No 'News' In Today's Papers, Residents Not At All Surprised.

The remote possibility that a pub may be haunted, backed up by some 'evidence' in the form of dubious camera phone footage, has taken the place of any real news today.

No-one is particularly surprised. But what is inexcusable is the lack of coverage of those stories that really matter to the town as proper local news. As Komadori rightly pointed out, the Council is to discuss tonight the proposed replacement to the Tented Market at the corner of Commercial Road and Farnsby Street. The replacement is another faceless, 'could be anywhere' set of retail units. When did the word 'building' get replaced by the sterile, uninspiring word 'unit' in planning parlance?

Lets hope planning officers take on board the definition 'landmark' and tell the designers to try harder. Same for the town's news coverage. Start by looking up the word 'news'.

Swindon Centric Says ; If the proposed design is approved then the impact of residents sense on that area will be unchanged. Its sure to be the case that people will give directions to drivers as "where the tented market used to be". What stands out about the 'units' design?

Write in and tell us and you could win a free copy of artist's impressions.

Convicted Fraudester Gets Free Advert By Local Paper

We won't comment further, except to apologise for the subtitles on the video, here it is.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is it in your stocking for Christmas? We'd rather read the back of a packet of Strepsils

CID Re-examining Town Murders & Rapes

A Major Investigation Team are looking at previously unsolved crimes in Swindon. But authorities are not confirming a connection with convicted murderer Ulrich Muenstermann, who hid from German authorities in Swindon in the early 1990s.

Muenstermann was arrested in 1993, at his house in the town. He had been a suspect, linked by DNA, in the killing of Karen Oehme in Dulmen, Germany. A French magistrate appealed for information from Swindon residents about him in connection with the 1989 killing of Sylvie Baton.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you have any information, click here.

Weather Trained Housebuilders Predict Sunshine & No Showers At Front Garden

Following the flooding of the area in July, developers carving up the Front Garden area have assured us that the homes to be built there will not flood.

They've even spun that news by saying it wouldn't happen even in the worst floods in a thousand years.

So that means the houses in Wichelstowe will either be the best designed against flooding like the ones in the Netherlands, or that the developers are telling porkie pies.

Swindon Centric Says ; Does anyone in one of those insurances offices along Commercial Road want to give us a rough assessment of what it might cost to insure against flooding on one of these houses? Go on, quote us wet, or dry!

Attention Grabbing Headline Less Than Perfectly True

Swindon's small, yet most imperfectly formed media outlets were rocked by scandal yesterday after a headline appeared with no basis in fact whatsoever.

The heavy rain experienced in the last week through the town and most of the country gave eager local newspaper editors plenty of fodder to fill otherwise blank pages in midweek editions, one slipped up.

The Swindon Beaver Herald's Lunchtime Edition yesterday ran with 'Worst summer rain in 125 Years Of Living Memory' on it's frontpage. It took 45 minutes after the first copies had hit the news stands before Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsen, manning the switchboard, was flooded with calls (seven at once, or mostly within quick succession) saying no-one in Swindon had lived 125 years.

To the newspaper's credit (we don't give it much, not after it's legally been found guilty of mis-using the name 'newspaper', but we won't take them to court, everyone knows it's not a real paper) the Late Edition Final, sent out at 5pm, printed a small explanation headline, under the main, attention grabbing one, explaining that the 125 was simply used to emphasis the severity of the rain.

Swindon Centric Says ; The rain's been heavy, but it didn't flood, how bad can it be?

Rumours by a sub-editor of the SBH that a man lives in Ferndale Road who's reached the age of 127 by eating nothing but Brazil nuts and drinking weak Earl Grey tea with lemon have been discounted. He is believed to have been asleep through any major storms involving headline grabbing rainfall levels while in his toddler stage.

Swindon Shopping Rumours

Rumours that we couldn't possibly confirm this Sunday include the following.

- A major department store is set to be built on the land between Davis Place and Market Street (the bit of land from the Tented Market toward the NatWest Bank on Commercial Road, where the big spiral roadway used for delivery access to the Brunel Centre is).

- Another major department is due to vacate Swindon Town Centre all together and be replaced by another which hasn't been in the town before.

