've read it in the column to your right, which has been on display for the past few days.

Out of eleven votes,

81% of Swindon though that Thaila Zucchi going on Big Brother was not a news story.

9% of Swindon were unsure.

Swindon Centric Says ; Moves are afoot to remove those 9% who voted unsure of their right to fresh air and water.

Swindon Does Titanic ; Late Breaking Edition

Number one, if you're not planning to go out tonight, or this weekend and you live within the Swindon Borough, take it from us...

DON'T GO OUT

- Shops in Swindon town centre are flooded and some of the subways in the town centre.

- The Messenger pub at Covingham is flooded, as is the subway nearby.

- Bus services are partially suspended, with one journey reported on the number 18 taking two hours to get as far as the railway bridge at Sparcells, with police and the military dressed personnel blocking the road due to the canal at Moulden Hill breaking its banks.

- As a result of the above, Thamesdown Drive flooded.

- Numerous power cuts around town, including the closing of the cinema at Greenbridge.

Swindon Centric Says ; Did anyone see the iceberg floating down Rodbourne Road?

Town Man's Obsession Makes Pointless Headlines

A 46 year old man from Swindon has made the headlines in the Swindon Beaver Herald after putting a piano in his front garden and dressing like his idol while travelling to and from work.

Tom Dwight, of Rocket Man Avenue, Freshbrook, has been given a double page spread by the local rag after taking his admiration for performer Elton John to the next level.

He began several weeks ago playing a grand pinao, which is in his front garden on Saturday mornings, giving lunchtime concerts every weekend. He followed this up by starting to journey to work dressed as his idol in platform boots and glitter covered trousers and jacket.

Swindon Centric Says ; We hear Stagecoach are evaluating their Heath & Safety policy, as Mr Dwight's replica glasses are too wide for the automatic doors. Watch out for a claim, it's only a matter of time before someone gets whacked by them.

Swindon Scum To Be Cleaned, Except That Family That The Police Are Too Scared Of

A new police chief in town today promised to clean up Swindon's long-term crime. Chief O'Hara, formerly experienced in dealing with hardened criminals and downright nasty villians.

'' Its clear to me that my arrival marks a new chapter in Swindon's law-enforcement, if that's not big headed a thing to say. This town needs cleaning up and I reckon I'm the best man to do it.'' That quote from Chief O'Hara today as he spoke at an introductory press conference at the Gablecross police HQ.

Rumours have been flying round town this evening that when questioned off camera whether it included dealing with the Pimineto family of Gloucester Road, Westlea, who are believed to be responsible for four out of every ten crimes in the town, O'Hara is thought to have blown air out through his teeth and commented that he still wanted to have full free use of his kneecaps.

That'd be a no then.

Swindon Centric Says ; Perhaps we'll ring Batman, O'Hara tends to operate better when him and the Boy Wonder is around.

Holy Hot-Dog Batman!

Attention Grabbing Headline Less Than Perfectly True

Swindon's small, yet most imperfectly formed media outlets were rocked by scandal yesterday after a headline appeared with no basis in fact whatsoever.

The heavy rain experienced in the last week through the town and most of the country gave eager local newspaper editors plenty of fodder to fill otherwise blank pages in midweek editions, one slipped up.

The Swindon Beaver Herald's Lunchtime Edition yesterday ran with 'Worst summer rain in 125 Years Of Living Memory' on it's frontpage. It took 45 minutes after the first copies had hit the news stands before Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsen, manning the switchboard, was flooded with calls (seven at once, or mostly within quick succession) saying no-one in Swindon had lived 125 years.

To the newspaper's credit (we don't give it much, not after it's legally been found guilty of mis-using the name 'newspaper', but we won't take them to court, everyone knows it's not a real paper) the Late Edition Final, sent out at 5pm, printed a small explanation headline, under the main, attention grabbing one, explaining that the 125 was simply used to emphasis the severity of the rain.

Swindon Centric Says ; The rain's been heavy, but it didn't flood, how bad can it be?

Rumours by a sub-editor of the SBH that a man lives in Ferndale Road who's reached the age of 127 by eating nothing but Brazil nuts and drinking weak Earl Grey tea with lemon have been discounted. He is believed to have been asleep through any major storms involving headline grabbing rainfall levels while in his toddler stage.

