Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 34

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . But he never admits to making those mistakes.

9 . If you saw what we saw, well, it'd be more fun than a Only Fools & Horses Christmas Special.

8 . It's not Christmas until Tuesday, does anyone apart from me actually know that?

7 . Why is everyone shopping like the end is nigh, the shops only shut for two days.

6 . This festive season I'm putting weight on for the whole family.

5 . People who actually eat mince pies are like those that support keeping the army in Iraq, each year there's less and less of them.

4 . If those carol singers turn up again you'll have to help me barricade the front door with the tree, that crate of beer and half a dozen tins of quality street.

3 . They're doing a 'let's find an Oliver for Oliver Twist' reality show next year, my new year's resolution is to burn my sky plus box.

2 . We didn't get a tree, I swear the neighbours looked at us like we had two heads.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . It's easy to spot the office tart, she's the one who dresses up in the 'sexy santa helper' outfit, like dental hygienists, they just lure men in, they must be stopped.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Pagan & Wiccan Greetings On This Special Day

Since everyone seems to be either,

1. on a plane going somewhere warm

or

2. having a nervous breakdown in the shops

we would like to wish all those out there celebrating on today's solstice the very best of the Yule festival.

From now on the days get longer and Spring will begin to hint.

Swindon Centric Says ; Whether you be a pagan, wiccan, celtic, druid, or heathen, keep warm tonight by eating and toasting to the coming warmer months.

Christmas Reaches Record Levels ; Town Hall Swamped In Tinsel, Several Dead

Christmas tree safety, Christmas light displays, Christmas travel news, safe Christmas taxi travel, Christmas alcohol safety message, Christmas office party pictures, school Christmas play pictures, Christmas tree pictures, you get the picture.

Real news consisted of ;

1 . The increase in round-the-clock watching of the footage from the town's CCTV cameras.

2 . The reaction to the death of Wootton Bassett teenager Stewart Aitken.

3 . The visit of Lama Rinchen Phuntsok Rinpoche to the town, one of the highest ranking people in the Buddist religion.

Swindon Centric Says ; So there's the actually news separated from the festive tat.

Corked! Councillor Frightened Of Recycling ; Skips Meeting Due To Phobia

We may not be writing about Christmas, but we are on that current small-town staple ; recycling.

The Borough Council cabinet member for the environment cancelled a meeting, in which he would face questions about the new refuse and recycling service, at the last minute, because he wasn't prepared enough for it.

Other councillors said Mr David Wren was informed a month ago of the meeting and that his excuse is not acceptable. They also said most senior councillors have a good enough knowledge of their areas to be ready for a meeting at a day's notice.

Mr Wren defended himself by saying he wasn't informed until two days before and didn't have time to organise.

Councillor Des Moffat said that since he knew he would face a barrage of questions about the new service and the problems with it and that was the reason he didn't show up.

Swindon Centric Says ; Phobia of open space, confined space, spiders, flying, recycling boxes and wheelie bins, ehh?! Did we miss something?

LATE UPDATE

News from the National Centre For Phobia Awareness is that the latest treatment for sufferers of Envirophobia is to hide in a traditional steel rubbish bin, covered by the lid, a la Top Cat. Mr Wren, we know what we're getting you for Christmas!

Do We Need A Scrooge To Sort Out The Recycling?

We promised to try and find news which isn't Christmas related for you. We might have failed in that, but you'll have to be the judge on that.

Since almost all households in Swindon gained a recycling collection along their refuse collection, we'd been led to believe the problems were behind us all.

Never say never in Swindon.

Not all plastic bags, for your plastic bottle collections, have been delivered to all households. Running two weeks late in distribution of the bags, (which is being carried out by a outside contractor) the words of Steve Harcourt, director of environment and health, are hardly urgent or reassuring. He said "They should have finished two weeks ago. Managers are coming to see me soon to see how they will complete the roll out before Christmas."

Since a director wouldn't be expected to work on weekends or around holidays, "soon" translates as tomorrow or Friday as the time left for the anonymous company to get on with it before Christmas.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is it just us, or does the quote from Mr Harcourt make him sound rather like Sergeant Wilson from Dad's Army, "would you mind awfully , just you know, if you wouldn't mind, delivering those bags chaps?"

If You Can Find A Non-Christmas Story, Tell Us

Despite Christmas being a week away and the festive season having started sometime in October, there still seems to be plenty of related non-news stories to be run.

We've had the 'less shopping this Christmas' story from the business community, the 'charity related Santa wearing runners story', the 'family encountered mild misfortune and can't afford to spend ten thousand pounds on children this year', so what else is left?

The staff here at Swindon Centric can safely predict within the next week :

1. A family having the exterior of their house decorated with more bulbs than RAF Lyneham's main runway.

2. Reminding all households to recycle their Christmas cards, despite nearly all being in possession of a recycling box, which accept paper and cardboard.

3. A man from Old Town who has personally grown all the food needed for his Christmas dinner organically, accompanied by a photograph of the still alive organically reared turkey in his back garden called Noel.

Swindon Centric Says ; In the remaining week before the usual festive madness on Monday and Tuesday we will try and find as much real news as we can.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 33

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . Oh, I'm sorry.

9 . Depends how you define speaking English.

8 . He didn't say anything, not a word of it.

7 . She has more jeans than Levi.

6 . I got a reservation, how's that for service?

5 . In times of crisis, I turn to cottage pie.

4 . No, they're not my gloves.

3 . I can confirm, you really are an idiot.

2 . They've put mistletoe above the queue in the bank, I got away sadly unmolested.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is ...

