Taxi Regular Takes Out Account ; Might Last 9 Months

With Swindon's taxis being a current topic of conversation, a story that's been overlooked has landed on our 'stories to publish when we're desperate for a story' desk. Lucky for us.

Stephanie Greenslade, 36, of Priory Vale has given birth on the way to the GWH maternity ward. The newsability of this story is that this is the second time Mrs Greenslade has done this in 18 months. Her daughter, Mary-Jane was born in the back of an AC Taxis modeo going over the top of Victoria Road on a heavy traffic Friday night.

'' I thought I would have made it this time.'' Said mother-of-two, Stephanie.

Swindon Centric ; She's either got to ring the taxi sooner, or get a regular driver who doesn't mind breaking the speed limit.

Escaped Emu Causes Chaos ; Breaks Speed Limit ; Could Be Transport Solution

An escaped Emu has give Swindon Transport Planners an unlikely idea in the battle against congestion.

Following it being spotted outside the old Renault Building at Rivermead early this morning and unsuccessful attempts to catch the creature, it made a dash for it.

Followed by the Wiltshire Police helicopter it ran over the Gloucester railway line and was spotted again near Great Western Way.

'' It ran back along toward Bridgemead, on the opposite carriageway, passing several motorists and one HGV, we then tailed it across Mannington Rec. We can confim the Emu was snapped by a speed camera midway along Great Western Way at 42.5mph.

Rumours that Borough Council are considering building a dedicated lane between West Swindon and the town centre for the exclusive use of Emus as an alternative to the car hasn't been confirmed, but Emu parking places are being marked out in Granville Street carpark.

Swindon Centric Says ; Now if only we could get a dozen or so Emus trained up to pull a supermarket lorry, we could really cut our CO2 emissions.

Swindon's Students Mistaken For Works Of Art ; Auctioneer Gets Valuation

A school party visiting Swindon's Old Town Art Gallery caused a small stir in the art world this lunchtime by being mistaken for works of art by several visiting critics at the gallery.

'' We had sat down to have our lunch out in the foyer, siting under a Picasso, when our form teacher went off to get a cup of tea, some of the lads started posing when a guide was bringing round a group of arty type critics and it all kicked off.'' That quote from Sarah Sampson, of East Swindon Comprehensive, 16 of form 11Z.

Some of the returning teachers thought the crowd gathered in the room were looking at a new piece on display.

Swindon's gallery has one of the largest stocks of public art held by a Council, much of which is stored, with display space limited. Rumours a pensioner visiting overheard a gallery attendant telling our reporter this got the wrong end of the stick and assumed that meant serveral schoolchildren were being shackled in the gallery's cellar, never seing the light of day have been strongly denied.

Swindon Centric Says ; We've learned those kids come up for auction as pieces of modern art at an auction house in town at the end of next week. One critic was overheard that they thought the 'kids having lunch' piece worked on ''so many levels'', he may have been talking about the lift at the gallery, we've been unable to determine.

Swindon Safest Place In The Country To Film Midsomer Murders

A study released of the best and worst locations to film primetime, cosy murder-dramas for UK TV shows Swindon tops one of the lists.

'' This shows where the best and worst places are located throughout the country for shooting locations for varying types of drama, comedies, and murder mystery programmes. For example, one of the least safe locations is Nottingham, that's where ITV is looking to film a new pilot vehicle for Ross Kemp in a spin-off, Ultimate Force ; In The City, the plot is rumoured to be pensioners taken hostage on a double decker.'' That comment from Tim Russefort of the Swindon TV critic magazine, The TV Sniper. New edition on news stands now.

Rumour that the town will become the shooting location for a double-bill Christmas special of Midsomer Murders hasn't been confirmed, though the keeper of Lydiard House has been asked to not act too surprised when the fake body is delivered by courier on Friday, for shooting (in more ways than one) to start on Sunday afternoon.

Swindon Centric Says ; They'll have to digitally remove the roundabouts and Thamesdown buses for the new episodes though.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 9

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. The River Ray flooded, no-one saw though, it was at the weekend.

