It's summer, it's Swindon, so it must be something other than news in the news!
That's right, staff, we are told, at the Great Western Hospital, are in mourning for the resident swan.
Swindon Centric Says ; Council discussions begin in the morning about funeral arrangements, details include a parade route, a twenty-one gun salute and a red arrows flypast.
That would be press releases disguised as news about as well as a dame at a panto. McDonalds has been in Swindon town centre for twenty-five years.
Swindon Centric Says ; 25 years, it feels like more. Oh wait... no that's just heartburn.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. I'm going to be medaled at my next appraisal.
9. The first touch is pretty magical.
8. A man with a hat has just turned up.
7. Check that digital display.
6. Genius. pure genius.
5. Verbs really are past their best.
4. You can't bring a bike on here, unless it's self-assembly.
3. I kid you not.
2. Isn't bronze just another shade of gold?
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. Well, when you put it like that, I've got it pretty good really.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. I'm sorry, you lost me when you started talking.
9. It's impossible to tell, unless you tilt your head this way.
8. Kissing your teammates is hugely underrated.
7. Apples that large really require a license to transport.
6. It took 500 man hours to produce the elephant.
5. This seat is far superior to that seat.
4. We received a smattering of applause and a book token.
3. No, he's holding all of the balls right now.
2. It's designer, but I'll have to clean off the marks before I take it in for a refund.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. I killed him, I killed him dead, but don't shout it too loudly.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
LATE BREAKING NEWS
Details have just reached us in the last few minutes of a shocking story that is breaking across the town this evening. A source we'll call Maria, from Swindon Borough Council has contacted us to say that a secret survey conducted this week has some shocking results.
Surveys of the contents of the entire Borough issued general waste wheelie bins makes for upsetting reading. The headlines look like this ;
- 46% contain general household unrecyclable waste.
- 17% contain general household recyclable waste. Those lazy people will be dealt with.
- 14% contain missing government laptops and data discs.
- 9% contain nothing as those residents eat their waste. They will be dealt with by the people in white coats.
- Another 9% are being used as dens in those residents gardens.
- 3% are being used to transport a jazz band and their instruments to a gig in Old Town.
- And the final 2% are actually bottomless...
Swindon Centric Says ; And for those freaky highly-strung residents moaning in the previous story, they all contain maggots. Get over it.
Besides if you have one of the 3% with the ' Swindon All Star Jazz Upbeaters Band ' in them, then as you sluice them out with boiling water, you can bop along to the jazz rhythms, everyone's a winner.
As others have noticed, the news about maggots in Swindon bins is one of todays top stories.
As unbelievable as it is, some Swindon residents have been living in shock during the warm summer months because of maggots growing in their fortnightly rubbish collection. Surely this happened before we had wheelie bins and if residents aren't semi-regularly sluicing out their bin, they have themselves to blame.
Swindon Centric Says ; Maggots, high temperatures and decomposing rubbish, oh my!
Thamesdown Transport are giving those with the money and the correct operating license the chance to create their own version of Summer Holiday.
The majority council owned bus company is selling two of it's double deckers. Brightly painted in yellow, they're unique and lets face it, who doesn't like a double decker?
Swindon Centric Says ; Contact your municipal bus company for details. Hurrah for the fleetliners.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. I really do feel like, well, now you've earned it.
9. I don't want to see it because it's called Kung Fu Panda, that's why.
8. He's a bit of a Danish pastry.
7. It features a monkey, sounds boring.
6. You want me to do more and more with less and less.
5. Look out, here comes Mary Poppins.
4. What they're doing to the town is morally reprehensible.
3. Everyone is talking about The Dark Knight, so I thought I wouldn't.
2. He shook hands with the police outside, no-one has ever done that.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. Bad becomes good, that's the warped effect it has on you, don't do it Percy.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. I call Keira Knightley, Ikea Knightley.
9. Bo-boom, very good story.
8. Don't let the little people in, too late, they're already here.
7. It's inflected.
6. He was out with that mower at 7.45.
5. My status is smoking.
4. I may lose my job on Friday, how much worse can this month get?
3. It's rubbish of a grade all of it's own.
2. More creepy than dinner with Paul Daniels.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. Not the best architecture in the World, Swindon bus station.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
The opinion of Komadori very much mirrors our own on the headline grabbing subject of speed cameras this week. If you are caught speeding, then tough, deal with it.
The inevitable collapse of the discussion into party politics was entirely expected. However the news about falling crime in Swindon didn't merit as much 'big bang' coverage. With this story, the old chestnut of 'how much crime isn't reported', is often wheeled out. But that shouldn't detract from the fall in crime as the figures show.
One interesting number that should be attached to every sensational headline about knife crime in the town is that it constitutes 0.3 per cent of all crime.
Swindon Centric Says ; When crimes against the person drop to the lowest level in the south-west, for our town, it should make the front page and should lead the story. Good news doesn't have to involve fluffy animals, it can include positive achievements and make an interesting newspaper-selling story to boot.
Footnote : On the issue of knife crime, this report on the BBC is very telling. The statistics show knife crime has stayed at the same level but the irrational fear exhibited by the public doesn't reflect this.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. It's on the Google.