Council Spins A Crunchy Crisps Non Story

In a move that shows, despite the standing down of Tony Blair, that at a national level spin in government announcements may be taking a backseat, at a local level, Swindon Council are leading the way at dominating the headlines by controlling the local media.

Taking up several pages in today's Swindon Beaver Herald, the number of crisps sold at Council operated cafes has been talked up by special media advisors to the point that anyone would imagine it was like the top ten rich people or back pre-internet downloads when people got excited about the Sunday top forty chart countdown.

For the record, Swindon's favourite flavour is Smoky Robinson and the Miracles Bacon and the Taw Hill area has the most upmarket crisp taste, 76% of crisp eating residents in that district prefer those posh ones that cost an extra 60p per packet, all for the added luxury of being sprinkled with sea salt.

Swindon Centric Says ; A half-baked crispy story, that really just isn't a story. Not 'Alf!

Dangerous Rise In Number Of Residents Talking Rubbish On Tennis

Swindon has seen a 157% rise in the number of residents talking like they know what they mean about tennis, as Wimbledon began this week.

Shaun Snooper, 34, of the Swindon Eager Listeners Association said, " we have our extensive snoopers around town, many of whom are pensioners who pretend to be deaf, but actually have keener ears than bats. So my advice, if you're going to talk about the tennis for the next two weeks, please do some reading up about the techniques of the many players at Wimbledon, so you sound like you know what you're talking about.''

Swindon Centric understands police are now giving fixed penalty notices for anyone seen standing in a queue at Greggs between the hours of noon and 2pm who talks loudly about tennis.

Swindon Centric Says ; New balls!

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 13

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. Have I met your mother?

2. Look at that rain, thought we were in Boscastle for a minute.

3. She's always shopping, her husband's always doing overtime, but I don't think it's enough to cover it.

4. Don't touch it, you'll just make it worse.

5. Do you go to town?

6. If she hasn't had a breakdown by the end of the summer, it'll be because she's started drinking more heavily.

7. Longest day of the year today, it's all downhill from here.

8. The kids who go to Glastonbury don't care about the music, it's all posh people from Cheltenham.

9. She chased him down Newcastle Street with a packet of super noodles.

10. She takes so many pills, she must rattle when she walks to the shops.

Any suggestions for next week? Please let us know!

Local Schoolkid Achieves Slightly Above Average Task On His Own

A seven year old from the Rodbourne Road area of Swindon has made local press and even national TV (it was Channel 5, we think that counts), after he was able to polish his own school shoes without adult assistance.

'' This is a tremendous achievement, Swindon we believe provides the perfect environmental factors for nurturing children to know the ins and outs of shoe polishing on their own.'' That comment from Sarah McFooe of the local children's charity, Cotton Wool Kids.

Its expected that little Jimmy, 7 years of age from Rodbourne Road, will be competing at an inter-regional level for South-West/South champion for shoe polishing at an under 11 event.

An unnamed family source is reported to have said this lunchtime, ''we believe he can do it, but he'll have to buff up his ideas first.''

Swindon Centric Says ; What next, children able to go out on their own, back to being chimney sweeps, digging coal out for us in unsafe pits? It could be cheaper than employing immigrants to do it, they could have competition.

Swindon Breaks Records ; Pensioners Scared Of Long Grass ; Town Comes Top Of Scaredy-Cat Poll

In a shocking and frightening 'story' (by our record breaking timidness), pensioners in Swindon have said they are being held prisoner in their own home.

Not by burglars.

Not by drug dealers.

Not by gangs.

But by grass.

We'll say it again, GRASS.

Grass and not the slightly illegal fun-attached type that you smoke, oh no. The boring, lawn covering kind.

The council have lapsed cutting the grass at pensioners bungalows off Ferndale Road and it's got so long they were all left with no option at all, but to contact the Swindon Beaver Herald to express their outrage.

Swindon Centric Says ; What next, bread that's too hard or water that's too wet? If we were the Daily Mail we would end with 'we're going to hell in a handcart', but we're not, so we won't. We'll just say....GET A GRIP!