2. He refuses to go to the Outlet, he used to work in A-Shop, he says it's too painful.

3. Anyone would think no-one had had a car before.

4. She does the overtime, she doesn't like being at home with her future husband, troubles-a-brewing.

5. You like?

6. Its the reinvention of the pork pie.

7. His blood pressure limits what he can get up to, unless I surprise him when he comes home from work, but then he might have a heart attack.

8. I bought some new shoes, like I'm going to wear them.

9. I didn't even know it was a bank holiday, that's how shift work makes you forget the day of the week.

10. I would stick his head in the oven, but it's electric, I can't win.

Town's Trees Cover The Competition ; Plus Solar Heated Pork Pies

A survey released today shows that Swindon has the highest percentage of Town land covered by trees than any other similar sized centre in the country.

At 87.59%, Swindon has the most number of trees per population head than anywhere else in the UK. That means there are 5.75 trees for every man, woman and child in the Borough.

'' This is a fantastic statistic for the town to boast about. We knew that Swindon residents are keen on being environmentally friendly, this proves it.'' That comment from Ronnie Mc-Green Nose, 48, of the Swindon Action Green Network, where even the teaspoons are from a sustainable managed source at their Rodbourne Road office.

Rumours that renegade members plan to demolish the Civic Offices this weekend, planting 523 rowen trees and build the Council a sustainable collection of treehouses has remained unconfirmed.

Swindon Centric Says ; Our sources tell us players at the County Ground will be supplied with baseball caps this autumn fitted with solar panels for heating pies sustainably at half-time.

That's what I call a result!

Theatre Black Hole? What's Going On?

What is going on with the Wyvern? We all know about the asbestos clean out that's been happening, but now the reopening date is in date and the Council don't seem too bothered, claiming its all to do with the contractors employed to carry out the work.

If it's shut any further beyond the summer we might as well just get on and start building it's replacement. Seem to make more sense.

Swindon Centric Says ; Anyone would think they were decomissioning a nuclear power station, yes asbestos removal is delicate work, but its not anything new. Maybe they did find some of those missiles from the defence system, a story we broke way back last year.

Man Uses High Blood Pressure As Default Excuse For Doing Nothing

A man has become a master at laziness and inactivity by using a minor medical condition as an excuse on any physical demand placed on him.

Phillip DeVere, 39, of Park Lane, went for a regular check-up for his private medical insurance first thing this morning and after numerous tests, the only thing that his Doctor could find was out of balance was a slightly above average blood pressure level.

'' I don't really drink, or smoke and try to eat correctly, the only contributing factor could be my lack of exercise. He said I just have to be careful.'' That comment from Mr DeVere, safely sat in his favourite armchair.

Initial reports suggested Phillip was going to make a proactive effort to take regular exercise, but he later decided that his new plasma TV was too much to part with.

Rumours are circulating that the relaying of the garden patio is being hived off to Phillip's nephew, despite the medical fact that Mr DeVere could relay Trafalgar Square before his blood pressure peaked anywhere near 'dangerous'.

Swindon Centric Says ; If Phillip gets a cold he'll have to be put in a wheelchair just to blow his nose!

Swindon Shopping Rumours

Rumours that we couldn't possibly confirm this Sunday include the following.

- A major department store is set to be built on the land between Davis Place and Market Street (the bit of land from the Tented Market toward the NatWest Bank on Commercial Road, where the big spiral roadway used for delivery access to the Brunel Centre is).

- Another major department is due to vacate Swindon Town Centre all together and be replaced by another which hasn't been in the town before.

- Zombies have been spotted queuing at a well-known fast-food chain on Canal Walk, though these may have just been students.

Swindon Centric Says ; One of the above is untrue, can you guess which?

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 8

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1 . If you spoke faster these bus journeys wouldn't seem quite as long.

2 . They put the murders on the front page to sell the papers, then say 'but they don't happen every day, so don't be scared'.

3 . What is it with Swindon and flashers, is there something in the water? Global warming's to blame, if it was colder, they couldn't do it.

4 . I wish they'd just sack him, I want his job and am not going to hide the fact.

5 . There's chewing gum on that seat.

6 . The GWH saved £200,000 on their laundry, what were they doing, giving them all silk sheets and one of those orthopedic mattresses?