1 . He said it had probably been lost in the post, everyone's using that excuse these days.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Library Threats Cause Contradictions From Councillors

The spin from local councillors on justification for possible closures of the Old Town and Walcot libraries is pretty shocking.

Councillor Tomlinson says Swindon is bucking the national trend of decline in usage. He then says he doesn't think the new distance to travel would really effect people. But in the next line, he says perhaps it would. So that contradiction is the reason for the consultation.

If you aren't confused yet, you probably will be when you read the following.

Councillor Fionuala Foley says "We have to look at services for the future."

Swindon Centric Says ; So, with a town that has an increase in library patronage, the council decide to review whether to keep some of them open. Then they spout speculation on what they think the results of the consultation might be. Then they justify the review by saying they are trying to plan for the future. Surely there are more people than ever before living in Old Town, with the explosion of flat building over the last few years? So, those people are going to pay council tax, to live in an area, that is going to provide them with less service?

'Story/Free Advertising' Poses As News, Again! ; Readers Fall Asleep

Either laziness of just poor standards seems to be more common at our town's only daily paper this month. When this story appeared, it had a thin vein of 'human interest' running through, but really wasn't hard 'news'.

So you can imagine our unsurprising reaction to this story in today's edition. Considering both stories are by the same reporter, you have to ask, do they have a connection to the car dealership, or is it just a case of blatant free advertising?

Swindon Centric Says ; If you're going to recycle a story, at least have the decency to make the photo different from the first and, you know have news in it too.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 32

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . What exactly is a figgie pudding?

9 . There's Mat, stick your finger up at him.

8 . People keep giving me sideways glances.

7 . There's a special place in hell for those people who play 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day'.

6 . Everyone's buying LED fairy lights, they're energy saving, you could just not put up any lights and save the planet that way.

5 . It's my record of the week.

4 . That kid needs a bloody good hiding for Christmas.

3 . People seem to forget about Sven, he was foreign.

2 . She said she had a festive bra, we all held back from asking if she had any puddings to put in it.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . They've already got Easter eggs set up, I nearly fainted into the chocolate coins.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

We Couldn't Make Up Today's News, Someone Else Already Did

We all know that news can sometimes be rather thin on the ground in Swindon, but if we had to make up a list of headlines of fake news for the town, we needed only look at the front page of the local paper.

As of 10pm Wednesday, the top stories were,

1 . Teenagers handing out mince pies to show people they aren't the roving evil, vandalising hoodies some stupidly think they are.

2 . The top Google search in Swindon is 'police'.

3 . A charity run of 80 santas.

4 . A Spanish school show.

5 . A couple decorating their wheelie bin.

Swindon Centric Says ; With a town of 155,432 and a Borough population of 184,000, we'd hoped to bring you some news, but there just isn't any today.

LATE EDITION

We're working on a story for tomorrow involving a Santa Claus dressed Spanish speaking teenage Community Support Officer handing out mince pies from a brightly painted wheelie bin. More details as we get them.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 31

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . Can't we give ourselves one more chance?

9 . No, they're still out on strike.

8 . One day they're getting told off for sending offensive emails, then they're getting praised for giving to charity.

7 . You can get cream for that now, I tried the pills, they are huge.

6 . We're a savvy breed, us last-minute shoppers.

5 . I learned a lot from the course, whoever thought hot stone massage could be so in depth.

4 . There's a right way and a wrong way to bake scones and her way is not just wrong, it's 'blindfolded and wrong'.

3 . How do I finish it off, I want to make it sound believable.

2 . That clock's usually slow, apart from the rare occasions it's fast.

And the top ten overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is...

1 . No, I don't claim child benefit, so I'm laughing.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Bath Uni Leave Oakfield, Report Of Loofah Between Legs

Following the demands from the University Of Bath that it simply had to build on land at Coate Water, which was rejected, it is now leaving the town entirely.

The Oakfield campus, currently occupied by the UOB, is to close. It's claimed the site is simply not viable financially and Bath will therefore move out.

Swindon Centric Says ; This gives the University Of Bath's marketing department a chance to come up with a new brand. It's got location, location, location written all over it.

The University Of Bath, In Bath.

They can have it for free. We won't charge them for it. Call it a leaving present.

M&S Sparks Contradiction In Town Centre Redevelopment

Marks & Spencer has decided to move into half of the building at Haydon Wick currently occupied by Homebase. The current Homebase store is to be divided in half, allowing M&S to a set up a 37,000 sq ft store.

This seems to go against the current policy of encouraging retailers into the town centre. It also goes against M&S's own environmental policy know as Plan A.

Swindon Centric Says ; Of course this save those who live in North Swindon having to drive as far. But apart from that, it's quite a bit of unsustainable duplication.

Convicted Fraudester Gets Free Advert By Local Paper

We won't comment further, except to apologise for the subtitles on the video, here it is.

Swindon Centric Says ; Is it in your stocking for Christmas? We'd rather read the back of a packet of Strepsils

Stable Doors Are Shut As Dairy Is Torn Down

The 100 year Stratton Old Dairy has been demolished to make way for a house and eight flats.

The councillor for St Philips, David Sammels, came out with lots of words after it had been torn down to say there had been confusion with the planning process and is trying to set up a meeting so that residents know what's happened with the process.

Swindon Centric Says ; Save them the money Mr Sammels and tell them all to look at the pile of rubble. That should tell you and them that the application was rather successful.

Councillors Put In For Overtime To Lower Stratton's Bills

It sounds like a bit of PR and it may well be.

People in Stratton, Covingham and Nythe pay an additional parish council tax on top of their Council Tax to Swindon Borough Council. But do not fear, local councillors are to look into exactly what the extra money is for. There are two worrying aspects to this.