- Zombies have been spotted queuing at a well-known fast-food chain on Canal Walk, though these may have just been students.

Swindon Centric Says ; One of the above is untrue, can you guess which?

Old Town Tunnels Hired By Bond Villian

With the discovery this week of tunnels and caverns running all under the streets and cellars of Old Town, Swindon Centric has got an EXCLUSIVE break on this curious story.

The long rumoured tunnels were used to smuggle illegal spirits around the town out of sight of the excise men during the 18th Century. But a new use has been found for these historic and eerie places we can reveal.

A letting company in the town has leased out several of the larger tunnels to a man know only as Doctor Blofeld. He didn't tell the letting agent exactly what his intentions for the spaces were, but several Old Town residents and late night revellers have reported seeing dozens of jumpsuit clad extras entering the tunnel complex through a fake electricity substation on the corner of Cricklade Road, atop which a smug looking long-haired white cat sits.

Swindon Centric Says ; We've been expecting you Mr Blofeld.

Huge Weather Advice: Look Out For A News Whiteout

Swindonians are being warned this lunchtime that the town will be in for a deluge of news stories all about the snow which is expected to fall.

In some areas of town the media reports could lie as much as a 11 inches thick in column inches.

Those in more vunerable areas, those who have newspaper subscriptions and widescreen TVs are being advised to phone if it gets too much.

There were unconfirmed reports that a woman in Wroughton had newspapers up to three feet deep in her hallway and had to be rescued by a neighbour, but further investigation revealed the woman had been on holiday for a month and had failed to inform her paperboy to redeliver them to her sister round the corner.

Swindon Centric Says ; Tomorrow all that snow will be fish and chip paper! Err, yeah, we know what we mean.

We Don't Like To Blow Our Own Horn, But, PARRRRRPA!

As Sherlock Holmes would say, '' just as I suspected'', that's the view being taken by us at Swindon Centric after the town's Borough Council announced it was to be privatising it's backroom staff.

The pat on our back we've been giving ourselves all afternoon, despite the advice of our chiropractor, was due to us originally reporting this story back in November last year.

We don't like to say, we told you so, so we won't say it.

We look forward to launching a self-updating business ticker on the site soon to constantly update you on the Swindon Borough Council PLC's share price as soon as the local authority is floated on the London Stock Exchange.

Swindon Centric Says; Where's my broker's number?

Insurance Claims Spill Over As Canal Plan Is Floated

In a move to show just how sneaky some Swindon residents are, insurance claims for future flooding caused by the Wilts And Berks Canal which is planned to be rebuilt through the town centre have, well, flooded in.

The town centre would have its road system completely redesigned as the water would be returned to Bridge Street and Faringdon Road in a major regeneration move planned.

Despite it being an outlined plan, that hasn't stopped claims rising 137% along the proposed route for future flood damage and smelly carpets due to flooding from the canal.

Rumours that most wealthy Swindon execs have begun to reserve mooring spaces at the planned Fleming Way basin and booking waterside seats at the bistros and restaurants due to be located by the canal side remain unconfirmed tonight.

Swindon Centric Says ; Don't talk wet!

Crime Figures In ; Pants Are Up And Bras Are Down As Police Resources Questioned

Questions are being asked this weekend over the effectiveness of Swindon and Wiltshire's police resources after a saucy disclosure.

Police time is being spent in Purton looking for the owner and story behind the appearence of several bras and knickers littering a street in the sleepy village over the past few months.

The story, which broke this week has seen a dangerous increase in the number of double-entendres used by residents in Swindon and the surrounding area. For public safety sake, we have been asked by Wiltshire Constabulary to publish them here.

- Lets just hope it is a brief investigation!

- Im sure the police have no-thong to worry about.

- its all pants!!!!

- pass them on to Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, they seem to have a shortage of clean knickers!

- Have police officers taken down anyone's particulars?

- I suppose with the thongs, police have very little material to go on?

- I suppose with the bras, officers need to keep abreast of the situation?

In Swindon Centric's opinion, this story needs to be kept clean and there's no point getting your knickers in a knot about it, all it is is knick-knacks.

Click here to see Purton's dirty laundry being aired in public