7 . Me and this middle aged woman were the only ones who paid, the rest of them had those free passes, you should have seen the bus driver's face.

8 . She says he's growing cucumbers, but that's not what I've heard.

9 . I'll see you about 1.30/2 o'clock-ish.

10. I've never seen him look in the mirror, he could be a vampire, plus he's always at the dentist. But you didn't hear me say that.

If you have any suggestions for this column for next week, then please leave your two cents worth in comment form on this post and your ear-wigging efforts may appear next week!

Philanthropist Cat Donates Spare Lives To Local Community Felines

In an act of unswerving generosity, a philanthropist cat in North Swindon, who wishes to remain unnamed, has donated it's spare nine lives to the local cat community.

'' I've been fortunate in my ten years to have very few accidents and as a result I have the full quota of nine lives we all get given at birth and thought that I don't need them, but someone else probably will.'' That quote from a tortoise-shell coloured moggy who we've given the name of Dexter to protect his identity.

Rumours that Dexter has become the first cat in the South West to gain full medical insurance coverage were unconfirmed last night, but he did say he was watching his health and has recently purchased a pedometer to see how far he goes of a night and had cut out carbohydrates, because as he said, '' a fat cat is funny, but an obese one is just sad.''

Swindon Centric Says ; The Cat That Got The No Claims Bonus.

Pictures Of Girls Under Umbrellas ; Obvious Attempt To Boost Sales

The Swindon Beaver Herald today defended itself over allegations of cheap journalism after it published a picture of a couple of pretty young girls under an umbrella to accompany a 'news' story.

That story, after extensive investigation by the Swindon Centric team (we went to the paper shop and bought a copy) was a thin try at wrapping up the weather as local news. Despite the heavy rain over the weekend, the story tells us there was no flooding in the town, so where is the news?

Can you find it?

'' We deny strongly the allegation that we just put in a weather story to fill page space and fleshed it out even further by joining it with a big picture of a couple of young, pretty girls smiling under an umbrella.'' That quote from Jimmy Olsen, Cub Reporter of the Swindon Beaver Herald.

In entirely unrelated news, Swindon Beaver Herald sales jumped 47 percent on the edition featuring this picture.

Swindon Centric Says ; Will they still put out their GCSE and A-Level results special with a front cover of the same pretty young things smiling sweetly and holding their results papers? Surely not!

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 7

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1 . You can't beat good cheese and that's a fact.

2. She's my daughter.

3. He said I could have it all, yeah and who is it who opens the credit card statements every month?

4. I had no idea there used to be a power station at Moredon.

5. Gordon Brown looks more and more like my Geography teacher.

6. It'd be a laugh if someone demolished the Mechanics at night with a bulldozer, then what would English Heritage do, slap a preservation order on the pile of bricks?

7. Have you seen how mad some people get on the Adver comment pages on the website?

8. There were loads of independent candidates in the election. Shows democracy is alive and nutty in Swindon.

9. She's keen on having a baby, but he wants to build an extension.

10. It had rained so much the steam was coming off all the coats in the cloakroom. Reminded me of school!

Tony Blair Goes ; Promises To Return To Regularly Clean His Toothill Wall

Tony Blair made public his resignation date, 27th June and got into a melancholy mood as he made a speech at Trimdon Labour Club.

Swindon Centric Says ; It's Ta-Ta Then To 'Trust Me' Tony! And Hello To Gordon 'Sean Connery' Sounding Brown (Prudence!)

Holy Cartography! It's Flying Swindon-Man & An Evil Laser!

With a 3D 'flying map' of Swindon having just been launched, the technology behind it has been touted as groundbreaking.

Involving complicated techno-speak of a plane flying over the town while firing a laser to map the town in three dimensions, the actual method of recording our town in the all together was far more interesting.

'' We did an initial test flight, we turned on the laser when we were above Regent Street and once it passed over a shopper there was a red glow and puff of smoke and she was gone. Before we could change course, a young guy, I guess in his early twenties was zapped and vapourised. We turned the machine off and headed back in for a brainstorming session.'' That quote from Giles Feaneyton of World Mapping Company.