Firstly, why is this investigation even needed? Surely a glance at the accounts book of the parish council will tell you how much is being spent where. Not really rocket science.

Secondly, there's a nagging feeling that after a couple of months of investigation, involving meetings, consultations, maybe even a 'task force', the parish council will say that there are no savings to be made. Because any excess has been spent, on the investigation to find surpluses.

Swindon Centric Says ; So what exactly are residents getting for their £20 to £70 a year in the parish? Gold plated wheelie bins? Plugholes that get water to spin the opposite way? If you're a local to the parish, please leave a comment or email us at swindoncentric@mac.com and let us know what the extra is that you get!

CID Re-examining Town Murders & Rapes

A Major Investigation Team are looking at previously unsolved crimes in Swindon. But authorities are not confirming a connection with convicted murderer Ulrich Muenstermann, who hid from German authorities in Swindon in the early 1990s.

Muenstermann was arrested in 1993, at his house in the town. He had been a suspect, linked by DNA, in the killing of Karen Oehme in Dulmen, Germany. A French magistrate appealed for information from Swindon residents about him in connection with the 1989 killing of Sylvie Baton.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you have any information, click here.

Tally Ho! James Gray To Stand Again, Despite Local Tory Opposition

The North Wiltshire MP (like the gift that keeps on giving) has promised to stand again for his seat in the next general election.

Despite the actions of the North Wiltshire Conservative Association to oust him, it looks like it will be up to the residents of that area to have their own go. Mr Gray did say he would mend any "bridges".

Considering members of the association wanted him off the bridge entirely, it'll be up to the voters to push him over the edge and into the water.

Swindon Centric Says ; Well, good luck Mr Gray. If you want to go green, go gray? Doesn't have the nicest of rings to it.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 30

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . But can he afford that kind of expense?

9 . Leeks are hugely underrated.

8 . It was a long dark tunnel, what can I say?

7 . Californication is the new Desperate Housewives.

6 . He just wants to help the police.

5 . Who goes hang gliding these days, not me.

4 . I knew he was going to trip up, like when something falls off a checkout belt, you can see it happening.

3 . A fanta and a packet of wotsits is not the way to start the day.

2 . When it's sunny, it still feels mild.

And the top ten overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week is.

1 . I've spent all my money on lead paint covered toys for Christmas, ho ho ho.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

Swindon's Stale Air ; What We Already Knew

Jonathon Porritt, the straight talking environmentalist was in Swindon yesterday, telling the Borough Council that it's not doing things sustainable enough.

This is rather shocking to local residents after the comment by Francis Maude recently that Swindon's authority is an all singing all dancing "model". Mr Porritt added that the council has to "make it work for people and the environment".

Swindon Centric Says ; Lets hope a vast improvement in the track record of refuse and recycling collection happens which would make things "work" for the environment and the people who have to live in it.

James Gray Survives Deselection ; Sir Humphrey Gets Scheming

MP for North Wiltshire, James Gray, survived a deselection bid by the local Conservative Association last night. 181 voted in his favour and 104 against.

This is the same MP who recently refused to say how many staff he employed in his office. Indeed, he didn't say "no comment", he said "it's none of your business".

We did debate whether or not to run this story since we didn't get any verbal confirmation from Mr Gray that he approved.

Swindon Centric Says ; But we don't really mind what he says, it's none of his business what we cover anyway.

Police Urge Town-Wide Unleading Of Pencils After Precious Metals Thefts

Wiltshire Police have urged residents to be on their guard after a dramatic increase in the number of metal thefts across Swindon.

"Clearly, these people know who they are and we urge anyone who may have seen anyone acting suspiciously, carrying lead sheeting on board buses, for example, to get in touch." That comment from Matthew Picket, Medium Level Inspector for Precious Metals and Counterfeit Confectionery.

There are early signs that the crackdown has begun, three men were arrested on Friday afternoon. They aroused attention as they tried to carry a seventeen foot long steel ingot along Princes Street.

Swindon Centric Says ; Lead inside school pencils is to be removed and stored in a secure, undisclosed location until World metal prices begin to fall. Rumours that the Borough Council is to use the recovered lead to line a nuclear bunker underneath the Civic Offices have not been dismissed this hour.

Swindon Borough Council : Contradictions In Education Since 1997

A public forum at the Link Centre recently was parents 'last chance' to voice objections to the cutting of funding for bussing pupils from West Swindon to Ridgeway and Bradon Forest Secondary Schools.

The Borough Council is claiming surplus places at Greendown School, in West Swindon, will mean spending £500,000 for no reason on transport to schools out of the area.

However, as Bradon Forest headteacher Len Spiers said, the council is advocating breaking one of the fundamental commandments of modern education, choice in where to send your child. "Transport has been provided for the last 45 years. The consultation document is misleading as it indicates the transport was only provided because there has been a lack of secondary places in the area."

Swindon Centric Says ; It was 'dropped in' that there are currently 200 surplus places at Greendown, then why is discussion of this only taking place now? How can the Council say that sending all West Swindon pupils to Greendown will give parents and pupils choice in education. Plus, what will Bradon Forest and Ridgeway do with the vast school facilities they now have once all the West Swindon pupils go to Greendown?

This 'consultation' sounds ominiously like that which happened in West Swindon a few years ago, we all know how the Council didn't listen and indeed misled local residents and parents then.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 29

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10. Lets get straight to it here.

9. Nice to meet you all.

8. When he said "with all due respect" I knew we'd started arguing.

7. Thanks mate.

6. I like to bite it in half then suck off the chocolate.

5. The court date is just before Christmas, should be rather merry.

4. No more Starbucks for me, it's all about detox.

3. They're running later for all the suicidal Christmas shoppers.

2. Obesity here I come.

And the number one overheard phrase from Swindon's buses for last week is...