9. He's in full damage limitation mode.
8. The music went on just after midday and it was loud and melodic.
7. It's a safe haven.
6. He goes through the bus picking up litter.
5. Chocolate is a vital part of my diet.
4. There's little reason for me to be suspicious, but I naturally am.
3. I rocked so hard something unknown began coming out of my nose.
2. One, two, three times the charm.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. The truth is difficult to find, hard to maintain and impossible to keep.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
The replacement for the closed Tented Market in the town centre has been rejected yet again by the council planning committee.
The latest version submitted for approval looked better than the last, but was still not defining the word 'landmark' in it's fullest sense. Despite the recommendation of planning officers to grant the scheme approval, members of the committee thought different thank goodness. The current artists impression shows the market replacement showing it's best side facing backwards to the one way traffic system, meaning the majority of people would see the least attractive side of the building approaching from Farnsby Street. There doesn't seem to have been much attention to detail in the latest version.
Swindon Centric Says ; We're pleased that a decent standard of build for this part of the town centre redevelopment is being upheld. But it's disconcerting how long one, relatively small part of the whole regeneration masterplan is taking. Swindon Borough Council better speed up it's dealings on this major part of it's remit.
Once again, where in the world is the New Swindon Company in this Crossroads saga? Been sent out for a bag of sugar anf never seen again?
This above line should be said in the best Donald Pleasence voice you can muster.
For this weekend sees something that normally we don't get in Swindon. A film festival. Of course, there's one in November, but this is different. This is Swindon's first horror film festival.
Phantasmagoria starts on Friday and runs through to Sunday evening. It's at the Arts Centre and promises to be a most interesting affair.
Swindon Centric Says ; "He didn't cast a reflection in my mirror."
The ultimate local news story, travellers raising the blood pressure of locals, has been given it's latest airing. This weeks best chestnuts so far have been featured in a report by the Advertiser.
On this occasion, we take off our hat to the Swindon Advertiser. Specifically the quotes from locals. Your appetizer was a simple, no nonsense line that wouldn't have been out of place in a Famous Five book, "this will not do."
But the gold goes to an unnamed, 'other man', who said, "to defecate in the bushes is not human. I can't believe this has happened."
Swindon Centric Says ; 'Other Man' must live a very sheltered life and regarding the bushes, has clearly never been camping.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. How many, is that two, or one? We'll say two.
9. I have a stick, so I get priority.
8. They're campaigning to bring back the Crystal Maze.
7. Thunder was heard, but it was just a rumour.
6. There's less to be said and more to be done.
5. It was a vital contribution.
4. Number twelve, no I don't go there.
3. Long enough to get caught on something, that's what it's long enough for.
2. He's live every day at three.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. Just one slice of ham sets her off, like cat nip.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
The Adver ran a story recently about how traditional pubs were under threat and could disappear entirely as a result of the smoking ban. However, nothing was said about other drinking establishments, namely more modern bars.
Considering how often the recycled story about 'binge drinkers making the town centre a no-go area' is used, not a squeak was heard from, or reported on, the Bridge Street area of town and the effect on places there. Comments from those who run traditional pubs was included though, two in fact.
Swindon Centric Says ; Impartial reporting needs to show us what's happening in all drinking places, not just traditional pubs. Just because somewhere is described as a 'traditional pub' it doesn't mean that it's patrons drink any more responsibly than anyone who frequents a modern bar in Bridge Street. Impartiality, impartiality and impartiality.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. If we'd gone straight we would have been home by midnight.
9. I intend to keep one small battalion at home.
8. It was only a matter of time before that look became fashionable.
7. It must remain upright, otherwise it turns into a farce.
6. Rough and tough, they've had it all.
5. There appears to be no end to her talents, I've read the graffiti in the loos.
4. I'm not bitter, not, anyway.
3. I can't start to think about dinner, I'm barely done digesting lunch.
2. He felt disrespected, diddums.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. It was almost a food fight, I was prepared, I had a bib.
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
As Komadori pointed out, the accuracy from the Swindon Advertiser leaves something to be desired. We have mentioned here before about the poor knowledge of the railways from the town's only daily newspaper.
To the Advertiser's credit, a re-edited version of the story was posted on the newspaper's website on Monday evening. However, the new draft of the story has cut out any mention of the potential top speed of the new lines, correct or incorrect. A little research would reveal that the current top speed, of 186mph achieved by the Eurostar and the first TGV trains, would be at the top end of any new high speed line's limit. While, 140mph would be at the other end, since this is the speed the new commuter trains to be introduced for domestic services from Kent to London are built for.
Swindon Centric Says ; Less than five minutes research, gets the facts. Simple and accurate.
Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.
10. A coup, that'd make work more interesting.
9. Have you seen Marks & Spencers, they've put in about four cafes.
8. What was so special about Sarah?
7. It was warm earlier on, now it's cold enough to shiver.
6. More and more I see him the less less interest I have in talking.
5. People shouldn't settle for second best, unless you're watching Sky One.
4. Two pensioners are worth one full fare paying passenger.
3. There's no reason you can't enjoy the same status.
2. Apples can be more dangerous than most people imagine.
And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...
1. Hello is that Barry, well who are you and what have you done with him?
Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.
If you didn't know, it's Swindon, the Summer Solstice is tomorrow and the silly news season has started.
Earlier on this week we had a story about a naked milkman in South Cerney. Now, it's crop circles and an injured swan.
Swindon Centric Says ; All we need is something about a cat stuck up a tree or inside a ventilation shaft and the week will be set.