Happily, local super-hero, Swindon-Man (our own cheaper version of Superman, he's faster than a speeding Honda Civic, about 105mph) took out most of his morning yesterday to fly back and forth over most of the town centre with a new digital camera strapped to his utility belt to do the mapping. He was due to fly across to Southern California to help out with the Los Angeles brush fires, but was unable to get the correct work permit or a landing slot at Los Angeles International and instead helped out WMC.

Rumours that WMC have vapourised a coachload of pensioners outside Gala Bingo at Greenbridge in an unauthorised test last week have been strongly denied.

Swindon Centric Says ; Perhaps we could use the office laser pointer to heat up that scone in the kitchen?

Lottery Win Won't Change Me Says Millionaire

A lucky Swindon local has scooped a jackpot when Lady Luck smiled on them Swindon Centric reports this evening.

Matching six numbers on last Saturday's National Lottery draw has landed Sol Davis, 39 of Taw Hill with £4.5 million in extra cash. Mr Davis doesn't work as he inherited his Uncle's estate, the late Henry Davis (the inventor of the self-cleaning ashtray) of over £64.7 million early in 2005.

'' Unlike a lot of lottery winners I can say that this money will not change me. All the publicity and novelty big cheque from the lottery people has all been good fun though.'' That comment from Mr Davis speaking from his bath, which we were assured was filled with ass's milk from the factory he runs out of a secret location in the town centre.

Local newsagent Eddy Fast, who sold the winning ticket said he only bought the ticket when he couldn't give Mr Davis correct change and used up his credit by buying a lotto ticket.

Rumours tonight have been heard in Taw Hill that Mr Davis may not cash the five foot long cheque, instead framing it and making it a talking point for high-class dinner parties.

Swindon Centrc Says ; Next time, it could be someone far more well off than youuuuuu!

Mechanics Problems Are Hanging Around Old Building ; Developers Want To Get Teeth In

Mathew Singh, the owner of the former Mechanics Institute has ratcheted up the pressure to get something, anything done to the town's festering building by telling English Heritage he plans to demolish the north end of the building to shock them into accepting a planning proposal.

Mr Singh says any plan he's put forward has been negatively rejected by English Heritage.

Martha Parry of the New Mechanics' Trust has said Mr Singh's plans have never been good enough. She added it's not English Heritage's job to tell Mr Singh what to do, but look at what he submits.

English Heritage says it can't consider further details unless Mr Singh sends more details, which he said he's already done.

Swindon Centric Says ; This story get more boring every time it get's reported, just repair the building and open it, no matter what it gets used for.

LATE BREAKING EDITION!

Swindon Centric has learnt that Trevor Coventry (regular readers will remember him from a story last month) has put in a phone call to English Heritage asking them to reject the plan to demolish the north end of the building. Trevor says several of the new members of the local vampire branch in the town like to hang around (for once that means exactly what it says) on the main rafters in the roof of the northern section of the building and as such can claim squatters rights.

When asked, Wiltshire Constabulary couldn't determine whether there had been any additional attacks of the vampire kind in the Railway Village, though unofficially many local residents have got strings of garlic hanging in their doorways and even the drug-dealers won't venture out after dark.

Local pun-writers said this new stakeholder in the Mechanics could slow the buildings revival dead and the plan could see more bloodletting before work begins. That's enough wordplay.

Swindon Centric Also Says ; All the scheme needs to find now is crested newts under the floorboards and it'll be totally finished. Big Giant Vampire Newts to make it newsworthy of course.

Microwaved Semi-Detached Well Done On Outside, Only Slightly Warm Inside

Swindon Fire Brigade haven't had a quiet Bank Holiday with a fire caused by a microwave in the South Marston area of town earlier today.

Mrs Amelie Sampson-Jones called 999 after 3 minutes had elapsed while attempting to defrost some frozen tripe she was going to use for dinner as a surprise for her husband.

'' I had gone into the back room to tune the radio onto Woman's Hour and when I turned round the flames were licking round my Delhi Bazzar coloured (that's marketing speak for a yellow kettle readers) dolphin shaped kettle. I grabbed Felix the budgie and made a dash for the main road.'' That comment from Mrs Sampson-Jones, 37, of Mayfield Place.