1. Roadworks, they're installing that long promised missile defence shield for the town. There's a missile silo directly underneath Fleming Way.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Get on the bus and get listening!

...But Not A Penny To Teach

But in the other council area, the Education Department, Swindon can't be too pleased with the amount of money it has to spend.

Swindon has been allocated £300 less per pupil to spend on education provision than the national average. Although the amount of money is going up each year until 2010, it still means we are in the twenty worst funded councils in the nation.

Swindon Centric Says ; Does the Council still have the money it promised to parents was available for school rebuilding several years ago?

Money, Money Everywhere...

On some rare financial good news for Swindon, the Council has said it has collected vast oodles of cash from town centre developers for many new public features.

Upgrading the Oasis and Link leisure centres goes with a new central art gallery as primary places that the cash is to be spent.

What doesn't inspire much confidence is the quote from the Council's Director of Planning & Regeneration, David Potter, " We haven't got a site for it and we aren't too sure exactly what we would want. But we are looking at what the most appropriate way of housing the council's art collection is, what the running costs would be and what the usage levels will be."

So that'd be a building with four walls and a roof then? Genius.

Considering that the regeneration of the town centre has been on the cards for nearly a decade, it's bizzare and pretty worrying that the Director for Planning & Regeneration is so vague on the biggest project within his remit!

Swindon Centric Says ; Is this a backdoor way of the Council admitting that they are not going to close the Link and Oasis and rebuild them? Or is this money simply a stopgap measure? Would the Borough Council, care to clarify?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 28

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . He said we were on the road to recovery.

9 . If they're late they'll just miss out the last few stops before town and run nearly empty.

8 . That kiddie looks like Chucky.

7 . Do I pack gloves or my bikini, I wish he'd tell me.

6 . Yes, yes, I got your cheese.

5 . If you're going to whistle can you at least do it in tune please.

4 . Did you see CSI last night, that woman's head flew off like a missile.

3 . I don't give a monkey's toss who's my secret santa.

2 . Oh look, it's a double-decker, I can't compete with that.

And the number one overheard phrase on Swindon's buses from last week?

1 . Why have you not got a poppy yet, there's no excuse.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

Old Town Development Policy On It's Way ; After All The Development

The town's council has just decided to table an idea for improved shopping in Old Town.

Proposals include the desire for specialist and independent shops and a better balance between night and day trading.

As welcome as all this is, since Old Town has always had a posher image than the rest of Swindon, it's a bit late. Most of the building work in Old Town has already happened. Flats, flats and more flats and little else.

Swindon Centric Says ; The fostering of a varied Old Town seems to be at odds with recent events. Namely the near cancellation of the Swindon Mela and the Council relative indifference to this, arguments about jazz, the closure of the Goddard Arms, the shutting of Wood Street and the feet dragging about the abandoned Locarno.

Old Town should be a showcase, so get your act together Swindon Borough Council.

Bath Uni Lectures Swindon About Sustainability

In something really unremarkable, a scientist has pointed out something obvious to Swindonians.

Professor Geoffrey Hammond, of that old chestnut Bath University, has found that Swindon produces ten times the pollution that it can cope with. Exactly what 'cope with' means in terms of statistics is pretty vague. The surrounding Wiltshire countryside produces far less pollution. Probably because it's, you know, countryside.

Swindon Centric Says ; It doesn't take a scientist to tell Swindon that it produces more pollution than the surrounding countryside. But it certainly was interesting to be told this by a Bath University Professor, the same University that used to insist that building their own campus on green land on the edge of our town would be good for Swindon.

Where were you then Mr Hammond?

Politicial Paradox Exists ; Tories Confirm Hole In Reality

We're pretty use to rather daft statements by local politicians on local issues and national politicians on national issues. But occasionally there is a bizzare crossover between the two.

Ladies and gentlemen of Swindon, let me introduce you to Mr Francis Maude MP who visited Swindon recently and proclaimed the following.

"Swindon is a model in many ways because there is a real commitment to people doing things differently and a lot of good practice that others would do well to follow," said the Shadow Minister for the Cabinet Office. He also lavished further praise on Council Leader Roderick Bluh.

Swindon Centric Says ; We'd very much like Mr Maude to clarify exactly how "doing things differently" translates into "good practise"? Collection of household waste and recycling on different days than those that residents are informed of by the council, is that an example? Or perhaps the failure to predict and provide primary and secondary school provision in the town?

And does Mr Maude call Swindon a "model" council because of it's need to shed 200 jobs because it is so efficent?

Perhaps in a total Tory run World the ideal situation would be mass local government cuts? But we don't live in that World, or indeed the same reality Mr Maude seems to with his outlandish claims about our council.

Stay on the medication Francis.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 27

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . I had an omelette, I've fine.

9 . Christmas shopping gave me a real workout.

8 . They're figs, I've got the urge for a purge.

7 . She fools you from behind.

6 . Blow on my hands would you?

5 . He's less fun than a lift full of mime artists.

4 . Wonder if the value of my kitchen bottle of olive oil is above $100?

3 . Let the wind howl, that's what I say.

2 . Fan-bloody-tastic.

And the top ten overheard phrase on Swindon's buses last week?

1 . Called me a 'living legend', I thought you had to be dead to be a legend ; she's not planning anything is she?

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us at swindoncentric@mac.com or leave a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Swindon's Art ; Murals For Our Town Please

Following our interactive user interface (an online poll) we can reveal the majority of those taking part wanted a new programme of murals for Swindon.