The firefighters who tackled the blaze said it had to be dealt with carefully with the source being a microwave malfunction. Firefighters initially had to walk round the perimeter of the house and prick the windows with forks to make small air holes to prevent an explosion. They then used a large spoon to stir the contents to make sure any heat was distributed evenly.

Rumours that firefighters waited a full three minutes before taking on the fire have been dismissed as speculation.

Swindon Centric Says ; Mr Ray Sampson-Jones was reported by neighbours to be more surprised that his wife had attempted to make his tea with tripe which she knows he can't stand. The Sampson-Jones household have confirmed this evening they will increase their consumption of takeaways to prevent a repeat of today's incident.

Top Ten Things Heard On Swindon's Buses Last Week ; 6

Click here for the original and still the best at this brilliant idea, here's our own version for Swindon's buses from last week.

1. Shine on me!

2. He always sits in the smoking room, that's why he always smells of smoke.

3. I nearly ended up in Wootton Bassett.

4. I didn't even know that was a Take That song. Mark Owen is still only 4 foot tall.

5. She said she used the election leaflets to line the cat litter tray. She's lying, she hasn't got a letterbox, let alone a cat.

6. It's as if Doctor Who can do no wrong.

7. It's not popular to say, but I'll miss Tony Blair.

8. That new B&Q is huge, you could hide a UFO in an aisle between the paint and fencing and no-one would notice.

9. No, I'm not going to sign on.

10. I'm in the union, but I never paid the membership fee. Does that mean if I drop a pallet on my foot I haven't got a leg to stand on?

Town Pride Given A Buffing This Bright & Shiny Afternoon

With the state of Swindon's Union in doubt this week after the tense recount problems of the local elections, at least 28 percent of the Borough was worried about who are governing officials were.

For the remaining 72 percent and those who knew how to relax, Swindon Pride was given a much needed bump this afternoon as Swindon Town FC drew one all with Walsall which gives Swindon automatic promotion to league one for next season.

Tickets had sold out mid-week for the crutial match, giving a capacity crowd of over 14,000 at the County Ground to ring out the end of a successful season for Town.

Swindon Centric Says ; It says something for town pride and community spirit when people fill the County Ground (which hasn't happened for a while) to cheer Swindon Town onto promotion on a Bank Holiday weekend. Shame we can't do it again tomorrow, instead of shopping for sofas or garden furniture. You know that's what you'll end up doing people!

Late Edition Election Special ; Play Solitaire While You Wait To Vote

After the late night for most of our councillors at the Oasis this morning and last night, things stayed almost the same as before. The Conservatives still control Swindon Borough Council, the BNP didn't gain any seats in the town and about 30% of us actually voted.

The biggest issue of the night seems to be the trial electronic voting system at many polling stations yesterday. Being a wireless system, it relied on a strong broadband connection which was not maintained at all places and caused disruption in some wards. There was initial concern that problems could allow people to vote twice, this was later dismissed by the returning officer.

Anne Snelgrove, Labour MP for South Swindon, did say she found the system unacceptable, with people able to see who you were voting for, staff instructing people on the process of voting were able to watch who voters cast for and that therefore it undermines the usual process of voting. Party politics aside, she does raise important points, which no other local councillors were heard talking about.

But this was a trial, so feedback will be of prime importance.

Swindon Centric Says ; We can't help thinking that voting on a slip of paper with a pencil and ballot box is symbolic and highly efficent, lets give people the option of using a PC if they like (just like e-voting and postal votes), but you're never going to get an error message with a paper slip and a big black ballot box are you?

Early Edition Election Special ; Florida in Swindon

It seems that Swindon is experiencing it's own version of the 2000 US election problems with electronic 'hanging chads' after the use of unproven, untried election computer software systems.

If you haven't heard the result from your ward yet, that might be why.

Swindon Centric Says ; The people of Swindon have spoken, but it's gonna take a while to figure out what they've said.

Local Election Breaking Update ; Anyone Got A Spare Abbacus?

With a brief straw pole of the office at Swindon Centric (yes, we have a straw pole for stories like this) reveals that out of seven people, one was undecided whether to vote, two would certainly, and four wouldn't bother.