85% of those thought a new set of murals, made famous by the efforts of local hero Ken White, was what the town needed.

Swindon Centric Says ; Perhaps the building of a town centre university will give Swindon's art community bigger and better lobbying power to push for a scheme like this.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 26

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . I say lets attack Sweden.

9 . She finished the whole book, only took her seven months.

8 . He's a Vice-President and he thinks he's a god of insurance.

7 . They were thrilled to see us, they said.

6 . Isn't gardening now an Olympic sport?

5 . No, this is the top, where my fingers are.

4 . I heard he died quietly, considering he was in the library at the time, that's quite appropriate.

3 . They gave her a raise and her own parking space, so she's happy.

2 . It was a knock-out punch.

And the top ten overheard phrase on Swindon's buses last week?

1 . He called it a three-way dynamic, she thought he was asking in a technical way if they should spice things up in the bedroom. It was actually which of three ways you can take to Birmingham.

Overheard something we've missed? Then let us know.

"No Minister" - That's None Of Your Business

The publication of the expense accounts for our MPs always throws up a handful of stories which mostly are non-stories, but this one this one we just had to mention.

When asked how many staff he employed in his personal office the Member for North Wiltshire replied "it's none of your business". A wonderful example of Mr Gray's 'Sir Humphrey' attitude to open government and the general voting public.

This is despite the more reasonable response from the two Swindon MPs.

Swindon Centric Says ; If you live in Mr Gray's boundary and he knocks on your door come election time to ask who you're voting for, you know the answer. That's none of your business.

Swindon's Under-Recognised Artists Need Say In Town Centre Redevelopment

Local artist, Ken White has finished two murals at Commonweal School of local actresses Diana Dors and Billie Piper.

He wrote Dors name below her picture, because he didn't think local children would know who she was. Piper's was left blank as Ken suggested she may want to come and sign it herself.

Swindon Centric Says ; Ken White and other local artists should be given the opportunity for huge input to the town centre redevelopment. Yes, we do have a few doing some sculptures with the felled trees from Wharf Green, but we need more. Huge murals could become Swindon's new town centre unique selling point, along with the extra shops the New Swindon Company hopes to attract. Many of us talk about the murals that were all over town decades ago, what about a programme of constant new murals, say several every year?

Is anyone from New Swindon Company reading this?

War On Jazz 2 ; Driving The Jazz Underground

Swindon Borough Council today clamped down on the scourge of jazz by ordering The Old Bank in Wood Street to close it's doors when it has it's weekly music evening.

So for anyone out there who's wishing to make their voice heard by the Council, just complain no-more than six times and your wish will be granted.

Swindon Centric Says ; How many times, on average have the same people had to make multiple complaints about their weekly recycling collection before the problem was solved? Perhaps a freedom of information request could be the next job for the Swindon Centric investigative news desk?

Tomorrow : The Council War On Rabbits.

Council Declares War On Smooth, Toe-Tapping Jazz

Swindon Borough Council is considering revoking The Old Bank Brasserie's license for live music, because it has jazz played too loud.

The upmarket Old Town bar and restaurant has a live jazz evening every week. But the council has received six complaints in five months.

Six complaints in a year? Wow, how many complaints has the Council received about it's recycling service over the same period? We'd like to see the figures. However, the officers pointed out the noise was worse when the Bank's doors were propped open, so the solution is simple.

But for the sake of balance, how many of those six complaints are from the same person? Anyone from the council willing to give us the details of that?

Swindon Centric Says ; How many police call outs have been made to Angelo's in Fleet Street and only now are they talking about effective action for that club? Six complaints, come on!

They Really Don't Work ; Swindon's Services Crumble Round Our Ears

Police, then health and now another essential service for the town has been declared ineffective and failing to meet targets. The consequences of this one failing have their own tragic outcomes, it's Swindon's Drug Service.

With a refreshing honesty, the strategic development manager for substance misuse said , "we didn't meet any of the targets set for us by the National Treatment Agency." Further to this the council predicts it will cost £57million per year, at least, in the resulting crimes from the service's failings.

It was also added that Swindon has a large number of people with alcohol abuse who seem to be forgotten by the general public when drug treatment is mentioned.

Swindon Centric Says ; With the increase in related crime from the service's failings, can Wiltshire Constabulary be trusted to respond effectively, with their low rating too, to solving those crimes?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 25

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . That's the problem everyone has, they really don't 'get' her.

9 . Well I always knew he was gay, I could tell by the shoes.

8 . Hey, I love cheese.

7 . What does he think he's doing?

6 . No, they've been that price since August, you'd better check and make sure they're safe to eat.

5 . She told me they all knew what the truth is, but he'll never get caught out, unless she uses the video camera.

4 . Are you sweating?

3 . It's very unseasonal for this time of year isn't it?

2 . Professional is my middle name, along with Simon.

And the top ten overheard phrase on Swindon's buses this week?

1 . He's gone organic he said, if he stands in the same place for too long I swear he'll start to decompose.

Overheard something we've missed? Then email us at swindoncentric@mac.com or leave a comment and your phrase could make it onto next week's list!

Swindon's Health Less Than Perfect, Or Even Good

After the police rankings were released recently, a similar report on the state of the town's health services has been published.

Not wanting to be too different to the Wiltshire Constabulary, those in the health sector were pretty much the same. Swindon Primary Care Trust, runner of GP's surgeries and dentist practises has dropped from a 'good' to 'fair' rating.

The operator of the Great Western Hospital, the Swindon & Marlborough NHS Trust, also got a lower rating.

The reality based universe the rest of us exist in has been put aside for the paradox the PR spin team exist in following this news. Yes, you've guessed it, just like the PR after the police rankings, they believe it is good news.

Swindon Centric Says ; Do the health sector of our town have the same PR team as the police? And do the people who work there have a fever?

School Age Children Need School Places Shock!

You'll recall the chaos, doubt and worry caused by the closing, merging and threats made to the existence of Swindon schools that seems to have haunted classrooms this year?

Well, many of the changes were, we continually were told, to ensure the town would not be left with surplus places in years to come.

It'll seem rather stupid for the council to admit then that it is struggling to cope with pupil demand in the Northern Development. As Councillor Garry Perkins said "we are trying to play catch up with where children are".

Swindon Centric Says ; Who did Mr Perkins and the council think would be moving into the four and five bedroom family houses being built either side of Thamesdown Drive for the past five years? How can they be trusted to get the numbers right after the appalling way schools in other parts of town have been treated?

Fears Don't Grow For Old Building, Story Recycled

The news that the Mechanics' Institute has been put on another 'at risk' list, this time by the Victorian Society, has triggered the recycling of a story several years old.

Every time some new listing or inclusion is made to the empty Mechanics' Institute, a call goes out how urgent repairs are needed and how 'fears are growing' for the building.

Several years ago the building was boarded up and the roof was made safe, it is at less risk of structural failure than it has been since it became empty in the 1980s.

Swindon Centric Says ; It's not at greater risk of collapse, it's has been abandoned for long enough, that's the real story. So why are we not badgering Swindon Borough Council to give us a date by which repair work starts, regardless of who owns it? If commercially, things are not viable, the Council should take it into authority ownership and take the responsibility itself.

That would show courage and proper leadership.

My Police Station Is Now A Trendy Wine Bar

After last week's news that Wiltshire Constabulary is at the best average but mostly falling below that standard and in the relegation area when it comes to national ranking, confidence in the county's force is not good.

So today's details that there are three police stations open to the public throughout the county will not do much to boost it.

PR spin from the force is that 90 percent of people contact the police by phone, so there's no need to have physical stations sounds familiar.

Soon, vast call centres will be outsourced to Asia and all the branches will become trendy wine bars.

Swindon Centric Says ; There is another way you know, use the force.

Swindon Shopping Rumours 3 ; John Lewis Drops Anchor In Swindon

Swindon Centric can reveal today, from a reliable source, that John Lewis will be part of the town centre redevelopment.

The department store will build premises on the former Fleming Way Post Office site, across the road from the current Debenhams location. That store will move to the Regents Place development, off Commercial Road.

This will give two major stores at either end of the main retail area, 'anchor stores' as they are called.

Swindon Centric Says ; We are now wondering what will become of House Of Fraser's building (they will move out in the next few years), with it being a hybrid of the old Brunel market and partly new building. Will any other retailers find it suitable, or will it be sub-divided for smaller outlets?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 24

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . I'll send you the contract in the post.

9 . I've got no interest in your problem.

8 . No they never caught him, everyone knows where he is though.

7 . That's my favourite show.

6 . No, she's taller than you think, she comes up to here on me.

5 . I wish you'd said earlier, I could have cleaned it before I put it on.

4 . That cake gives me my fat intake for a month and a half, I'll finish it before Monday.

3 . He says he doesn't like to go on about it, but he does, all the time.

2 . I'm a real man, I know my limitations.

Here's the top ten overheard phrase from Swindon's buses from last week...

1 . She says she 'rules her roost', I always said she looked like a rather fat, shaggy crow ; so it seems we agree on one thing.

Overheard something far mroe interesting that we missed? Let us know.

I Wouldn't Touch Him With A Barge Pole ; Perhaps For £50 Million

We've been told a couple of interesting details this week.

Firstly a study into putting the canal back through the town centre would cost £50 million.

Next, the leader of the Borough Council, Roderick Bluh, said the money would not come from local taxpayers.

Which seems fair enough, he said that since £1.5 billion was being spent to regenerate the town centre, that £50 million isn't that much in comparison.

He added that the money would be from regeneration agencies. Since those government derived agencies (English Partnerships is the main one) get their money from central government, we do pay for it, on a national level.

Swindon Centric Says ; The canal seems like a good idea, lets hope it's done properly.

Swindon Shopping Rumours 2 ; Just The Facts Shoppers, Just The Facts

As we sort of revealed in May, Debenhams is to move from Fleming Way to the Regent Place development as the 'anchor store' for that end of town.

Ok, so we didn't say it was Debenhams, and we didn't say it was moving, but we feel in need of an exclusive news boost. But we did say where the new store site would be located.

Let's try again and see if we can redo the second part of our May story. Here goes...

In the town centre redevelopment, House Of Fraser will move out of the town. We don't mean, 'move out of town' as in go to an out-of-town location, but leave Swindon all together. They aren't taking anywhere near as much money as they expected. People in Swindon like a bargain it seems when it comes to department store shopping, or indeed shopping all together.

So there's another exclusive, but with more facts and names and stuff.

Swindon Centric Says ; If the new stores built by that chain in other places are anything to go by, Swindon might be fortunate and get a landmark building. Get your store cards ready.

Low Crime ; If It Happens, They'll Probably Have A Jolly Good Go At Solving It

Reason to wonder what Wiltshire Constabulary do with the time they have on their hands due to Wiltshire being one of the safest Counties. You'd think they would be training up all the time to make sure when crime occurs, they are the best at solving it.

Well, that comment is fair, according to Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary.

Out of 43 forces assessed, Wiltshire was ranked seventh from the bottom and given 8 out of 21.

The force came out and said it was good news, well not really, it's fair to average news.

Plus, another area of the same report says officers are tied up in too much red tape, which puts children suffering abuse at risk.