So the town can expect only 2 in every 7 people to vote. Should be a short counting time down at the Oasis for the people with the wet thumbs.

Historically turnout at all elections has been falling for decades, but votes at local elections are always lower than others. People have got other things on their minds, the weather's warm , there's a bank holiday weekend coming up and people are taking bets on David Tennant leaving Doctor Who.

A fellow voter commented to us that their were more people sat in the garden of a nearby pub when she went to vote, with only one other person in the polling station when she went along.

Swindon Centric Says ; Didn't they talk a few years ago about putting ballot boxes in supermarkets, how about pubs? Come on councillors, earn our votes and do something radical.

You've got 10 minutes left, go and vote Swindon!

Boring & Vital ; Local Elections

Why should anyone bother to vote tomorrow?

They decide how your rubbish is collected, they decide where to place mobile phone masts, they ensure the lamposts work on the darkest of nights, they decide where and how to provide education provision for the town's children, they will provide you with assistance with noisy neighbours and support if you become unemployed and get into financial difficulty, they can effect local police coverage, they decide where to site community facilities, whether it's community centres or youth clubs, they decide where to site leisure centres and how to funds them, they subsidise local bus services, they provide sponsorship to local cultural events, they run our town's museums and art galleries, they sell our town's image to companies and potential new residents, they introduce traffic calming and build new crossings for pedestrians, they care for old people, disabled people and those who need help to survive because of abuse or poverty, they are the custodians of our open spaces and historic crown jewels of the town, they are overseeing the regenerated town centre and they are building the new central library.

They are there to serve the people of Swindon.

They are YOUR local councillors.

That's why you should vote tomorrow.

So, hold them to account tomorrow.

So please ; VOTE.

Swindon Centric Says ; See you at the ballot box.

Local Lazy Incumbent Councillor Seeks To Lower Expectations

A local councillor who shall remain nameless until a few lines of this report in the future has made a last ditch effort to ensure a second term in office ahead of Thursday's local elections.

At a informal press conference at a very average cafe in the town centre, where average tea and average coffee was on offer Mr Mike Washington, current councillor for the West, Central & Southern ward in the town seeked to lower expectations of the electorate.

'' I've made it clear that of all the things I promised at the last election have been carried out. This is demonstrated by the fact I promised nothing at all and was very general about policies. Indeed, since I promised to do nothing specific I've actually achieved the goal I gave to the voters and therefore am well trusted to be re-elected for a second run in office on the platform of more of the same''. That quote from Mr Washington in a fantastic example of political doublespeak.

Allegations that Mr Washington feigned ammnesia just after the previous election and claimed never to have made promises including lowering crime to the level people can leave their doors unlocked and encouraging kids to play cricket in the streets like the good old days, have been made by many residents of his ward.

Swindon Centric Says ; Vote for Washington, the candidate who promises to forget his promises. Unlike the other candidates who know that they haven't fulfilled their potentials.

Insurgent Rodents Stalk Swindon's Refuse

The debate about the refuse and recycling collection in the town took an unexpected and surprising twist this afternoon.

Many residents have moaned that collections of rubbish every two weeks will lead to more rats and flies attracted to their wheelie bins and unsanitary streets. Despite reasurrances from councillors and the system operating effectively in other parts of town, many remain wary of their rubbish lingering for too long.

Just after noon today a group of four rats armed with an AM80 sidewinder missile gained access to a wheelie bin in an undisclosed area of North Swindon (a rat of a source has since told Swindon Centric the area in question is Queen Elizabeth Drive). Residents were only aware of the occurence after the shockwave from the exploding missile blew out several windows further along the road. The rats are believed to have gotten away with half an uneaten chicken dinner.

'' These rats know who they are and we will smoke them out, this sort of gutter attack will not be tolerated.'' Local beat officer Marcus Geese.

Swindon Centric Says ; We are happy to have lifted the lid of the stench that is underground terrorism in Swindon.

LATE EDITION ; Rumours have flown about the town more times than an RAF Hercules that other rogue rodent insurgent groups have purchased an anti-tank gun for taking out wheelie bin collections for later this week. Some residents are already armour plating their council issue bins.