Swindon Centric Says ; To say that our force is average to fair is not good news, it's just fair. We can do better.

I Hear A Tit(ter)! War On News Continues With Saucy 'Story'

Coverage of a the sale of a Swindon sex shop was trivialised today, as people thought it far more funny to have a laugh at the prospective owners paying a visit to the premises, than talk about what the prime piece of real estate will actually be changed into.

As demonstrated here, there was much discussion of how funny motorists sat in cars in a jam on Devizes Road thought the visits were. The local paper, of course carried this 'news', but no detail about what the site could be instead, why the shop is moving out, or anything further than a good laugh was deemed neccessary.

Swindon Centric Says ; Good to see the scant aspects of a weak story were missed for the sake of a poor laugh at a future local business owner's expense.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 23

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . You know you should feel sorry for the Tories, but who really cares?

9 . I know, I couldn't believe he could do that, until I saw the pictures.

8 . He'd taken all the folders and hidden them under the bed.

7 . She said 'you're paranoid', I said, 'no I'm not I'm Buddist'.

6 . I've done my Christmas shopping, for 2008, not this year's yet though.

5 . You must be a real riot at parties.

4 . He offered me counselling, all I wanted was a refund.

3 . Pretty soon there'll be a congestion charge on pedestrians.

2 . I rarely use my mobile phone, except to take pictures. I use my camera for sending texts though, so it all evens out.

And the top ten overheard phrase from Swindon's buses last week, according to the Strictly Come Dancing judges, is...

1 . They're getting free tickets to a future game because they played so badly, why didn't we get free season tickets for the past few years then?

Overheard something we missed through you ipod ear buds? Been told about a conversation that was far more juicy? If so, let us know.

Anyone Found Any News? No Story Terror Hits Town!

Trawling our town for news can be quite a boring job, especially when you find stories that aren't actually stories.

The Swindon Coalition Of Disabled People has blamed the London 2012 Olympics for diverting money they 'expected' to be given to them for this year. Having been funded for the past six years, they were surprised not to get their funding this year and be told they do not benefit the whole community.

A few things spring to mind. The lottery changes and redefines it's criteria for donating money all the time, this is not anything new. They do not benefit the whole community, but do benefit a minority of disabled people, but do not meet the new criteria.

Plus, the money for the Olympics which is coming from the lottery, is from specific Olympic scratchcards and a new draw to be held nearer the time. This is explained here. Any money that is being diverted is coming from sports across the country and not from main lottery 'good causes'.

Swindon Centric Says ; Of course it's a shame that the Swindon Coalition Of Disabled People will not get their funding, but they could try fundraising or sponsorship like many other groups and community organisations have to. We wonder how much this story might have been spun to sound more interesting than it actually is?

Bizzare Parallels Show Hole In The Fabric Of Reality Is Near Swindon

As some people get animated about the selling of cigarettes to under eighteen year olds, it seems priorities are different not that far away.

With a story older than the hills itself, about selling tobacco to under age teenagers, there doesn't seem to be much happening in Swindon at the end of this week.

Not too far away in Tidworth police are promising to crack down on egg throwers by asking shops to not sell eggs to anyone who appears under the age of 18. According to residents and police, there's been a spate of egg throwing in the town.

Swindon Centric Says ; Why don't we just swap? If Tidworth's biggest problem is egg throwing, send their police to Swindon and we can extend the 18 age ban on cigarettes to include eggs.

Resident Takes Picture Of Cat, Whole Town Shocked

The Swindon Beaver Herald today continued it's policy of breaking non-news as real, meaty current affairs when it printed a photo and article about a resident's cat which has slightly unusual markings.

Mrs Timpson's four year old ginger tom-cat is unique in his local area for having a slight purple streak down his left front leg.

"When we saw this, I immediately knocked the story of the oversized onions from the front page and asked the picture desk to blow up this picture as big as possible. I was saying to myself as I filed down my nails, 'what a scoop' ". That quote from the Swindon Beaver Herald's editor, Perry White.

Swindon Centric Says ; What will they run with tomorrow? Pensioner who knits a house shaped jumper? Town's biggest cottage pie? Swindon's first annual watermelon eating competition? We can only hope.

Self-Serving Story Makes Front Page ; Town Takes No Notice

The retirement of Mary Masterson from the Swindon Beaver Herald today caused the paper to publish the story, in not just a vanity exercise, but as a convenient opportunity to fill otherwise blank column inches as well.

" Mary has worked as a picture editor at the Beaver since 1939 and has seen many changes, not least the introduction of the computer, the internet and instant coffee." That insightful insight from the editor of the Swindon Beaver Herald Perry White.

The article also included details of what Masterson plans on doing once she leaves, how many grandchildren she has and a recreation of her pose for the sleazy local rag's first page 3 girl feature back in 1963.

Swindon Centric Says ; The Beaver Herald has half a dozen other staff due for retirement in the next few months, we understand each of these to be expanded to a 20 page tribute, with news, sport and weather shoved to one paragraph on the back page.

Half-Empty Licensing Policy ; Coming In On A Plastic Wing & A Christian Prayer

Anyone new to Swindon looking at the town's drinking culture would be slightly bemused by some of the aspects that keep drinkers and residents safe.

Firstly there's a group of Christians calling themselves Swindon Street Pastors who have been on duty on Friday evenings to make sure any late night revellers get home safely. Secondly, Swindon Borough Council is considering introducing plastic glasses to licensed premises in an effort to cut down the chance of anyone using the glass versions of these as weapons. Its good to know that in the same meeting to discuss this a councillor said larger glasses should be considered, to make sure those ordering pints get the full head in their glass.

We could make a smart comment about bigger glasses, containing more drink making people more prone to violence, but we won't.

Swindon Centric Says ; Congratulations to the Pastors, actually doing something to help the community. Why doesn't the council and Wiltshire Constabulary fund a group of wardens like this, or get more Community Support Officers, or police Officers to do this job? Plus, are we to assume that Swindon's Council hasn't forced any premises to use plastic glasses to reduce risk?

These plastic alternatives have been around for years, why is the Council only just thinking about using them now?

Weather Trained Housebuilders Predict Sunshine & No Showers At Front Garden

Following the flooding of the area in July, developers carving up the Front Garden area have assured us that the homes to be built there will not flood.

They've even spun that news by saying it wouldn't happen even in the worst floods in a thousand years.

So that means the houses in Wichelstowe will either be the best designed against flooding like the ones in the Netherlands, or that the developers are telling porkie pies.

Swindon Centric Says ; Does anyone in one of those insurances offices along Commercial Road want to give us a rough assessment of what it might cost to insure against flooding on one of these houses? Go on, quote us wet, or dry!

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 22

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . Can I have a cigarette?

9 . Bugger it.

8 . I take it no-one's found the body yet?

7 . They're not going to do those bus changes now, not that they were going to bother me.

6 . Doesn't look like they're here yet, I'll make a run for it before they turn up.

5 . I found a hair clip in my laundry basket, he can't tell me his sideburns have got that long, he's lying.

4 . No, it gets called a Renault McCann, but you told it wrong.

3 . If he does call an election, I won't be here to vote, worse luck.

2 . I believe him, but I'm not sure for how long.

And the top ten overheard phrase from Swindon's buses last week, according to our office's tealady is...

1 . Doesn't matter how many times I told her, she insisted you spell 'hot' with an 'a', since she's a PA I shudder to think what the letters she sends out are like.

Overheard something we missed? Been told about a conversation that was far more juicy? If so, let us know.

Fresh Air Theft Makes Front Page ; Real News Shoved To Page 50

For the sake of an attention grabbing headline the Swindon Beaver Herald has placed it's real news on the backburner this Friday.

It led with a story about how a gang have been seen in Regent Circus at midnight every night for the past week collecting Swindon fresh air in decorative 250 gram boxes.

"We have reason to believe that these individuals are selling this Swindon fresh air on the black market. The latest craze to follow on from bottled water is container based fresh air."

That comment from Officer Martin Pete of the Wiltshire Constabulary.

There were various puns about police getting their breath and the sweet smell of air, but we won't repeat them here.

Swindon Centric Says ; The real stories buried in the centre of the paper included the eruption of the Swindon volcano called Bertha, but you'll know all about that by now.

Swindon's Most Wooden ; Wanted Dead Not Alive

The repaving of Wharf Green is still happening, with the trees that were chopped down not to be wasted.

The council has told us they are to use the lumber to produce an art installation.

Indeed, council leader Roderick Bluh said "these artists have come up with a really imaginative way to use the wood".

Swindon Centric Says ; We're sure nature had a far more original use for the wood, in trees, which everyone liked, before they were cut down.

Panic Over ; Demons & Bad Journalism Not A Threat To Town

We at the Swindon Centric Blog pride ourselves on the level of our journalistic standards and therefore feel stupid and cheap when we fail to live up to those levels.

Yesterday's headline 'Demons Invade Haydon Wick, Exterminators Called In' should have included a different word to 'demons', that word being 'midges'.

We'd like to say sorry for any readers who thought this was a piece of accurate reporting and to those who were caught in the stampede to their church, St Johns and any brusing that occurred.

Swindon Centric Says ; Could have been worse, I mean at least we didn't type volcanoes by mistake or anything as silly as that.

Wheelie Wheelie Against The Bins

The residents of Broadgreen have launched a petition against the introduction of wheelie bins in their area.

Despite assurances, one resident visited by a Waste Warden does not want a bin, as with other locals, she says there just is not enough space for them.

The resident in question was asked whether she would consider sharing a bin with a neighbour, which seems sensible and an effective solution to some people having little space. Her response ; "No way".

Swindon Centric Says ; You can't really blame the council for missing some streets collections of recycling, wheelies and green sacks when residents have negative attitudes to any sort of change. Its recycling karma Swindon.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 21

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

10 . I thing we're holding, yes, we're holding.

9 . She looks like a milkmaid in that dress.

8 . For a man of his years I'd agree with you.

7 . Come round and give it a pull.

6 . He started talking over me, but I don't know what he was saying, I wasn't listening.

5 . They have a big variety, I was really surprised.

4 . He said he had a great time, otherwise he'd just have been sat in eating chocolate digestives and watching CSI.

3 . Last time I saw him he had far less hair.

2 . This definitely rings a bell.

And the top ten phrase overheard on Swindon's buses last week is...

1 . Have you heard the joke about the McCanns and Renault's new car? I really can't repeat it here.

Have you overheard something we missed last week? If so, let us know.

Council's 200 Jobs To Be 'Reassigned', Not Lost

Swindon Borough Council is to cut 200 jobs from it's workforce because it's become so efficent.

That's one of the reasons. Our council has become so efficent, it is run so smoothly and meets all it's targets, it has to shed people because they are just wasteful to employ.

And the other reason?

As a part of any well run organisation, they said they have a responsibility to "challenge costs".

Swindon Centric Says ; So when those 200 get their P45s, they can say they were not made redundant, they have had their employment 'reassigned', because, not of cost cutting, but of a 'cost challenge'.

Isn't the age of spin, post-Blair meant to be over? Seems it hasn't reached the Civic Offices yet.